the post in which I figure out why I have no motivation...

I wrote this last week and then chickened out about posting it. I mentioned it in passing in a recent post and said to myself, "If anyone mentions it, I will post it." Well, someone did...so here it is. 

My motivation is at ZERO. I made all these lists and I have yet to do anything on them. I'm doing the day to day stuff, of course. But other than that? Not much.

Is it because of the heat? Or because it's "that time of the month"? Am I a little depressed?

I'm thinking all of the above.

It took me a few days (and the act of writing this post...always interesting to see what comes out when I sit down to write) to realize that a little bit of depression has taken hold. Sometimes it sneaks up on me like that. In the past I would feel it coming and I would just brace myself and hope for the best. But as I've gotten better at recognizing it's impending arrival (and battling it off like a champ, I might add) it seems it has gotten a little sneakier.

So every now and then I realize that something just isn't right...and that's when it's time to recognize that depression has set in without warning. And rather than giving in to it I recognize it, and begin the process of getting through it.

After I recognize it, I tell someone about it, usually my husband. I have found that the simple act of saying, "I'm feeling a little depressed lately." instantly makes the depression lose its power over me. It's no longer a secret, and in my experience, that's where the depression held its power over me...in the secrecy, the shame and embarrassment. So now I call it out.

The next step is to take some time to think about what's causing it. Where did it come from? Did something specific happen? Is there something going on that I'm not dealing with?

It's also important during this time to be gentle with myself...move slow, get enough rest (but not too much, gotta get out of that bed!), stay calm. And put the to-do lists aside for now. I mean, stay productive, you don't want to sloth around. That definitely doesn't help the situation. But I don't put extra expectations on myself. Right now the main goal is to clear my head and to keep myself from slipping into the pit.

Have you heard of "the pit"? I spent way too much time in the pit, I'm sad to say. But then I read a book that changed how I handle depression... Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. Pretty sure I've recommended it before. But it's so good I will recommend it again. If you deal with depression I highly recommend it. It was without a doubt one of the most effective tools in helping me understand depression and helping me learn how to fight it effectively.

It doesn't mean that it doesn't still show up now and then...it does. But now I'm better equipped to fight it.
The good thing in all of this? Depression doesn't stay around as long as it once did. And I thank God for that...

(Did you notice I say "deal with" and not "suffer from" depression? VERY important...I deal with depression head on. I don't suffer from it...that would imply that I am a victim and I'm not. And neither are you.)

* * * * *

And...as with all posts I write about depression or anxiety I feel the need to include a disclaimer:

Sharing this stuff is scary. And makes me feel extremely vulnerable...especially when I share while IN it. But I believe that God has a plan...and that there is a reason for everything...including His allowing me to deal with depression and anxiety. And for me the reason is always to draw me closer to Him, it's "the thorn in my side", if you will. And also to share with others that it is possible to get through it without medication but rather with prayer and leaning into God. So because God has allowed this, and because He brings me through it every single time, it is my responsibility to share it with you. The battle. The struggle. The process. The deliverance. The healing. The victory. 

All that being said...there is no need to worry about me. Yes, I am battling depression today. But to be honest, I battle it every day, it seems that it is always lurking to some degree. It's just that some days are better or worse than others. That's all. And like always...I will get through it...God will make sure of it. 

summer reading list.

I mentioned wanting to do some reading this summer. And I mentioned thinking I needed to run out and buy something interesting to read. But I also mentioned that I had plenty of unread reading material in my possession so buying something new was not only not necessary, but silly.

I decided to shop my book shelves for interesting reads for this summer...this is the stack I came up with...

bird by bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott - I have started this book  a half dozen times but haven't ever read it to the end. I'm thinking it might have something to do with what Steven Pressfield had to say when interviewed by Oprah on Super Soul Sunday. I don't make it a habit to watch Super Soul Sunday (and quite frankly, I think the name is just stupid) but when another show ended and I happened to catch the beginning of what this guy had to say my interest was piqued. He talked about creativity, and resistance, and why we have such a hard time fulfilling our creative calling. I don't necessarily agree with the delivery of his philosophy, and wasn't appreciative of his wishy-washy "spirituality". But the main idea was spot on. It got me thinking. So with all of that being said, my goal is to actually finish bird by bird...and we'll see if it sinks in this time.

