Monday, January 18, 2010

through the rain...

It was late in the afternoon when I noticed this little bit of light streaming through the back door into the kitchen. The day was gray and gloomy and drizzly...so this moment was unexpected.
I loved how the light was highlighting some of my favorite things. I also loved how it reflected off of the "seeds" in the glass...casting shadows inside and almost looking like rain drops themselves.
It's still raining today. And I'm loving it.
I have to admit, though. I'm a bit down. Not because of the rain. Or the gray skies. Believe it or not, those things rejuvenate me...make me feel like I can breathe deep. Like I can rest.
No...it's not the weather. I can't really pinpoint why I'm feeling melancholy. I don't think it's just one thing.
It's a combination of things...or at least that's the conclusion I'm coming to...
One of those things is that I'm starting school tomorrow night. And while this is a good thing...a very good thing...it's also very scary. It's the next two years of my life...on top of everything else. So...while it's good. VERY good. It's also just a bit overwhelming. And I am trying really hard to not get ahead of myself...I keep reminding myself of this. I have a feeling, if you've decided to join me on this journey, that you'll be hearing a lot about that...staying in the moment...one thing at a time...one day at a time...one moment at a time...it's my struggle, always. But I've learned that getting ahead of myself causes anxiety...and paralysis. And...it gets me nowhere.
The other thing weighing heavy on my mind is the death of my friend's husband last week. His service was on Saturday...and it was beautiful. Wow...what a celebration of his life. But the whole time, as I listened to people's stories about him (the ones they could tell in church, anyway!) and as I looked at all of the pictures of him living...the more I couldn't believe that he was gone. And the more I couldn't understand why God would take him. He was young. They had an amazing marriage...really. They were so in love...even after 10 years of marriage. If anything, they were MORE in love after all these years.
So...why? Why would God do that? Rhetorical, of course. But...it boggles my mind. And is probably just one of those things that I won't ever get an answer to...you know? Some things are only for God to know. They're none of our business. They're not for us to understand. Or agree with. That's why we're not God...and God is. I may think that a life was taken too soon...but God's time is different. And He took him at exactly the right time. Our days are numbered. And only God knows that number. It's up to us to just continue on this path...walking one step at a time...in faith. And trust.
Hmm....some days it's harder than others, isn't it?
I mentioned that I sang in the choir this past weekend. We sang good songs...the first one was so FUN. And the second one was so moving. Beautiful. We sang the first one at the beginning of service. Then toward the end of service we got up and sang the second one. As I stood on the stage...and looked out onto the congregation...my eyes found my friend. She came to church...and was sitting with her mother. And I could see...even in the dim lighting that her heart was broken...beyond broken. The sadness on her face was unbearable...and as our eyes met she gave me a little secret wave from her seat...and I waved back...and then right there on stage, I cried with her. I couldn't help myself.
I feel for her so much... I want to do something that will give her hope...peace...something...
But there's nothing that I can do...nothing any of us as her friends can do...other than be there for her. Love her. Call her. Pray for her. All we can do...those of us whose hearts are breaking for her, and there are many...is to just be there...and walk with her...and hold her up when she can't do it on her own...and listen. Let her vent. And cry. And yell. And cuss. And love her through it...
Isaiah 43 says...2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Through. Not around. Not over. Not under. Through.
We don't get a special ticket to go another route. We aren't exempt from devastation. God's word tells us WHEN YOU GO THROUGH____________...you fill in the blank. There will be trials. There will be heartache. And struggles. But His word also says that He will be with us during these times. He will be with us when the waters are threatening to drown us...or when the rivers are trying to sweep us away...or when the fire wants to consume us. And He will protect us. And comfort us. Through it all.
I don't understand it. I don't like it. But I do trust God...and I know my friend does, too. Even if at the moment she's not so sure that she does...
And I know that God has her in the palm of His hand...and is caring for her and loving her and carrying her through.
So...there you have it. The heaviness that is hovering around me. The heaviness that I need to pray through...and move through...anyway. Because life continues on...the world keeps spinning. The good mixes in with the bad...and it's up to us to try and see God in the midst of it all.

10 comments:

Nancy said...

beautiful. such a heartfelt post. i'll say a little prayer for you as you begin your new endeavor.

loved your scripture. i wrote it down. my daddy isn't going to be with us much longer...i found comfort in those words of scripture.

thank you friend.

dmoms said...

the way you are feeling is how I felt all last week. melancholy. i could NOT understand why God would cause an earthquake that would kill so many people. Finally, I had to realize that there is always a reason. Always. Even if I don't understand. It is in times like these, where we need to trust Him more. lastly, don't rush to be "back to your normal self". sometimes it is okay to stay grieving for awhile.

Talitha said...

I'm so sorry for your loss... for your friend's loss. I never know what to say, but I want to thank you for sharing your heart. You are so brave here, in this space. I cried with you today. Praying...

Sheryl said...

oh that heaviness is literally weighing me down lately. i've not been able to put a finger on anything specific. i know that i want to get out of this melancholy!!

as for your friend...i cannot imagine. i would like to say that the best thing anyone can do for her is to be there.listen.speak of her huband often. people come around soon after a loss but as time passes, people often forget.

i believe she is so blessed to have you!

Cindy said...

this was a wonderful post and so touches home for me. i will be praying for you tomorrow and i hope its a wonderful day and smooth. i will pray for your friend too. life is not easy, we are not promised that, only that he is with us through everything. i cling to that. thank you for the sweet reminding words.

Beegirl said...

Thinking of you friend.. So sorry for your loss. The scripture you chose was beautiful. There were many days I'd be gripping the steering wheel praying I'd make it through... just through... Good luck at school. So excited to hear you'll be starting a new adventure.

Camie | Red Gate Gardens said...

Beautiful. And just what I needed today. Thank you.

~~Camie~~

PS: Prayers will be winging their way as you open up this new chapter in your life...

Amy Blogs @ River Rock Cottage said...

Thank you for words of wisdom. I know that you will be able to walk "through" this new phase of your life because Jesus is holding your hand! Keep your eyes on Him and enjoy the journey, not just the destination because life is fleeting and we may not arrive at the destination we thought we were headed to (referring to earthly things, not heavenly).

We began a journey through a trial yesterday that will take about 2-3 weeks to know how it will affect our lives in our home for years to come. I keep telling myself that whatever path God has chosen, He'll see us through!

Sorry to hear about your friend. Missed you the last few days... I'm glad to be back!

Bloom fine art fotografi said...

So sorry to hear about your loss, that must be difficult.
But I also want to say that I am cheering you on with school! You Go! Scared is good. I tried going back to school this fall...couldn't handle the work load. My hat is off to you.Wishing you the very best of luck!

Earth Mama said...

Your posts are so inspiring to me. I totally agree that the "right" times might not be within our understandings...but to have that inner trust that we are all right no matter what is going on in our personal lives all the way up to worldly events...is a true gift, that I also strive toward. We have to experience each step wholly, even the ones that make us feel icky.

:)Lisa

:)Lisa