apparently I'm incapable of making just one list.

"Get a grip already." -Minnie

So I sat down to write my summer manifesto. (Doesn't it sound so romantic?) But as I'm writing this romantic manifesto of the wonderful things I want to do to fill my glorious summer days, somehow it turns into a to-do list...of all the chores and things I don't really want to do but that I really need to do.

So I go with it, begrudgingly. I keep writing...except for that now I'm also categorizing my list...to do, should do, want to. And suddenly the to-do's are shadowing the want-to's...and I can feel myself getting tense.

In my mind I begin telling myself, "Now Michelle, these to-do's are ALL the things you MUST get done before you do one single fun thing this summer."  Work now. Play later.

Then I get sad. And mad. And I sulk. And I set the list aside. And now the wind is gone from my sails. And I grumble about why do I even have time off in the summer anyway if I'm just gonna work, work, work the whole time.

Then I get a grip. And I bargain with myself, "OK Michelle, how about this? Each day you MUST do one chore on your to-do list before doing ANYTHING fun AT ALL."

I chew on this proposition a while. And think to myself that it's not a bad idea...it's a good compromise...but still something just isn't sitting right with me about the whole thing. I'm frustrated. And I'm pretty sure that's not what a manifesto is supposed to be about anyway. I'm pretty sure a manifesto is a list of the things you're going to do instead of chores and the daily grind to ensure that you have a pleasant summer vacation and don't let that time go to waste not having done anything enjoyable. Am I right?

But eventually, all this crazy making comes to a halt when I stop and take a look at the list. And really weigh out how long each to-do will take vs. how long each want-to will take. And really, the to-do's aren't really going to take all that much time. Honestly, I'm spending more time thinking about it and fighting it and arguing with myself about it and making list after list after list than it would take to just do the thang! I could be done with at least one of my big to-do's by now had I not spent so much time obsessing over what activity should be on what list and in what stinkin' order.

(This is how my mind works, folks. Are you exhausted yet? Yeah...me too.)

Good gravy, please tell me I'm not the only one that makes life so hard for themselves? I'm a mess! Do you have this inner dialogue? Do you make life hard for yourself? This is ridiculous!

Only I can take something that is supposed to be nice and fun and inspiring and turn it into drudgery and frustration. It's a wonder I get anything done at all...

OK. Deep breath. Shoulders back. Head up.

Now...back to those lists...they're gonna get written if it kills me...even if it's the only thing I actually DO this summer!

I'll keep you posted...

complaining...or how to make people run the other way when they see you coming.



"I promise...if you let me out for just a few minutes, I will NOT
sneak into the garden, plop on your deck or stare you down
through the back door until you give me a treat. I promise!!"
Sweetie...looking demure...doing her best to "will" me into
letting her roam the yard. Not a chance sister!

 So the other day I was told by two people....one a friend, the other my favorite cashier at the local discount grocer...to "stop complaining". Just like that...those words were tossed in my direction. And they were tossed at me (but felt heavy as a medicine ball in the gut) right after I'd commented about the excruciating, horrible, suffocating, draining, incessant, obnoxious, heat.

Now I can understand someone telling me not to complain about my new shoes hurting my feet. At least I have new shoes, right?

Or maybe asking me not to complain about the steak being a bit undercooked. (What can I say, I'm a medium-well girl. Blame Noni.) Um...hello? At least I have food, right? And a steak, no less!

Or perhaps someone doesn't want to hear me complain about my humble abode...I'm not living under a bridge, now am I?

But to blurt out the words "stop complaining" when I'm merely making a very factual statement about the weather? Really? Everyone complains about the weather. There are summer people...and winter people...and the fair weather friends who prefer spring or autumn. And when it's not to their liking they complain.

People complain about too much rain...too much snow...too much wind. Why can't I complain about too much heat?

I was boggled. And I will admit...taken aback a bit. And maybe, possibly even a teensy bit offended and self-righteous.

Each time the statement was tossed my way I'm absolutely positive one of my eyebrows raised...and my chin tucked in a bit. I'm pretty sure my eyes bulged and then narrowed into questioning slits. And my lips pinched up, too...just a little.

I'm also quite sure my head cocked to one side and my chest puffed up a bit.

I even got defensive. And pointed out the pointers own complaints. (Of which, I was wrong about, apparently.)

But then...as I stood at the checkout counter baffled by the scolding of my favorite cashier, doing my best to conjure up a reasonable argument as to why it's totally fine and acceptable and within my constitutional rights for me to complain about the heat...about the weather in general, about the traffic, my dirty floors, the person in front of me, the news, the shirt I was wearing, my chippy toenail polish, the price of gas, the service at Starbucks, the audacity of my neighbor to park in MY spot, the fact that neither of my boys can ever "remember" to make their beds, the government, the church, the beggars on every corner, chronic pain, the whatever I want to complain about thankyouverymuch...

...I was convicted.
And a bit embarrassed.

