Wednesday in the Word

I have no idea who to give credit for this beautiful image.
I wish I did as I would love to purchase it...

Trust in the Lord. OK? Jeez. Just do it. It's easy. What's the hold up?

Huh! I wish it was that easy. I mean, I do trust God. And I know He always has my best interest at heart. I know He does.

What gets in the way of me trusting Him without any hesitation is knowing that God's ways are not my ways. He might take longer to answer a prayer than I think I can bare. Or He might say no...or wait, not yet.

Unfortunately, I'm not patient. And I want what I want when I want it. (What a brat, eh? Like Veruca Salt. Blech.) No. I'm not proud of this trait. I'm just being honest. Patience is not one of my virtues. I'm getting better. But it's something I have to work at.

And I'm pretty sure I'm not alone...  :)

But the truth is...it should be simple because we can trust in the Lord. He is trustworthy...100%. He loves us and wants good things for us...just as we do for our own children. So when the answer is not now...or *gasp*...no...there's a good reason.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

    and lean not on your own understanding;

6 

in all your ways submit to him,

    and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

the post in which I figure out why I have no motivation...

I wrote this last week and then chickened out about posting it. I mentioned it in passing in a recent post and said to myself, "If anyone mentions it, I will post it." Well, someone did...so here it is. 

My motivation is at ZERO. I made all these lists and I have yet to do anything on them. I'm doing the day to day stuff, of course. But other than that? Not much.

Is it because of the heat? Or because it's "that time of the month"? Am I a little depressed?

I'm thinking all of the above.

It took me a few days (and the act of writing this post...always interesting to see what comes out when I sit down to write) to realize that a little bit of depression has taken hold. Sometimes it sneaks up on me like that. In the past I would feel it coming and I would just brace myself and hope for the best. But as I've gotten better at recognizing it's impending arrival (and battling it off like a champ, I might add) it seems it has gotten a little sneakier.

So every now and then I realize that something just isn't right...and that's when it's time to recognize that depression has set in without warning. And rather than giving in to it I recognize it, and begin the process of getting through it.

After I recognize it, I tell someone about it, usually my husband. I have found that the simple act of saying, "I'm feeling a little depressed lately." instantly makes the depression lose its power over me. It's no longer a secret, and in my experience, that's where the depression held its power over me...in the secrecy, the shame and embarrassment. So now I call it out.

The next step is to take some time to think about what's causing it. Where did it come from? Did something specific happen? Is there something going on that I'm not dealing with?

It's also important during this time to be gentle with myself...move slow, get enough rest (but not too much, gotta get out of that bed!), stay calm. And put the to-do lists aside for now. I mean, stay productive, you don't want to sloth around. That definitely doesn't help the situation. But I don't put extra expectations on myself. Right now the main goal is to clear my head and to keep myself from slipping into the pit.

Have you heard of "the pit"? I spent way too much time in the pit, I'm sad to say. But then I read a book that changed how I handle depression... Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. Pretty sure I've recommended it before. But it's so good I will recommend it again. If you deal with depression I highly recommend it. It was without a doubt one of the most effective tools in helping me understand depression and helping me learn how to fight it effectively.

It doesn't mean that it doesn't still show up now and then...it does. But now I'm better equipped to fight it.
The good thing in all of this? Depression doesn't stay around as long as it once did. And I thank God for that...

(Did you notice I say "deal with" and not "suffer from" depression? VERY important...I deal with depression head on. I don't suffer from it...that would imply that I am a victim and I'm not. And neither are you.)

* * * * *

And...as with all posts I write about depression or anxiety I feel the need to include a disclaimer:

Sharing this stuff is scary. And makes me feel extremely vulnerable...especially when I share while IN it. But I believe that God has a plan...and that there is a reason for everything...including His allowing me to deal with depression and anxiety. And for me the reason is always to draw me closer to Him, it's "the thorn in my side", if you will. And also to share with others that it is possible to get through it without medication but rather with prayer and leaning into God. So because God has allowed this, and because He brings me through it every single time, it is my responsibility to share it with you. The battle. The struggle. The process. The deliverance. The healing. The victory. 

All that being said...there is no need to worry about me. Yes, I am battling depression today. But to be honest, I battle it every day, it seems that it is always lurking to some degree. It's just that some days are better or worse than others. That's all. And like always...I will get through it...God will make sure of it. 

through.



hydrangea and azalea...soon to be a part of our backyard border.

God and I are working on things. My mind is consumed with this process. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it. But...that's not how God does things. He doesn't allow us to go around things...or under...or over. He has us go through things. Going through things is the only way we can learn...and strengthen...and grow. And the best part? He walks through right along with us...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God.