The Old Farmer's Almanac - This little booklet is just always on the reading list. I ask for it in my stocking every Christmas, and it makes me happy, but I have yet to actually read it cover to cover. Who knows? I might learn something!

One Thousand Gifts by Anne Voskamp - This book was all the rage a few years back. Everyone was reading it and going on and on about how great it was. So naturally, not wanting to jump on anyone's bandwagon, I resisted. But then...but then one day a dear friend sent it to me as a gift...and was I ever glad that she did. (I really need to get a handle on this rebellion of mine...it really works against me most times.) We began to read it together...making notes in the margins, placing sticky note after sticky note with arrows and exclamation points and "Amen's" plastered here and there...then having a discussion vie email. Unfortunately, I didn't finish reading this book either. I think it had something to do with where I was at spiritually (which wasn't the best place, if I'm honest, and I am) so I just sort of let myself drift further away from the book and eventually it landed on the bottom of the book pile. But I never stopped thinking about it...which in spiritual terms (for me, anyway) means that I really need to read it and let it soak in.

The Circle Maker: Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears by Mark Batterson - I purchased this book several weeks ago. I stopped in to the Christian book store to purchase a small gift for a coworker. And I couldn't help but check out the sale table. I had never heard of the book nor the author. But the subtitle intrigued me. And the price was right. So I bought it. I'm thinking it's gonna be helpful and enlightening.

Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson - I bought this book a LONG time ago. And I can't remember why. I don't know if I'd read about it or heard about it or what. But a major book seller was going out of business here in town and I found it sitting all alone on a shelf marked way down. So I bought it. And now, I need to read it.

The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison - This is another one of those books that was so popular a while back. I stumbled across an excerpt from it one day and just knew that I had to read the whole book. I found it on sale during one of my periodic trips to the book store and snatched it up. I haven't even cracked the spine. Yet. It's gonna get read this summer. And as has been recommended, I will keep a lot of tissue handy.

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver - Definitely one of my all-time favorite books EVER. It was life-changing. Yes, I've already read it. But it is SO worth a second (or a third or a fourth) read. And I can't wait to dig in again.

The Honey Prescription by Nathaniel Altman - this was a (very thoughtful) gift from my mom for my birthday. She knows how intrigued I am with bees and honey and that when I'm not feeling well I like to try something natural before resorting to a pill. (I'm pretty sure I got this from her...she wasn't one to just instantly give us a pill or run right to the doctor for any little ailment...thank goodness.) There's a little bit about it here....I am really looking forward to reading this one!

Becoming Myself by Stasi Eldredge - This was another sale table find at the Christian book store. The title caught my attention as I feel like that is what I have been doing over the past several years. God didn't create us to be like everyone else. He created us to be unique, ourselves. He created us for a purpose and has a divine plan for our lives. But I think for many of us circumstances, bad choices, unhealthy relationships have turned us into a warped version of what God had in mind when He knit us together in our mothers' wombs. I'm thinking this book might be a piece of the puzzle that helps me find my way back to God's original plan for my life. I'm hoping so, anyway.

* * *

Honestly, this list is pretty ambitious of me as I am not a big reader. I don't have a book going at all times and if I do have a book going but it turns out I don't care for it, I stop reading it. I don't read for the sake of reading.

I do read blogs. And magazine articles. But it's rare for me to finish a book cover to cover. I'm more of a skimmer. Call it ADD. Call it commitment issues. Or maybe it's my visual learning style. Whatever it is, I just don't read a ton. I am also a picky reader. It has to be really interesting or contain really helpful info for me to read it from start to finish. So we'll see how I do with this list...I'll keep you posted!

solitude vs. isolation

I have to admit, I am the type of person who enjoys alone time. I have never been one to always have to have people around me. I enjoy people. I enjoy social situations. But I also enjoy time by myself. As a matter of fact, I would even go so far as to say that I need to be alone sometimes.

Being alone (not lonely, mind you, just by myself) allows me time to think. It allows me time to be quiet and still. It allows me to rest and refresh.

I can't think of a time when I wasn't OK with being alone. As a girl I would spend time in my room laying on my bed listening to music, and reading magazines or drawing or writing letters to friends. I loved spending quiet time in my own space.