As I loaded my bags and bags of groceries (that I had plenty of money to pay for) and headed home (in my luxury, gas-guzzling SUV with the a/c blasting) I got to thinking...

I don't know about you, but sometimes God uses people to get something across to me. And as I was driving home it began to set in to my thick, stubborn, prideful, opinionated, complaining skull that this is exactly what was happening.

God had something to say to me: "Stop complaining."

It took me a good 24 hours to really process what had happened.
It took me a good 24 hours to really get that it was God pointing out a personality trait that is not helpful to me or anyone within earshot of my incessant whining and complaining.
It took me a good 24 hours to realize that...God is right. I really do need to stop complaining.

So...because God said so, and if nothing else I do my best to be obedient to Him, I'm going to work on not complaining. I don't know that I'll stop complaining totally and completely. (Isn't that humanly impossible? No? Dangit...I guess it IS just me.) But I am going to work on it. Diligently. Pray for me, would ya?

This is gonna be a process...an interesting, challenging and I'm sure, at times, a very humorous process.

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.

Philippians 2:14-16

distant.

Summer is here. Pretty much, anyway. The boys are out of school. The days are warming...finally, some will say. Not me. I'm dreaming of living somewhere else...somewhere cooler, somewhere higher up, somewhere...else.

The sun is shining. The birds are singing. People are wearing shorts and tank tops. But...the air is still. Already feeling a bit stifling. Not now...but I know what's coming. And I'm not ready. I never am.

I can feel that sense of dread...maybe feelings similar to those with SAD feel as winter approaches? I don't know...because in my world, when winter comes, I begin to wake up. I am refreshed. I feel alive. Like with anything else, just add water (in the form of rain) and I perk up instantly.

The heat makes me wilt...I feel distant, and not myself.

I try to look at "the bright side"...fresh, warm tomatoes...all the Vitamin D you could ask for...sleep ins...barbecues...fried zucchini cakes...and it helps some...

...but it's not enough. It's a real stretch, actually. My attempt at not being negative during summer. Is it working?

Yeah. I didn't think so.

But again...the reminder in my head....one.day.at.a.time.

Don't worry about tomorrow...one.day.at.a.time.

And then I am reminded of the words of Matthew...33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Easier said than done. But..it's worth a try.

anticipation = anxiety

credit for the goodness here.

anticipation:

1. to realize beforehand; foretaste or foresee: to anticipate pleasure.

2. to expect; look forward to; be sure of: to anticipate a favorable decision.

3. to perform (an action) before another has had time to act.

6. to consider or mention before the proper time: to anticipate more difficult questions.

7. to be before (another) in doing, thinking, achieving, etc.: Many modern inventions were anticipated by Leonardo da Vinci.

9. to think, speak, act, or feel an emotional response in advance.

{I edited some of the definitions out...hence the missing numbers. Just so ya know.}

 

*******

 

No...this is not a post about Carly Simon. Um...I'm feeling a little anxious today. It actually started yesterday. There is a lot going on today and over the weekend. Simple plans really...and nothing overwhelming or huge. But I have this tendency to anticipate everything I have to do...every plan I've made...every obligation I've been given...every expectation of me...and lump it all into one big tangle.

 

I take all of those things and pile them into one big pile of "to-do's" and next thing I know....I'm feeling nervous. My heart is beating a little faster...my mind is racing in about 40 different directions. My stomach feels a bit nauseous...my limbs feel heavy...and I have to deliberately take good deep breaths to stay calm.

 

It used to be that this feeling...this anxiety...would stop me dead in my tracks. Possibly even for a day or two..or three. It would stop me from going places...and talking to people. It would stop me from enjoying the day...my family...my blessings. It was a huge distraction. And still can be on occasion.

 

The difference between then and now is that now I am aware of how I'm feeling. And I'm usually even aware as to why. What I've learned to do is to stop, take some good, deep breaths and then say a prayer. I stop and think about what is making me nervous...and anxious. Many times it's a busy schedule or maybe a relational issue with someone. Or maybe it's what I think someone is thinking about a certain situation...or how I think someone is feeling...or what I think....think...think....in my own head that is quite often not the case!

 

Once I pinpoint what is making me anxious...like right now for instance...I know I have a lot going on this weekend...so the anticipation of a busy schedule is making me anxious. But what I'm learning to do is to break it all down into manageable bits. I have to stop and take a realistic look at what it is I'm doing...the actual times they are happening...and then I can see that there is plenty of time for all of it. It's not all happening at once.

 

When I do this the anxiety dissipates almost instantly. Sometimes it takes me a little longer to realize what's going on inside and I allow the anxiety more power than it deserves.  (Which is NONE.) But more often than not I am able to recognize what's happening, deal with it accordingly and then move forward.

 

 

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition,

with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Wednesday in the Word.

Luke 19:10

“For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost.”