Isaiah 43:1-3

 

At times it feels as if we're wrestling this whole thing out, me and God...like He did with Jacob. (Genesis 32 if you want to read it.) Jacob was wrestling for a blessing...I'm wrestling for a different reason. And it's not the right reason. I need to think more like Jacob...I need to fight for that blessing...not to hang onto things I do not need in my life. I'm afraid If I don't get a grip on this situation...and lay this all down at His feet...He just might let me have my way. He just might let me hold onto it all.

I don't want to hold onto it all.

So I'm going through it. And He's going through it with me. We might stop to wrestle a bit here and there. I might come out with a limp. But we're going through it...me and God...together.

Your path led through the sea,

your way through the mighty waters,

though your footprints were not seen.

Psalm 77:19

 

Maybe it doesn't feel like He's there.

Maybe I can't see His footprints.

Maybe I can't see Him, or hear Him, or feel Him, sometimes.

But I know He's there. 

I know He is.

Always.

 

Thank you, God. Thank you for never leaving me, nor forsaking me.

Thank you for preparing my path...for keeping me from drowning.

Thank you for loving me...and getting me through.

I wouldn't want to do it without You.

keep your eye on the prize.

I wrote this post almost two years ago...and never hit "Publish".

And for the record...we still haven't found a new home church.

Nor have we tried very hard. 

I've got a lot of work to do...internal work, heart work, soul work. I've allowed myself to get to a place that I don't like very much. I was telling myself that I didn't mind being where I was at. But that's not true. That was an excuse. I don't like where I'm at...or how I'm thinking...or how I'm feeling. Or how I'm acting for that matter.

We haven't been to church in about 2 months. That's a long time for a family who rarely missed a Sunday for over 10 years. We are a church-going family. We go to church...we pray before meals...we tithe...we serve and do bible studies and play instruments on worship teams.

But for the last 2 months...nothing.

It's not for lack of wanting to...but circumstances. Things happened. People happened. Humanity happened. And suddenly...we found ourselves without a home church. It was a weird feeling.

We visited a church we thought we'd like to attend...but on both visits not one person said one word to us. Not a hello...not a get out of here...nothing. Weird.

We took that as a cue from God that it's not where He wanted us. And that was fine.

Instead of continuing to look for a new church home, we decided to take some time to get our house in order...specifically the backyard. And it's been good to have the time to do this. For the past 10 years every weekend has been full of church or baseball or wrestling or something other than taking care of things around here. Now our weekends are full of making our backyard habitable. It's been really good.

But eventually we need to get back into church.

The thing about church is that people are at church. And people are...people. Imperfect people. Messed up people...as Joyce Meyer literally just said on TV, "Hurting people hurt people." True dat. It's not an excuse...just a truth.

And I will say...I got hurt. Pretty bad. That's the thing I've been trapped by for the past...oh, year or so. Hurt. I like to fancy myself more Godly...above being hurt...above being trapped by self-pity...ha. Like everyone else...I'm part of that whole "people" thing. I am imperfect. And I'm sure I hurt people, too...not on purpose. Not anymore, anyway.

No excuse.

There comes a time when we know better. And when we know better...we are expected to do better.

To whom much is given...much is required. 

Can I just say...through all those years of hurt and confusion I learned a very valuable lesson. One morning I was praying...and I asked God why I was being treated in such a way by this person that I trusted.

"Why are you allowing this, Lord?"

And just like God always does...He answered quietly and simply and directly...

"Now you know how NOT to treat people."

Simple. And so HUGE. God allowed it so that I would learn from it. And so that I would never treat people the way that I was treated. And I pray...earnestly...that I NEVER inflict that hurt and that confusion and that pain on anyone else. If I fail...I pray for forgiveness. I ask the person I've hurt for their forgiveness...and I mean it. No sense in giving fake apologies...or empty forgiveness. Don't bother. Do it for them...not just to make yourself feel better.

No. I mean it. I don't want to hurt others. I want to encourage others. I want to build others up. I want to be a part of their success...not their stumbling. That is my desire...Lord I pray I do what my heart desires to do. I pray I am goodness and light to others...not a stumbling block...or a cork...or a hindrance. And if I am...SHOW ME so that I can STOP.

Yes...I've got some work to do. I need to get out of this rut. I need to get my focus back...keep my eye on the prize...and that prize is living my life for God. The prize is powering through my days here on Earth...being light in the darkness...so that one day, when I'm in heaven, I will see what it was all  about...what it was all for...Jesus.

Jesus is the prize. He is the way...and the truth...and the life. Keep my eye on the prize...on Jesus...and my paths will be straight, my feet will not stumble, I will not grow weary, I will not faint...I will not be burned, I will not drown...keep my eye on The Prize.

Jesus. He is the prize.

And if I can just keep my eye on HIM, nothing else will matter. No hurt. No anger. Nothing.

If I keep my eyes on Jesus...my Prize above all prizes...all other things will fall into place.

progress.

The beans are sprouting.

The lettuce is sprouting.

A sunflower is coming up. As are some cantaloupes.

Snap peas are growing and climbing...I love tendrils.