As a young adult I rented a small one-bedroom apartment (and I do mean small...maybe 400 sq. ft....maybe) out in the country. It was quite a drive from town so not many people just "popped in" to visit. I loved that little apartment. It was just the right size for me and Rosie, my cat. As a young single girl you can imagine I went out with my friends...a lot. But there were also those times when I opted to stay home, alone. I would watch TV or listen to music, I would paint or draw, I would cook, I would tend to my little front yard or sometimes I would just sit out front and watch the sun go down.

Solitude...it can be a good thing.

However, I have learned that I have to be careful. I have to be careful that what begins as solitude doesn't morph into isolation. Isolation is not the same as solitude. Isolation is an avoidance mechanism. To isolate is to avoid people and social situations as opposed to solitude which is more like taking a purposeful break from social activity.

As a person who deals with anxiety and depression I have to be careful that my times of solitude don't become times of isolation. Being alone is good for me, yes. But I have to be aware not to take it too far. Because I can if I allow myself.

Solitude vs. isolation...healthy vs. unhealthy...I'm so glad that I have learned the difference.

"I love you, too."

So I'm still reeling from Wednesday night's bible study...so much and all of it so good.

Another thing Beth Moore talked about was a time when God told her that every time she wanted to tell God she loved Him, rather than saying, "I love you, God."....He wanted her to say..."I love you, too."

God is love.

For the past 8 weeks or so I have been attending a women's bible study at our old church. It's Breaking Free by Beth Moore and it has been...life-changing.

Last night during her video session she was talking about loving God...and really digging deep in asking us, much like Jesus asked Peter, if we really love God.

I have always thought that I truly loved God. But last night, as Beth dug deeper and deeper, I realized that I don't. I mean, I DO. I DO love God. But not the way that I want to love Him. Not the way that He deserves to be loved.

I was shaken...in a good way. Coming to the realization that I don't love God like I thought I did was a good thing. It was enlightening. Not condemning. It made me want to dig deeper and allow God to penetrate my heart so that I can love Him better. Fully. With my whole heart.

During the video session Beth has the viewer fill in blanks in the workbook as she speaks. And one of the blanks was very simply....God is love. Just like that. Simple.

We've all seen it, right? On t-shirts, coffee mugs, bumper stickers. And to be honest, because it is everywhere, I often overlook it.

I overlook those three simple words...God is love. I dismiss them. Not in a way that I don't believe them. More in a prideful way of, "Well yeah He is. Everyone knows that."

But as I wrote those three little words in my workbook it was as if a shock went through from my hand to my heart to my mind to my soul and suddenly I truly realized...GOD IS LOVE.

So simple. Yet so incredibly profound.

God is love. And without Him, we are incapable of loving.

So. Now what?

Admittedly, I have been in a spiritual slump for a good long while now. I'm stuck. So I think the place to start is a simple prayer...thanking God for loving me and asking Him to help me to love Him back...for real.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.

Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

1 John 4:16


one word.

Happy New Year! It's 2012. A few days ago I mentioned wanting to choose one word to represent this coming year. When I first thought of it there was a word that popped into my head...but I quickly dismissed it. For one thing, I thought it was kind of a boring word. It wasn't a word I'd want imprinted on a charm or tattooed on my ankle. (No...don't worry...I'm not considering a tattoo...been there, done that.)

For another thing...I was feeling a bit pessimistic about the coming year. I didn't have the excitement and hopeful attitude I did when 2011 rang in. So...as this word entered my mind I shrugged it off...and waited for another word...a better word...to come to mind.

In the meantime...the original word kept showing up. I would hear it. I would see it. I kept thinking about it. It was everywhere...and it was clear that it wasn't going away. So I gave in...and I prayed about it...and I realized that it was the perfect word for this coming year...

possible

Yep. That's it. That's the word. Possible.

"Everything is possible for one who believes.” - Mark 9:23.

“What is impossible with human beings is possible with God.” - Luke 18:27.

I can't wait to see where this leads...

life in the meantime.



Chris and I went to a yard sale a few weeks ago...

It's Friday...I slept in late. I don't usually like to do that...but I'm thinking I must have needed it. Rather than beat myself up about it...I'm going with it...taking it slow...puttering around the house...

The boys slept in, too...it is summer after all. It's gonna be a rude awakening when school rolls back around...for all of us.