Lost. That's me. Lately. Going this way and that. Headed one direction only to spin on my heel and head the other. I see something...and chase it. Then get distracted by something else...and it begins to chase me. I think one thing is best...only to realize it wasn't even an option. Or at least it seems not. Not now, anyway. Or maybe not ever. We'll see.

If you don't stand for something...you'll fall for anything. You've heard it. It's so true. I know what I stand for. I do. I just don't know where I stand. Or where I should stand. I want certain things...my heart desires a way of life...certain things to do...but my world doesn't match up with my heart. None of it is lining up. It's crooked. And bumpy. And full of road blocks. Constant road blocks. Constant. It's tiresome. And frustrating.

Today I am tired. And lost. And grateful for a savior. And safety. The only thing that is certain...Jesus. And the knowledge that when I am lost...He seeks me. And He saves me...every time.

Belgium...on a personal note.

Yesterday I shared with you the day to day movement of the New Beginnings Ministry. I shared with you where we went...what we did...even what we ate. I shared with you the outer layer of my trip to Belgium. What you would have seen had you been a fly on the wall watching us buzz all over Belgium doing our best to obey God. But today I want to share with you about the inner layer...what happened behind the scenes in my mind and in my heart during the trip as well as the days and days and days leading up to it. God is not one-dimensional. He is a multi-tasker to the fullest. What may seem like a trip to Europe...a visit to a church...or a simple sharing of a testimony...becomes much, much more when placed in the hands of God.

This whole Belgium thing became a reality about a year ago. I had almost a whole year to prepare...mentally, spiritually, financially. Our team met regularly, making plans, working on fund-raising, reminding about Passports and airline tickets, talking about what to pack and what to wear and what to expect. We even met for a french lesson that turned out to be quite humorous! We met regularly to touch base with one another and to make sure we were all on the same page. And we were. We were all on the same mission...each of us bringing something unique to the table. We were a team. But we were also individuals. I was an individual. And God had big things in store for me, too. And as I look back over this last year I can see those things...clearly. And I am amazed...and grateful...and blown away by His goodness.

Fear. Most of my life I have operated on fear. I was a nervous little girl. My stomach always hurt whenever there was a situation I was uncomfortable with. And I was uncomfortable with a lot of situations. This fear carried on through to my adult years. And it got worse after I had kids. I was afraid of everything. You know, things like flying...and speaking in front of people..two of the main things God was calling me to do on this trip to Belgium. He was pulling me completely out of my comfort zone. Left to my own devices I would never leave my little house. I'd garden and craft and write and cook and take care of my family...I'd be perfectly content to live my little life under my little roof and call it good. I'm serious. But...God had other plans. He didn't allow me to walk through the battle of depression for nothing. He allowed me to walk through it...with Him right by my side even when I didn't even know He was there...so that I could learn from it, grow from it and then share it with others.

When this whole Belgium thing started and I came to the realization that I was going to have to fly and speak in front of people...two of my biggest fears...I was terrified. And every time I talked about it or thought about it I would feel sick. The nerves would flare up...the stomach would hurt...the jitters would settle in...fear. There it was, rearing its ugly head. And with that came anxiety...horrible bouts of anxiety. Heart pounding...ears ringing...hands shaking...sick...anxiety. Fear. Doubt. I was trying to be brave on the outside...but on the inside I was a mess. But over the course of this past year God did a work in me. A BIG work. HUGE in my book. By the time I got on that plane I was nervous...but not afraid. And when I stood up to tell my story on that Wednesday night in Belgium...into a microphone...with an interpreter!...I was calm. I was ready. I was prepared. I was one with God and following His lead. What was there to fear? Right? If God is for me, who can be against me? He sent me to Belgium for a purpose. And it was time to do what He'd called me to do. So I did it...confidently...with Him right by my side.

At first I thought something must be wrong with me...like pride had welled up or something because I wasn't nervous. But through prayer and asking God to take away any pride I might be feeling, I realized that I had been being prepared for such a time as this. It wasn't pride. It was preparation. It was God. I was completely in His will...and there was no room for fear. Fear is not of God. And at that time I was walking so closely beside Him that fear didn't stand a chance.

Fast forward...and I am home...and I am going to church. My pastor called me up to tell a bit about what God had done while Belgium. And when I got up to speak I didn't have an ounce of fear in me. I thought about being afraid...the devil tried to plant fear within me...but I refused it. I didn't play into the fear. I didn't agree with the fear. I thought about it....refused it...and moved on.

I make it sound really simple to just deny fear don't I? Well I have to say that at this point, it actually was. Thanks to Jesus. But learning to deny fear has been a process. A HUGE process...a hard process...a long process...years. A battle. It's not ever been easy for me to deny fear and anxiety. Caving in to it has always been my M.O. I caved because I didn't take hold of my power in Jesus to overcome it. We have such power in the name of Jesus. We have strength and peace and self-control. In Jesus we have grace and mercy and love. When we accept Jesus into our hearts we receive ALL of His goodness. It's in us. We just need to learn to tap into it. We need to learn to live in it...to live in Him.

