Sunday morning...

I'm trying.

xo

over the weekend...

The Truckee River

On Friday afternoon Chris and I headed up to my aunt and uncle's cabin at Donner Lake. My parents are staying there to take care of their dog and enjoy life at their cabin for a couple of weeks so we took some time to go hang with them. We packed our bags, filled two big bowls with cat food for the cats (and locked them out!), overflowed the chicken feeder, made sure all living things had plenty of water, loaded the car and headed to the Sierras.

Once there I spent my time...

• hanging with my hubby and my parents
• thrifting 
• relaxing
• eating big breakfasts
• people watching from the deck
• cooking
• using  my real camera
• watching a lot of (very painful Giants) baseball
• taking a drive around town and finding a cool area on the Truckee River
• climbing out on a rock at said cool area that I wouldn't have climbed out on before my decision to be brave.
• kayaking...for the first time (I didn't cry but I will admit, I was close a few times)
• enjoying the beautiful weather...it was perfect.

homebody.

homebody - Noun., A person who enjoys the warmth 

and simple pleasures of being at home.

Yep. That's me. A homebody. I enjoy being at home. Especially when it's quiet. 

Sometimes it can be a challenge to make myself get out and do things. Because sometimes I'd just rather be home...being quiet...writing...puttering in the kitchen...soaking in solitude. 

I really don't think that I get lonely. I don't mind being alone. 

Some people don't like to be alone. I get that. But I'm not one of them.

There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. And I like alone time. I need it, really. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. It's just the way it is, just the way I am. 

I think I'm OK with being alone at times because most of the time I'm not. I'm at work all day with coworkers and students. Then I'm home in the evenings and on weekends with my family...(although that is getting to be less and less as the boys grow and mature and spread their wings. But honestly, I'm OK with that, too. It's what they're supposed to do.) 

I also make time to be with friends...going to lunch or meeting for coffee or running errands together. My days and hours are full much of the time. 

So when I have a chance for quiet and solitude...I soak it up. 

And I am grateful for it. 

the post in which I figure out why I have no motivation...

I wrote this last week and then chickened out about posting it. I mentioned it in passing in a recent post and said to myself, "If anyone mentions it, I will post it." Well, someone did...so here it is. 

My motivation is at ZERO. I made all these lists and I have yet to do anything on them. I'm doing the day to day stuff, of course. But other than that? Not much.

Is it because of the heat? Or because it's "that time of the month"? Am I a little depressed?

I'm thinking all of the above.

It took me a few days (and the act of writing this post...always interesting to see what comes out when I sit down to write) to realize that a little bit of depression has taken hold. Sometimes it sneaks up on me like that. In the past I would feel it coming and I would just brace myself and hope for the best. But as I've gotten better at recognizing it's impending arrival (and battling it off like a champ, I might add) it seems it has gotten a little sneakier.

So every now and then I realize that something just isn't right...and that's when it's time to recognize that depression has set in without warning. And rather than giving in to it I recognize it, and begin the process of getting through it.

After I recognize it, I tell someone about it, usually my husband. I have found that the simple act of saying, "I'm feeling a little depressed lately." instantly makes the depression lose its power over me. It's no longer a secret, and in my experience, that's where the depression held its power over me...in the secrecy, the shame and embarrassment. So now I call it out.

The next step is to take some time to think about what's causing it. Where did it come from? Did something specific happen? Is there something going on that I'm not dealing with?

It's also important during this time to be gentle with myself...move slow, get enough rest (but not too much, gotta get out of that bed!), stay calm. And put the to-do lists aside for now. I mean, stay productive, you don't want to sloth around. That definitely doesn't help the situation. But I don't put extra expectations on myself. Right now the main goal is to clear my head and to keep myself from slipping into the pit.

Have you heard of "the pit"? I spent way too much time in the pit, I'm sad to say. But then I read a book that changed how I handle depression... Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. Pretty sure I've recommended it before. But it's so good I will recommend it again. If you deal with depression I highly recommend it. It was without a doubt one of the most effective tools in helping me understand depression and helping me learn how to fight it effectively.

It doesn't mean that it doesn't still show up now and then...it does. But now I'm better equipped to fight it.
The good thing in all of this? Depression doesn't stay around as long as it once did. And I thank God for that...