I am still processing the fact that Papa is no longer here on this earth with us...it's so hard to believe. As much as I didn't want to, I believed it when Noni went to be with Jesus. I am figuring because Noni's passing was a family affair, it was such a process, and I had the privilege of being a part of that process. I am so grateful for that time with her...so, so grateful.

Papa's departure wasn't a process...it wasn't a family affair. It was him...and Jesus...and they decided the time...and that was that. There is peace in that, too because we all believe that is exactly how Papa wanted it.

That was a gift... The gift of peace...  God is good...all the time.

In the meantime...family gathers, plans are made, tears are shed, and in the middle of it all there is laughter and gratitude and good times and hugs and memories and love...lots and lots of love...another gift.

In the meantime...groceries need to be picked up, dinners need to be made, kids need to go to practice and parties and games and youth groups. Business needs to be run...gardens need to be watered...and all the while there are the underlying emotions...joy and sorrow, gratitude and peace.

I will always miss Papa. For my whole life. I still miss Noni immensely and it's been two years. I miss my Papa Gene and he's been in heaven for over 10 years. I miss Grandpa Fred, Chris' grandpa (but I claim him as my Grandpa, too!) . I will always miss them...always. Always and forever. They held special places on this earth...and they hold special places in my heart...that only they can fill.

Until we meet again...I'm so grateful for amazing memories of amazing human beings that I am so blessed to call family.

progress.

The beans are sprouting.

The lettuce is sprouting.

A sunflower is coming up. As are some cantaloupes.

Snap peas are growing and climbing...I love tendrils.

Tomatoes and peppers and squash are growing and blooming.

We installed the border for the lawn this weekend.

Now all we need is the sod and we're good to go.

This is incredibly exciting.

* * * * * * * *

I worked Friday night. I was going about my business of tidying shelves preparing for closing time when I stopped to answer a few questions for a nice couple shopping for some DVDs. It ended up, after a bit of conversation, that they asked if they could pray for me. I usually pray for customers. They don't pray for me.

But I said yes.

They prayed.

And God spoke to me so clearly...so very clearly. A sweet, loving whisper...

"It's time to forgive."

I have been holding on to some pain...to some wounds...to betrayals by someone I thought I could trust.

It's time to let them go.

I knew the hurts were there. But I didn't know I was allowing them so much power in my life.

I didn't know they were like a cork, stopping me in my tracks...paralyzing me...preventing me from moving forward...preventing me from being effective...preventing me from becoming the woman God created me to be. Preventing me from truly living and accomplishing my dreams.

There is progress in my life...on the outside.

Now I need to allow some progress on the inside.

It's time to let it go.

It's time to forgive.

This is not going to be easy.

I am really struggling with it.

But why would I hang onto something so ugly?

I don't need it. It's not doing me any good. At all.

My mind says to forgive but my heart still has a death grip on the hurt. A death grip...exactly. It's death to me. Hanging on to this crap is killing me. It's killing my soul...my life...my future.

It's time to forgive.

But maybe I'm not ready.

Maybe I don't want to..?

Rebellion.

But I have to.

Obedience.

Forgiveness.

It's for me. Not for you.

It's time to live..on purpose...forgive...and move on.

I have to do it because my love for

God is bigger than the pain.

It's time to let go.

It's time to forgive.

Free...

"Bound"

Beautiful artwork I purchased several years

ago from Bound Staff Press on Etsy.com. 

"If you love something, set it free..."

I was sitting in bed doing my bible study last night (finally getting back on track...jeesh) and came across a little orange sticky note in my bedside table drawer (as I was rooting around for my Pez). On it I had scribbled,

"If you love something, set it free...God set us free."

I'd forgotten I'd written that down. And it was suddenly such a profound thought to me. We've all heard the saying, yeah, yeah, yeah....love something, set it free...blah blah. But I'd never thought of it in regard to God. It occurred to me that it is exactly what God does for us. Before God sends us to this earth, we are with Him. It says it right in the bible...in Jeremiah 1:5...

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..."

And how about Psalm 139?

13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Before we were born...we were already meant to be. God already had us planned. He created us...He knew us...He formed us...for a purpose. This is so amazing to me...that He always knew that at this very time I would be here, on this earth. He sent me, and you...for such a time as this.Wow...