Fear. It no longer controls me. Yes...I get fearful. And anxious. Terrified even. But these feelings no longer overtake me. They no longer control me or my actions or my thoughts. Fear tempts me...but I am aware of it now. And when this happens I tap into Jesus...I draw on the power and the gifts He's given me...and I conquer the fear. I conquer the enemy of my soul. And when I do this...I am victorious...in the name of Jesus. And the best part of all of this? YOU can be victorious, too! If you have Jesus in your heart, you have every bit of power that I have to overcome anything...fear, anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorders...you name it, you can conquer it with the help of Jesus.

On the other hand, if you do NOT have Jesus in your heart, maybe it's time to invite Him in. He's freedom and love and goodness. He's got good things in store for you, too.

all this rest is wearing me out!

Wait. Did I just say "rest"? Rest? What's that?

Thank goodness I work for a nice establishment that, without batting an eyelash, gave me 3 weeks off before my trip as well as two weeks off including my 10 days in Belgium. Thank GOODNESS. And while it hasn't been "rest" exactly...it's been good. It's been necessary. It's been a blessing.

So while I've been "resting" (Can you see me holding up my quotation fingers? Can you read the sarcasm? Good...just making sure.)...I've also been packing and preparing and cooking and writing and thinking about writing and thinking about packing and thinking about flying and thinking about sleeping and thinking, thinking, thinking!!

Thinking. This is where I get into trouble. I think too much. I try and figure it all out and think ahead to make sure I've got everything covered. I think and think and think until suddenly I'm completely overwhelmed...completely worried...completely freaked out...and completely anxious.

If you've been with me here at Give a Girl a Fig for any amount of time you know I deal with depression. And so you may also know that it's the main topic I'll be sharing about with those we visit in Belgium. Sadly, and quite commonly, anxiety often comes as a package deal with depression. For many the two go hand in hand. (Like cute little best friends...or in this case, more like the creepy twins in The Shining!) Over the past few months I've been doing really good...keeping a positive attitude. Saying that I was excited to go and not nervous or scared. Words have power, right?

Well, this last week...this last stretch...hasn't started off so great. The past two days have been rough. I cried a lot. Doubted a lot. Quit a lot. Decided I just wasn't gonna go a lot. It has been a struggle to say the least. But then I finally got a grip and remembered to PRAY a lot. Duh. Why does it take so long to remember to DO that sometimes? As much as I love God and trust Him you'd think it would be my first reaction. But...it isn't always. Many times I go along with the fear and the doubt. I agree with it and allow it to dictate my thoughts. For a while anyway. And then I remember...God is with me. He is for me. He wants good for me all of my days. He loves me and cares for me.

So I call on Him. And He answers...every time.

It's times like these that I'm reminded of the words of Jesus...

28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Matthew 11:28-29

Thank you, Jesus...

So just a bit ago I realized I was working myself up into a tizzy again. I was trying to figure out all I needed to do and when I needed to do it and how was I gonna have time to do this and this and this and this? As I stood in the shower getting more and more crazy I finally just said, "God, I'm a mess! Please list out my day for me. What do YOU want me to do and WHEN? Set out my schedule for me because I am just making a big mess of it all!"

And would you believe? (Of course you will...!) He did. Just like that. Man, He's good. SO GOOD.

Following His guidance will give me rest for my soul....

Now...off to DO it!

Be blessed today...God is good and He loves you!

in the middle of it all...and a prayer request.

You should see my kitchen table right now...

I'm in the process of writing the small devotional booklet I told you about a while back. It's for our resource table while in Belgium. So on my kitchen table I've got my bible sprawled open...to Jeremiah 29:11, mind you. I've got my notebook that I started last September when the trip to Belgium was first birthed. I've got a box of tissue at the ready because at one point or another I'm either sneezing from allergies...or crying about some major anxiety and God's goodness in the midst of that.

I've got my wallet out becuase I just paid a bill by phone and now I need my insurance card to call the towing company to haul Chris' truck to a repair shop. (Did it really have to break down this week? I guess better now while I'm here to help him than while I'm gone...)

I've got my cell phone, my house phone and the TV remote.

I've got sale ads and grocery lists and packing lists and sticky notes piled all around.

In the middle of it all, here I sit at the laptop. I've got email open, Publisher open, biblegateway.com open and I'm ready to go.

If you would...keep me in your prayers today and throughout this next week. (Thank you to those who I already know are praying for me...I feel them.) While I am very excited to go, I am not excited to leave. Does that make sense? I'm not used to being away from my husband and my boys. I'm not used to flying. Or sleeping in hotel/hostel beds. I'm a bit of a homebody...so this is an amazing adventure, an awesome opportunity and totally out of my comfort zone! But God is good...and He will cover me and protect me and continue to prepare me. He will watch over my family while I am gone and He will bring me home safely. Amen.

I'll leave you with the words of Matt Maher from his song, "Hold Us Together"...