(Did you notice I say "deal with" and not "suffer from" depression? VERY important...I deal with depression head on. I don't suffer from it...that would imply that I am a victim and I'm not. And neither are you.)

* * * * *

And...as with all posts I write about depression or anxiety I feel the need to include a disclaimer:

Sharing this stuff is scary. And makes me feel extremely vulnerable...especially when I share while IN it. But I believe that God has a plan...and that there is a reason for everything...including His allowing me to deal with depression and anxiety. And for me the reason is always to draw me closer to Him, it's "the thorn in my side", if you will. And also to share with others that it is possible to get through it without medication but rather with prayer and leaning into God. So because God has allowed this, and because He brings me through it every single time, it is my responsibility to share it with you. The battle. The struggle. The process. The deliverance. The healing. The victory. 

All that being said...there is no need to worry about me. Yes, I am battling depression today. But to be honest, I battle it every day, it seems that it is always lurking to some degree. It's just that some days are better or worse than others. That's all. And like always...I will get through it...God will make sure of it. 

Remember when I told you there were some changes a comin' and then I fell off the face of the earth? Well, I'm finally getting around to sharing now.

So a while back I wrote a quick blog post and mentioned I'd made a "big decision".

Then I let life take over and fell off the blogosphere for a bit...possibly leaving some of you hangin'.

Sorry about that.

So, this "big decision" may not seem BIG to some of you at all. But to others....you'll know just what I'm talking about.

A few weeks ago I turned 47. A few weeks before that I made steps toward conquering some fears. Then during our spring break I was faced with a situation that could have gone either way.

Ian and I had driven to Donner Lake to visit my aunt and uncle at their lake house. It was beautiful, as always. Cold. but clear and gorgeous. We decided to stay two nights, which was a great and glorious decision. You can't really get your "relax" on just staying one night.

We woke up on our last day there to beautiful, amazing, pure white snow. It was breathtaking. Not growing up in (or even near) snow, it was a gift. I loved it.

The forecast said it was going to stop around noon or so. So we thought we'd head home around then. But it wasn't showing signs of stopping at all. It just kept snowing. And snowing. But we really needed to start heading home.

After some self-talk I decided that I was going to drive home in the snow. Something I'd never done before. Something that, quite honestly, had me a little scared. But I talked to my uncle...a lot (Thanks, D, for the encouragement!) and after lots of tips and pointers about driving in the snow I put my big girl panties on and just decided to be brave. I made a deliberate decision and choice to NOT be afraid.

Was I still nervous? Well...hmmm...was I? Yeah...a little, I suppose. But not much. It was like once I decided to just dig in and "get 'er done" as they say, my confidence skyrocketed and I was ready to face the challenge that not even a day before could have had the power to cripple me in fear.

We packed up the car, threw a few snowballs, gave everyone hugs and kisses goodbye, got a few more last-minute pointers from Uncle D, and off we went.

Driving in the snow also meant using my 4-wheel drive...something I'd never done before. And I gotta say, I liked it. It was easier than I thought and gave me the control I needed to maneuver our car safely down the snowy highway. Like D. told me to, I drove as fast as the other cars, didn't get stuck behind big trucks and kept my cool.

Ian was a big help in keeping me calm, helping me keep an eye on the road (apparently I hug the right side of the lane) and other cars. He was cool as a cucumber, which led me to believe that I was doing an OK job. And my knuckles weren't even white.

So. You are probably saying, "Nice story, Michelle. But...uhhhh...what's this big decision you've been talking about?"

The big decision I made was this...I am no longer going to let fear stop me.

Will I face fearful situations? Yes. I will. But will they stop me from doing things? No. Not anymore.

And I'm not talking things like wrestling alligators. I'm talking about things that tons of people do all the time that I haven't been able to do because fear has stopped me. Things like hiking up something a little steeper than I'm comfortable with. Or paddling a kayak on my own. Or confidently climbing into a canoe. Or driving in snow.

No. Fear will no longer stop me. I have made the decision to face fear head on. I want to be brave. And do adventurous things. And you can't do that if you're a big scaredy cat.

So. No more. From here on out I am going to be brave...or, if need be, do it afraid.