OK...so this is how my thoughts went:

He formed me in my mother's womb. He sent me to earth. Basically...He set me free. Because He loved me.

So I was born into the world...and I lived however I wanted for many, many years. I lived my life without any regard to Him. I never really gave God much thought. I had a knowledge of God...or "something bigger than myself" but I came to a point in my life that I wasn't sure I believed in GOD. Or at least I didn't want to call anything GOD. Did I believe in a higher power? Yes. I knew I didn't believe in the big bang "theory". Even in my unbelief I knew that was a crock. But I wasn't comfortable calling whatever it was God. But now I know that whether I believed it or not, God did send me here. He did create me. He loved me, He formed me and then He set me free. And off I flew.

We all have a God shaped hole in our hearts. And nothing else will ever fill it but Him. Not drugs. Not alcohol. Not sex. Not work. Not tarot cards. Not palm reading. Not "spirituality". The thing that we are always in search of...that longing we feel but can't quite fulfill...it's that little hole in our heart that only God can fill.

I accepted God into my heart when I was 32 years old. It was a rainy night...I was watching TV with my husband...and he came across a TV evangelist. And he listened. Now any other day, I would have made fun. But not this time. This time I listened. Intently. And I cried. And when this man on TV invited me to say a prayer inviting the Lord into my heart...I did. You can imagine my surprise when I found out this man with the powerful voice was Billy Graham. Imagine that. I just accepted God into my heart in the middle of my living room floor. Wonders never cease!

God came into my heart...He took His rightful place...He filled that black hole...and made ME whole. At that moment...this little bird that He set free 32 years earlier returned to Him...because I loved Him. And I knew it in an instant. An instant. This never ceases to amaze me...ever. I marvel at how God got a hold of me...how He got my attention, finally, and opened my eyes so that I could see...Truth. And Love. And Hope.

Let me tell you that life has NOT been the same since. I am not the same person I was 11 years ago. Thank you GOD. Walking with God is a process. It's a journey. And like any other journey there are ups and downs...hills and valleys...good and bad...highs and lows. But in the end...and through it all...God is good. And He wants good things for us. He loves us....and is waiting for us to fly back to Him.

"If you love something, set it free.

And if it yours, it will return to you."

Dear God,

I am yours...

Love,

Michelle

2011...it's here. And it's gonna be good.

I don't know that I've ever entered into a new year with such a feeling of...expectation. Hopeful expectation...but with more of a knowledge that it is going to be good. 

For many of the past years I've entered into each new year with the hope that it would be better. But it was a pretty generic hope. An unsure hope. And as I hoped on the outside and looked pretty convincing...on the inside, I was more of a wince. I entered into each new year with shoulders shrugged and holding my arms over my head at the ready to fend off anything hurling it's way toward me.

That was then. This is now. And I honestly believe that 2011 is going to be good. And that the excitement that I feel...the expectancy...is real. It's from deep inside. It's like it's coming straight from God's heart to mine...a direct shot of goodness and hope...from the Father.

And you know what else is really cool about all of this? The expectancy...the goodness...the hope? Many of YOU are feeling it, too. It's like it's in the air...or the water. 2011 isn't about hoping with a wince. It's not about going in ducking and dodging, afraid of what's to come. It's about going in with chins up...shoulders back...and sleeves rolled up, ready to get in there and make things happen. It's about an unshakable hope...the gift of hope from God...and knowing that He is good. And that He has good things in store for us. And that we need to be open...and ready to receive from Him, in whatever form it may come to us, in 2011.

Happy New Year...

trying to figure things out...

Can I just say I'm not sure what the heck I'm doing? Can I just say that I'm totally unsure of my future right now? I feel like I'm spinning in circles...like that game where you put your head on the end of a baseball bat, spin around and around and then try to walk a straight line. That's me. I'm trying to walk a straight line right now but can't seem to get my focus.

All last year I had a goal: get to Belgium. In the meantime I was also taking college courses and working part-time at the book store. I was pretty busy last year. I had a goal. I was (pretty much) focused. (I'm never totally focused...I tend to be a bit flighty....distracted by shiny objects...but I try!)