This is the first day of the rest of your life

This is the first day of the rest of your life

'Cause even in the dark, you can still see the light

It's gonna be alright..it's gonna be alright.

Busy is an understatement!

At around 9:30 am yesterday morning I had a sudden revelation that this week is utterly and ridiculously chock full! I knew I had a lot to do...but it was still scattered in my head, in different little pockets.

I knew I had to take Seth and a carload of student council members to camp on Wednesday...and pick them up on Friday...in the San Francisco area. Looking forward to this, actually. A carload of 14 and 15 year olds has GOT to be entertaining.

I knew that Friday was Seth's birthday...although it hadn't really dawned on me that he was going to be 15. I thought he was turning 7. But...the fact that he wrote DRIVING SCHOOL on his birthday wish list snapped me out of that fantasy REAL quick. Driving school? Whatever.

Anyway...

I knew I was going to have my nephew on Wednesday night for a sleepover...and all day Thursday for a play day.

I knew I had a Belgium meeting on Wednesday night. And that Ian had baseball practice on Thursday night. And that Chris had worship practice on Friday night. I knew that Seth had a birthday party to attend on Friday night for a friend...on his birthday, no less. I knew I had to get a gift for this friend who's having a birthday...and his twin sister, too...both of whom we've known since they were all 5.

I also knew I had school work. But what I didn't know was that it was my last week..? I thought next week was the last week. So I wasn't fully aware of what this week's work load was going to entail. Until I wrote all the assignments down on paper, that is. Holy canoli! I'm in for it.

The bottom line? This week is going to be CUH-RA-ZY. But...I can do this. Especially if I stop blogging and facebooking and start homeworking! Which is what I'm going to do RIGHT NOW. I have a lesson plan to finish...!

What's your week looking like? If it's a little empty...call me. I've got a list a mile long I'd have NO problem sharing with you!

attitude adjustment.

So I was walking out the door this morning to take Ian to school and a thought occurred to me. (I know, I know...scary, isn't it?!) This thought hit me like a bolt of lightning. It was like that proverbial light bulb went on over my crazy, mixed up head and I instantly had clarity instead of confusion. And the thought was this, "I am one blessed woman."

Honestly. I am so blessed...beyond belief...beyond what I deserve...beyond what I ever expected. In all honesty, at around the age of 25 or so I just figured I'd be the crazy drunk lady living in the little bungalow on the corner with 14 cats. I don't know why, really. Maybe past hurts just finally put that brick wall up so high that I figured my heart was permanently barricaded? And I thought I was OK with that? I mean, a protected heart is better than a broken one, right? It was safer that way. At least that's what I thought.

God had a different plan for me. This brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. Knowing that he plucked me right up out of that pit I was sinking into and saved me blows me away. Why me? Who am I? I'm a breath of air..a flash in the pan...temporary...made from dust. But not to Him. To Him I am valuable. And He saw differently for my life. My gratitude is unexplainable...it's something I can only express to Him through prayer...and thoughts...and tears. It's a heart-cry...from me to Him. A quiet and humble whisper, "thank you".

I am blessed. God blessed me with a loving, thoughtful, funny, handsome, talented, hard-working husband. He blessed me with two amazing boys to raise and care for...and they bring a smile to my face daily. Yes, sneers, too...life is life, after all. But more smiles. Hands-down.

What really smacked me upside my head was the fact that I have been so whiny lately. SO whiny...

Poor me, my computer broke and now I can't blog...or do homework...or play Word Twist on Facebook. Poor me, I am so busy with work and school and kids and business and sports and life. Poor me, my house is a mess and there's laundry on the bathroom floor and a carpet to vacuum and crisper bins to clean out. Really? Really, Michelle? You are complaining about all of this? Seriously?

You need to be thanking God every minute of every day that you even have these things to complain about! You need to be grateful that you even have a man, or kids. You need to be grateful that you live in a country where all of these opportunities are handed to you. You want to complain about having to pay for a doctor's appointment for your son? Really? How about being grateful that you have a son. And that you live in a country where medical care is even available. Really, Michelle? You need to be thankful that there's food in your fridge to be cleaned out! That means you have an abundance. You have enough. More than enough. You need to be grateful that you have a home to care for. You have a roof over your head. Your house is standing. You need to be grateful you have a bathroom and not just a hole in the floor.

And no computer? Oh....you poor baby.

Wow...I'm ashamed.

Get a grip, girl. Snap out of it. Wake up! Life is good. Life is wonderful. Life is a gift. And a blessing. Be grateful for it...

Now...go. Go about your day. Smile at someone. Do something nice for someone. Be Jesus with skin on. Change your attitude...because your glass is definitely half full.

Wednesday in the Word.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.

I wanted to share a different scripture with you this morning but it just didn't feel right. I stopped and took a minute to pray and Proverbs 3:5-6 popped into my head. And right away I knew it was for me, personally. And maybe for you, too.

