Monday, December 19, 2011

well now...

I'm sort of spinning in circles lately. My plate is overflowing and all of my calm and cool and control is out the window. I'm feeling extremely anxious lately...the week of finals for school might have finally got me. Not so much the finals themselves...but more that everything else going on along with the finals really just sort of sent me spinning.

I don't know...anxiety is a strange bird, isn't it? It blind-sided me this time around. To be honest, I haven't been dealing with anxiety much lately. And I am very grateful. But the last few days have me feeling anxious...the sub job is coming to a close and I am sad about it, I got another temporary position at a different school that starts when we get back from vacation, I have lots of presents to wrap, food to shop for and prepare, a laundry pile that just multiplies, a dirty bathroom, boys who won't keep their rooms clean, a few appointments thrown in between now and Friday...and it is all piled up in my brain in one big jumble.

And for whatever reason, I am not doing so good at the whole one day at a time, one thing at a time thing. I've been getting pretty good at reminding myself of this when anxiety flares...and have been able to get myself refocused pretty quickly. But I think since there is some sadness involved...and things that I have really loved are's added to the mix and made things a bit worse this time around. I loved the job...and it's ending. I loved creative writing...and it ended. And now I have to start all these new things at once...a new job, three new classes, plus kids going to dances and wrestling tournaments and getting drivers licenses.

Then of course I want to make stuff for the holidays (so I've got even more thoughts and ideas swirling around this crazy brain of mine) gifts, handmade things, crafty goodness...but haven't seemed to find the time to DO any of it. I say find the time because really, if something is important enough to us, we will find the time. I've stopped saying I don't have time...because I do. I just don't always spend it wisely. Ahem.

Either way, the bottom line is...IT'S ALL OK. Anxiety is something I've learned to live and God, we got this. So no need to worry... I'm good. Anxiety is temporary. And not realistic. The reality is...I have two weeks off for the holidays. Time to rest be OK with the goodbye's and look forward to the new beginnings. To let go with one hand and grab a hold with the other...moving along...moving forward...moving in the right direction.


You Can Call Me Jane said...

Thinking of you, sweet friend, as you tie all your loose ends together and look toward new beginnings. Don't forget to bask in His love and care every step of the way:-).

judith said...

hi Michelle,
you are a dear sweet woman. I read about your sojourning through life and it reminds me of mine all those years ago, I'm 67, so you can see it's a far separation from your age.
We are all busy now with the holidays, so we read but possibly do not leave a comment. i sense such an insecurity in you and , like mine, it's a life long hard road to overcome. I always felt better about my decisions when I had someone to talk to, and a church home to fellowship in/with.
This new year I am going to challenge you and [me too] to make an effort to be positive in our speaking, writing others, and thought process, as ,yes, it does bring the other person down, because our hearts are heavy when we witness another soul in conflict/depressed/negative. Have you ever heard this; loving is a choice-not a feeling. I have used this platform in my own life with respect to my mood. Sometimes i am so down or conflicted that i make others around me i try to make the choice in my mind to be happy, even if fanned, because then in a few hours it becomes a reality, we release those God given endorphins in our body, and we ARE happy.
We out here are with you in your happiness in your sadness, in your conflict, we care about all of you, and love you for sharing.
Merry Christmas,
Davidson NC