So...lo and behold...I got to Belgium (thanks to many of you I might add). And God was good in all of it. And I fulfilled what God sent me to do. I was obedient. And I came home changed. But now what? All of that momentum and now I'm suddenly just sort of...coasting. And...it's OK, I guess. I know God is doing something...I know He's preparing me for the next phase of my walk with Him. And I know that I gathered up so many tools for future ministry while in Belgium . And I know that now I'm in the "wait" stage. But I am so bad at waiting.

Waiting is hard. But it's necessary. Waiting can also be referred to as "trusting". Trusting God is necessary because it builds relationship with Him. Trusting Him keeps me close to Him, tethered to Him, pressing into Him.

Do I trust God enough to wait on Him? Do I trust God enough to realize that His timing is perfect and mine is not...ever? Do I trust God enough to continue forward, even if I'm a bit dizzy and out of sorts, knowing that He is guiding my every step and that He is leading me to something good?

Yes. I do. I trust Him completely. Because He is trustworthy...period.

putting things in perspective.

I wanted to share with you two blogs that I've come across over the past several months. They are written by women...young women...who are living their lives to the fullest. They are written by young women who are living their lives for others...for God...for the bigger picture. The first blog is The Journey. The second blog is Be the Hands and Feet. If you want to be inspired...moved...convicted...then take some time to visit these blogs. Maybe even take some time to give...an encouraging comment...a bit of money (Renee is currently in need of new transportation)...prayer.

The stories of these women and those that they are living for are amazing. And moving. And REAL. To read about what they see on a daily basis...the lives that have been forgotten about, cast aside...really puts things in perspective.

The time is drawing near...

Before I know it I will be boarding a plane headed to Belgium! On September 9th I will be heading to Belgium for a 10-day trip. I can't believe it's already August for crying out loud! We will be facilitating a women's conference at the church we're visiting. We'll be helping out at several different homeless shelters in the area. We'll be helping behind the scenes at a youth conference being organized by the youth team that is traveling with us. And...we'll be doing whatever else the host pastor asks us to. It's going to be a BUSY week! We'll also find some time to sight see...including a day-trip to Paris to see the Eiffel Tower! (Speaking of which, I've got a meeting tonight to start our crash course in French! Thank goodness I remember a little bit of it from junior high...ou est le bain?)

Suddenly, I have a little more than one month to finish up the notes for my message...write a small devotional...and gather the rest of my funds. This means I need to send out my donation letter...SOON. It's written. I have nice paper to print it on. I have envelopes. Now...all I need to do is print it out and send it out!

I have to say...God has provided SO MUCH of what I need already...and completely by FAITH. When I first learned I was going to Belgium, it was stressed to me that I needed to send out a giving letter right away. I mean, you can't travel overseas without funds, right? But...I never felt any sense of urgency to get it written. And honestly, whenever I did try to write it, it sounded like a 2nd grader had written it! The words just wouldn't flow onto the paper. (And if you've been visiting me long...you know my words flow...sometimes TOO much! Lack of words is not as issue I deal with often...ahem.) So...after much frustration and a few tears I just didn't send a letter out.

Instead, I made prints and cards using some of my photos and put them up for sale. And people, in support of me, bought them. I took part in an art show...and people bought my wares...in support of me. I even went so far as to place a "Donate" button on my blog...something I was NOT comfortable with at all...but felt like it was something that God wanted me to do. And do you know that the very next day I was gifted a very generous donation by a friend far away who wanted to help?! I was blown away!

Then...I began receiving money in the mail. People would email me and ask for my mailing address so they could send me "a little something". Next thing I know I'm receiving money in the mail in support of my trip to Belgium. And then I get an envelope at church. It's full of 20 dollar bills and simply marked "Michelle...for Belgium". Another gal at my church set aside $50 for me out of her fixed income...because she wanted to help. Family has given...generously. Friends have given...generously. It just kept happening...as I least expected it...someone would hand me money or a check...for Belgium.

When I didn't feel that sense of urgency to send out a letter at the beginning of all of this, I didn't force it. And after a while, I just really felt like God was wanting to show me HIS provision. It was like He was saying, "Watch Michelle...watch what I can do...for you." So...I watched. And He showed me. He showed me His provision...through you. By faith...through generous friends and family (and even a few strangers!)...God provided everything I needed for my airfare as well as a bit of spending money. And I am grateful.