I have been leaning on my own understanding. I like to think I'm relying on God. I like to think that I am in communion with Him and moving in His will always. But if I really stop and think about it...I haven't been leaning on Him. Or trusting Him all that much, for that matter. I have been going full steam ahead...in my own power and strength. And then wondering why I'm so stressed out.

Why am I not leaning on Him? Maybe it's got to do with feeling like prayers are going unanswered...feeling cast aside...and forgotten...and confused. If I'm being honest here, this is where I'm at lately.

The silly part of all of this is that I know if I were to just hand it all over to Him...give it up...stop obsessing and worrying and fretting...I know that my negative feelings would subside. Because I know that my God hasn't forgotten me...or cast me aside. And I know that if I were running things by Him rather than running ahead of Him I wouldn't be confused because I'd be walking in His will...and not my own.

Thank you, Lord, for this gentle reminder this morning. Thank you for that little whisper reminding me to trust you. Thank you for reminding me that I can trust you.

I'm ba-aaaackkk....

Whew. That was a rough go of it last week with the computer broken! I am quite reliant on my computer now that I'm taking online classes...not to mention my attachment to this blog and all of you who share it with me. I will say though, it was a nice break from the from the Internet. I realized that I waste a lot of time looking...for...what? Just looking, really...wasting time...zoning out...escaping. And honestly, I don't have TIME to waste! I need to use every bit of my time wisely. Don't we all? I complain about not having time to do this, that or the other thing...but if I'm more careful with my time, and I don't waste it...then...well, you know.

So we've got our new computer...I'm back online...but I have no pictures. They're all on the other computer and I'm just praying that they can be retrieved. Things will be a little quiet around here for a while...I'm going to scale back on computer time...be more organized with my files...and be better at prioritizing my life. I've missed you...and appreciate the encouraging comments and emails. It's good to be back...

today is the day...

This is where I'll be today...ALL day...selling my wares.

Wish me luck!

...come again some other day...

A sign painted on the alley wall...from the birthday trip.

It's raining. Oh how I wish I could stay home today, make soup , clean the bathroom and get ready for this art fair. I am getting ready to put together a stack of note cards to sell. They're still for sale in my Etsy shop, too, until I get my web site finished. Yes...it's on the to-do list along with everything else! It's just going to be very simple...but it still takes time. I'm getting there...it's one of those things you just need to DO. Just open the program and make the thing..! It may have to wait until after this art faire. I still have to put cards together, mount photos on mats and then frame some prints. By Friday. My mom is going to help me...thank goodness! Because in the middle of all of that, I also have to read a 133 page essay and write a 2-page paper for school!

That's my cue to get off this computer! What have you got going on today?

Monday...again.

I like this mosaic of other people's photos. I think it's interesting the ones I choose as favorites...notice many of the colors are muted. Lots of grays and browns and soft colors. Then with a shot of color here and there...like life. Muted and dull many days...with bursts of goodness and vibrancy to keep things interesting.

This past weekend was busy. Which is making today a bit rough. Not bad. Just slow...and foggy...like I could sleep for another week, straight. I think all of my responsibilities...family, school, work, home...are beginning to pile up on me. Then add to that the other things I decide I want to do...an artisan faire...a web site...helping family and friends do this, that or the other thing...and I am FULL. Not to mention getting ready for a trip to Belgium, forgetting daily to get my passport...putting together a message, a donation letter...and a book for crying out loud.

Before I started working at the bookstore I was able to give myself a "home day" now and then. A full day to putter around the house. To wash sheets and dry them in the sun. To scrub the floors and wipe down walls. To clean out some drawers and fill bags with donations. To hose off the porch. To make something...just for fun. To cook something long and slow on the stove top...that I just scrubbed nice and clean. To read my bible and listen to praise music...loud. To just stay home.

But now that I'm working four days a week, that has changed. It's changed because I have to go somewhere every day. I go to work Monday thru Thursday and on Fridays I go to our business office to do payroll and pay bills and such. Oh, and the best part...have lunch with my hubby...something I miss being able to do on a regular basis like we used to do. Hmmm...I didn't realize how much I missed that until I just wrote it...

Yeah...today is a bit rough. Not bad. Just rough. Maybe I'm doing too much...people warned me (yes...you...I know, I know..)...asked if I thought I could do it...of course I said, "Yeah! I can do it ALL!" But...I hadn't done it all yet...so what did I know!? Ha!

Anyway...I need to pray about this...ask God what He would have me do. And what He would have me let go. I'll let you know what He says...

**Go here to see who's responsible for these amazing photos.**

read at your own risk...you've been warned.

{what's in your hutch? if you go to flickr you can read notes...because I'm sure you have nothing better to do, right? yeah...}

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It's one of those days. I'm cluttered. Scattered. Jumbled. Finding it difficult to put one thought in front of the other. I get like this when I've got too much in my mind. Making a list sounds necessary right about now. A long list. Like on butcher paper stuck to my fridge with a magnet. And with check boxes next to each item so I can check them off as they're done. Yeah. That's what I'll do. A list.

One thing that's been bothering me is my piles. Oh. Um. OK, wait. That didn't come out right. Not that kind of piles. I mean piles of paper...you know, mail, bills, report cards...those piles. Goodness...no wonder I'm a cluttered mess! The places my mind goes sometimes!

Anyway...I think I've come to the conclusion lately that I am not going to fight my piling, listing, misplacing ways anymore. I just can't. It takes more energy to fight it than it does to just go with it and make it work for me. You know? Seriously. I am not super woman. I don't care what magazine articles or blog articles or Dr. whoever says...I can't do it all. And really? I don't want to do it all. I want to do some things. Lots of things, actually. And I want to do those things well. But the other stuff? Well...I don't know what to tell you. I guess someone else will have to take it on. Because there are just certain areas that I need to let some things go.

Like the fact that my house, old and small as it is, will never, ever, ever, be spacious and airy and spotless clean. Ever. It just won't. And I need to just know this...accept this...and move on. Enough stressing over it. Enough beating myself up about it. Enough. I need to just do the best that I can with what I have. And I need to be content with that. It is what it is. Nothing more and nothing less. Deal with it. Work with it. Be grateful for it. Move on.

Or the fact that I pile things up. I just do. I always have. So I may as well work it to my advantage somehow. I mean, really...maybe it can be a good thing. At least I'll know that whatever it is I need will be in that pile. I won't have to guess which drawer I put it in...or which cabinet...or which file box. Seriously. Because every time I try to get organized in a way that works for someone else...I LOSE THINGS. And that's not good either.

So. Yeah. Today I'm at the point where I just need to accept some things. And stop fighting some things. Mainly my self. Aren't we our own worst enemies? I am finding that I'm really hard on myself. I really need to ease up on me. I need to stop comparing myself to others. And weighing my value as a woman...or as a wife and a mother...based on what others are capable of. I am me. I have always been me. And any time I try to be like someone else, it back fires. And then I have to start all over becoming me. And I have to say...it is really, really tiresome. It's much easier to be me. And to strive to be the best me I can be.

That being said...I'm going to go make that list. Anything you need to let go of today? Do it girl...

Libby's 10 things.

Well, she wore me down. She was relentless. She pouted. She sulked. She gave me dirty looks.

So I said, "Fine. Make your own 10 things list...see if I care!"

So she did.

1. Pedicures. There's nothing like having my feet done! All that digging in the dirt wrecks havoc on a girls feet and nails!

2. Apples. I love apples. And I hog them whenever that mean lady that keeps us in this stinky cage all day brings them out to me...er...I mean us.

3. Freedom. There's nothing quite like being able to relieve myself wherever and whenever I want to. You know you're jealous.

4. Bugs. Oh how I love bugs.

5. Gossip. I am the best at letting the WHOLE neighborhood know what's going on around here.

6. A nice long bath. There's nothing like a pile of dirt and some sunshine to rejuvenate a girl's senses and get her ready for yet another day of it all. *sigh.....*

7. Having my own camera. Oh. Wait. That's right. That mean lady that keeps us in this stinky cage all day didn't GET me my own camera. Whatever.

8. Frantically scratching and pecking at the door to this stinky cage. It makes that mean lady feel bad and let us out. I've heard her say that we are "destructive". Uh huh...we'll see what she has to say about that when her vegetables are growing like gang-busters thanks to my...uh...freedom.

9. Long walks on the beach. Don't ask...don't tell. What happens in California stays in California.

10. Having my photo taken. I am quite photogenic...all my sides are good.

The End.

Busy, busy, busy...

I'm working today at a local elementary school. I am on the sub list for secretarial positions and I got a call the other day to work all day in the front office. So...I accepted it.

Then...a few hours later...I got a call from my manager at the book store asking if I'd be interested in a permanent part-time position doing inventory and receiving 4 days a week...3 hours a day. Umm...yeah! I'm thinking this will work well with the boys' school schedule. MY school schedule. And it will mean a reliable paycheck. Even if it IS a small one! So...I start training for that tomorrow at 10am.

So. Today. Work all day in the front office of an elementary school. Come home...make dinner...then head out to bible study at around 6:30 or so.

Tomorrow. Work from 10-1. Go to the shop to do payroll and banking. Then...pick Ian up from school at 3 and get the weekend started.

In the middle of everything I need to find time to do an "experiment"...more like a "study"...for school and write a 4-6 page paper about it. Rough draft due Tuesday.

Pray for me. It's gonna be a crazy coupla days!

Wednesday in the Word.