Then, as if the a year has gone by in a flash...I'm leaving in a month! Suddenly, I'm feeling down to the wire. I still have roughly a thousand dollars left to raise. When the trip was first being planned it was thought that we were not going to have to pay for a place to stay. That has changed. We will have to pay for our rooms. It was also thought that we would have access to a kitchen to prepare many of our meals ourselves. That...has changed. We will now need to purchase many meals out. I also recently learned that sometimes you have to PAY to go to the bathroom!! If you want clean facilities, that is. (And...I pretty much do!)

With all of that being said...please consider this a humble request for support. If you would like to donate to the Belgium fund, there are a couple of ways to do so...

One...I can send you a donation letter in the mail. Email me privately with your mailing address and I will get it sent out to you. The letter is good in that it can be used as a "receipt" for tax purposes should you want to write it off.

Two...if you would like to donate but don't need a letter, I still have the Paypal Donate button in place in the upper left corner of my blog if you'd prefer to contribute that way.

And...as always...support me in prayer. Pray that my words are God's words. Pray that I can be an encouragement. Pray for safe travels. And pray that this trip is for God's glory...not our own.

 Thank you so much for joining me on this journey...we're almost there!

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here am I! Send me." - Isaiah 6:8

Sought After...

Isaiah 62:11-12

11 The LORD has made proclamation

to the ends of the earth:

"Say to the Daughter of Zion,

'See, your Savior comes!

See, his reward is with him,

and his recompense accompanies him.' "

12 They will be called the Holy People,

the Redeemed of the LORD;

and you will be called Sought After,

the City No Longer Deserted.

I got up in the quiet this morning. I opened the doors to the cool air and poured myself a cup of coffee. I sat down in my comfortable chair and opened up my bible. My sweet friend, Tina, reminded me yesterday of Isaiah 61...a verse that is dated and highlighted and dated again over the course of several years. Obviously God wants me to know it...and to believe it. And I do. But I think I needed a reminder.

After I read Isaiah 61 for the umpteenth time I moved on to Isaiah 62. And I read it once over. Then I read it again, more carefully. Then...as I got to the end for the second time these words really spoke to me. "...you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted."

To me, on this day, in this season, during this time of distance and loneliness, the words "Sought After" and "No Longer Deserted" whispered such hope to my soul. These are the words of the Lord...and they are telling me that He loves me, and wants me, and is WITH me...always. No matter how I may feel the TRUTH of the matter is that God is always with me. He never leaves me. He never forgets about me. Ever.

Trust Him in the quiet...have faith in Him even when it is dark...

this is amazing...

Thank You!!

I got another Donation for my trip to Belgium.

Thank you SO very much my friend...I appreciate your support.

The donations I receive and the photos and note cards that I sell in the name of this ministry give me hope...and confirms that I am truly on the right track. I mean, I know I'm on the right track...but every once in a while that little voice says mean, discouraging things...and I wander into the land of doubt. So when someone comes along and lends support...it revives my hope...and my sureness of what I'm working toward.

Day by day...closer and closer...Belgium will be here sooner than I know!

* * * * * * * * * *

If you would like to make a Donation I have placed a Paypal Donate button in the left sidebar of my blog. All proceeds go toward sending me to Belgium in September on a ministry trip.

Read more about the ministry by clicking on the Belgium Project link, also in the top left sidebar of this blog.

Thank you...

"on getting well"...

I received an email the other day...the subject was "on getting well". As a matter of fact, I received several emails the other day after I wrote the most recent Wednesday in the Word. And I just want to say thank you. Thank you for hearing me...for encouraging me...and most importantly, for sharing with me that you, too, are going through similar struggles.

Don't get me wrong. I don't wish struggles on anyone. I don't mean that in a "misery loves company" kind of way. What I do mean is that I am honored to be welcomed into your hearts and life. I am honored to be welcomed into your day to day...the good and the bad. I'm honored that God brought you into my lives...and me into yours. I'm honored that we've been given a heart connection that allows us to open up to one another.

I'm thankful that God brought this blog, of all crazy things, into my life. The Internet is a crazy thing...and hard to explain and understand. And it is full of awful, scary, unthinkable things. But...it is full of goodness, too. It is full of people, women, you, me...just trying to make our way through this life. It's full of kindred spirits longing to connect...to belong...to be heard.

I just want you to know that I hear you...and I pray for you. I want you to know that it is possible to "get well". It may seem impossible...or like the problems are too big...or have gone on too long...but with God all things are possible. Nothing is too big or too long-standing for Him...nothing. He's just waiting on you...waiting on you to want help. To want to get well.

I was told once that God is a perfect gentleman...He doesn't force Himself on anyone. He waits for an invitation. Invite Him in...

deep thought.

I have so much going through my mind these past couple of days. I'm really kind of stuck in my head...and not in a bad way. There's just stuff that I'm processing that I am unable to articulate yet. Does that make sense?

It's all whirling around in there...in my head, that is...swirling and tumbling...good things and bad things colliding with one another.

And I'm doing my best to filter it all. I'm doing my best to think on things...determine if they're good for me, or not...and if they are, continue to think on them and expand those thoughts.

If they're not good for me...I do my best to get rid of them. I think on them...only to take the lesson that I need from them if there is one...then I dump it out.

I'm trying not to dwell.

I'm trying to focus on the good things.

I'm realizing that there is a season for everything. And through a painful and amazing process I'm coming to the realization that a season of my life is over. It's a strange feeling. Like an awakening. Like my heart is suddenly open...and exposed. And it's OK.

grateful.

Today I'm feeling grateful...grateful for so many things. Family, of course...and home and God's provision. Yes, I'm grateful for those things. Always. But today, I am especially grateful for our new church. I am blown away by the kindness of the people...the support they show...and the encouragement they give. I'm blown away by their sincerity. Their humility. Their love. It's an amazing feeling to know that you have people behind you...praying for you...supporting you...believing in you. It's an amazing feeling to know that you are exactly where you belong.

If life gives you lemons...

...then by all means...take pictures of them!

It's one of those times in life where I am going about my business...doing what I need to do each day...moving things from today's list to tomorrow's because I didn't get to it...

We're going to games and to school and to work.

I'm going to the grocery store and to the bank and the book store. I'm meeting friends for coffee and feeding chickens and doing laundry.

And all the while...I feel distant. Removed. On auto-pilot. And I can't seem to shake it.

So...this morning I opened up my prayer journal and wrote. And wrote. And wrote. Until finally I decided to just sit and be quiet. I figured I do enough talking...maybe it's time to listen. So I closed my journal...put down my pen...leaned back in my comfy chair...and got quiet.

And then clear as a bell I hear in my heart...read Zephaniah 3:17.

17 The LORD your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing."

Do you write in your bible? I do. I write all over it. I write in pen. I write in pencil. I use highlighters. I write prayers and notes and people's names and dates. So this morning, as I turned to Zephaniah 3:17 in my bible I was reminded that God has brought me here before. On several occasions, according to the dates I have scribbled in the margins! I even have a note that I memorized it in 2007. But...I had since forgotten it. Leave it to God to bring it back to me at just the right time. I needed to know that He will save me. I needed to know that he delights in me. (There's that word, "delight" again...man, he loves us so much!) I needed to now that He will quiet me...and not like "Shush up! Be quiet!"...but more like a soothing, "Shhh...it's OK. I'm right here. You're going to be OK." And then as if all of that isn't enough, he's going to rejoice over me with singing? Really? Wow. And even after I've been such a pill this week?

Yes. Even after I've been such a pill this week. And if I'm honest, I'm still being a bit of a pill! But I'm working on it. I'm thinking on it. I'm figuring things out and giving them to God. I'm doing the best that I can. And that's all He asks.

He did it for us...

It's Good Friday.

Not a good day for Jesus all those years ago.

But definitely a good day for us.

Thank you Jesus for doing it for me.

Thank you that even if I were the only one on the whole earth,

you still would have died on that cross...for me.

You still would have endured the mocking...the ridicule...

the beatings, oh...the beatings.

Beaten beyond recognition.

Beaten more than a body should have been able to endure.

But you are God. And you endured it.

And endured it.

And then some.

For me.

And I am grateful.

I love you.

Thank you for doing it for me.
xo

John 19:28-30

28 Later, knowing that all was now completed, and so that the Scripture would be fulfilled, Jesus said, "I am thirsty." 29 A jar of wine vinegar was there, so they soaked a sponge in it, put the sponge on a stalk of the hyssop plant, and lifted it to Jesus' lips. 30 When he had received the drink, Jesus said, "It is finished." With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.