Psalm 139:23

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

You may have noticed that I share a lot of scripture relating to anxiety. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure I've shared Psalm 139 with you before...at least once! Anxiety is something I deal with on an almost daily basis. It came on full force about 9 years ago. I woke up one Monday morning unable to stand up straight because my back hurt so badly. I called in sick to work...I was an aide in a special ed classroom at the time. I stayed home...took it easy...and hoped I'd be better by the next day. Well, I woke up Tuesday and I still couldn't stand up straight. So I called in sick again. And I stayed home. I don't know why...or what happened...but that night, I just sort of lost it. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't breathe right. And all I could hear was ringing in my ears. I didn't know it at the time...but I later learned I was having a full-blown anxiety attack.

I ended up calling in sick for the rest of the week. I could barely function. I was so terrified to leave the house. It took everything I had to get Seth to school each day. Finally, on Friday, I couldn't' take it anymore. And I ended up in the office of our women's pastor. I walked into the church office...immediately began to cry (something I'd been doing ALL WEEK)...and fell into her office.

After talking and crying..a lot...she gave me one of the most useful spiritual tools I've ever been given. She explained to me that anxiety was an attack of the enemy on my mind...on my thoughts. And that when these thoughts started to enter my mind I needed to say six simple words..."In Jesus' name, I rebuke you." She explained to me that anything I ask of God, in the name of Jesus, shall be done. So when I rebuked the enemy...in the name of Jesus...he had to flee. HAD to. And the amazing part? He did. Immediately.

At the beginning of my learning to deal with anxiety, he would return shortly thereafter...hoping I'd forgotten how to use my spiritual tool. But as time went on...and I had more and more faith in God and His perfect care of me...my rebukes became more effective.

I still deal with anxiety...almost every day. Sometimes it's just a little nervous flutter in my gut. Sometimes it's a little stronger and I am shaky and unable to get full, deep breaths. Sometimes I'm nervous about a certain situation. And sometimes an attack comes on from out of nowhere...for seemingly no reason at all. The important thing is that now I am able to realize what's happening. I usually feel them coming on. Sometimes they sneak up on me. But they no longer prevent me from leaving the house. Now, when I feel an attack hit, I pray and then I speak it out...I tell Chris, "Honey, I'm feeling anxious for some reason." Then we'll talk about it for a minute...I take a few good, deep breaths...and then move through it. Many times, just speaking it out...telling someone...makes it lose it's power and loose its grip.

You may wonder why I never chose to get on medication for it. I don't like medication. My belief...my OPINION...is that medication, while very helpful for some, is too readily prescribed. I didn't want to be reliant on a pill. And I don't think God wanted me reliant on a pill either. He wanted me reliant on HIM. So...that's how I chose to deal with anxiety. I understand it's different for everyone. But I also understand that God is a BIG God...He's bigger than anxiety...He's bigger than depression...He's bigger than cancer...and He's certainly bigger than a pill.

Again, this is ONLY my OPINION. An opinion based on what God has done for ME. I am not condemning anyone for taking pills. But I do believe that for some...they're not necessary if we would just learn how to deal with the symptoms and the triggers using Godly tools, rather than masking them.

The bottom line is, God is good. And He loves us. ANd wants the best for us. He knows our hearts and our anxious thoughts. He wants us to be strong...in mind and body. He wants us to lean into Him...to trust Him...to rely on Him. And these trials we go through...these tests...are allowed as a way of strengthening us and drawing us nearer to Him. Not nearer to a pill. At least that's how I see it...

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Some Thoughts of Fasting on Day 3:

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your comments, for your support, for your encouragement, and for your helpful advice during this fast. You are all amazing...and I'm glad you are there for me. On a not so positive note...and I'll just give you a warning...some grumbling is about to ensue. SO...walk on by if you don't want to hear honesty that includes much whining.

I know this is not what a fast is about. I'm supposed to be focusing on the Lord...and listening for His voice...and I am. I'm just also a bit distracted. Luckily, He is very patient with me...thank goodness.

It's Day 3 and I still have a headache. I've decided, I am not good at fasting. I feel like a failure. And apparently, according to what I've read, discouragement is common when one is fasting. From what I've read, it will pass. I hope it passes soon..because it's getting on my nerves. I'M getting on my nerves! I cried in the shower today...CRIED. Partly, because I want a diet Coke. But mostly because I am being so pathetic about the stuff!! Get a GRIP, girl!! And I just want to say that I hope you realize, those of you reading this, that I am writing this honestly. I pray that it is not a deterrent should you choose to do a fast. I recommend it. Obviously, it is VERY enlightening. I just don't like it.

That last sentence just made me laugh...I wonder if God is laughing at me, too? Maybe with me? Let's hope...

Lucy....you've got some cleaning to do!

It's Saturday. And my kitchen is a MESS. It's not just a mess...it's plain ol' dirty. And I can't take it any MORE!

I am going to take everything off of the counters...fill the sink with hot soapy water...soak and scrub and shine...buff, scour and rinse. Today is the day...finally. I've been wanting to do it for a week but have just been so busy. So...today it is.

OK...I'm goin' in! If you don't hear from me later today...send help.

What are YOU doing today? I hope it's a LOT more fun than scrubbing a kitchen!