Tomatoes and peppers and squash are growing and blooming.

We installed the border for the lawn this weekend.

Now all we need is the sod and we're good to go.

This is incredibly exciting.

* * * * * * * *

I worked Friday night. I was going about my business of tidying shelves preparing for closing time when I stopped to answer a few questions for a nice couple shopping for some DVDs. It ended up, after a bit of conversation, that they asked if they could pray for me. I usually pray for customers. They don't pray for me.

But I said yes.

They prayed.

And God spoke to me so clearly...so very clearly. A sweet, loving whisper...

"It's time to forgive."

I have been holding on to some pain...to some wounds...to betrayals by someone I thought I could trust.

It's time to let them go.

I knew the hurts were there. But I didn't know I was allowing them so much power in my life.

I didn't know they were like a cork, stopping me in my tracks...paralyzing me...preventing me from moving forward...preventing me from being effective...preventing me from becoming the woman God created me to be. Preventing me from truly living and accomplishing my dreams.

There is progress in my life...on the outside.

Now I need to allow some progress on the inside.

It's time to let it go.

It's time to forgive.

This is not going to be easy.

I am really struggling with it.

But why would I hang onto something so ugly?

I don't need it. It's not doing me any good. At all.

My mind says to forgive but my heart still has a death grip on the hurt. A death grip...exactly. It's death to me. Hanging on to this crap is killing me. It's killing my soul...my life...my future.

It's time to forgive.

But maybe I'm not ready.

Maybe I don't want to..?

Rebellion.

But I have to.

Obedience.

Forgiveness.

It's for me. Not for you.

It's time to live..on purpose...forgive...and move on.

I have to do it because my love for

God is bigger than the pain.

It's time to let go.

It's time to forgive.

A word...or two.

When I returned from Belgium I had a realization that I had just done something...or several things, actually...that I never imagined I'd do. I flew across an ocean. I went to a foreign country. I spoke in a public setting. The crazy part of all of that? I am afraid to fly. Especially over an ocean thankyouverymuch. I never really had a desire to go to a foreign country...especially without my husband to keep me safe. And speaking in front of people? You may as well just put bamboo under my nails...pure torture.

Well...isn't it amazing what we can do when, #1 God is in control and, #2 we are willing to follow His lead. I give God the utmost credit in helping me to build up the courage to go through with it all. But I also give myself a teensy bit of credit for being obedient to Him. I could have said no. I could have pretended I didn't hear Him whisper. I could have just allowed my fears to rule and not done any of it. But I didn't. I listened. I obeyed. And I trusted. I would say in this case, God and I made a good team. Trusting Him is never a let-down. Ever.

When I returned from Belgium and got unpacked and got settled back into my routines here at home, I realized that I had just done something that, for me, required something I never had...bravery. I am not, nor have I ever been, a brave person. On the contrary, I've always been somewhat of a scaredy cat. But suddenly I realized that had changed. And right then and there I thought to myself, "I think the theme for this year is BRAVE."

I didn't really think anymore about it. I've pretty much just been living life...taking care of my family...waiting patiently to see what's next on the horizon. It's been quiet...and slow...and calm. And I have to say, I've been liking it.

But then the New Year was just around the corner...and I had the thought to write down my goals, for the new year as well as for life in general. If it was an idea in my head...a desire...something I'd like to try or make or bake or accomplish...it was written down on The List. And in the process of writing this List I had a another realization...and it was just one word...and that word was DO. It's not pretty. It's not poetic. It won't look cute written on my body somewhere in Sharpie. But it will help me to get some things accomplished in my life.

So for 2011 I am going to be BRAVE and I am going to DO things rather than reading about others doing them.

In 2011 I am going to DO BRAVE. And I'm pretty excited about it!

Wednesday in the Word

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

As you trust in Him. As you trust in Him. As you TRUST in Him. Are you getting that? Maybe I should say it again...as you TRUST in Him.

God is trustworthy. He can be trusted. He knows what is best for us...even if we don't agree with Him. He knows what we need and He knows the best way to get us to that point. We might not always agree with His tactics...but if we're honest, when we look back on tough situations that God has brought us through, we know that His way was the best way.

So as you trust in Him, He will fill you with joy and peace. Oh...wait a minute. That's not what it says. It says He will fill you with ALL joy and peace. Not just joy and peace but ALL joy and peace. And who doesn't want that? Who doesn't want joy and peace...and all of it, to boot?! Well...actually...I can think of some people who might not want it. There was a time that I didn't want it. I was comfortable in my selfish little world throwing pity parties on a daily basis wondering why everyone else was so hard to deal with. Because, didn't everyone get the memo? It is all about me. It's about my mood and my feelings and my emotional health. It's about my troubles and my desires and my struggles.

It's all about me.

Or at least that's how I acted. And it's how I treated others. But it wasn't what was wrong with everyone else. What was the common denominator? ME. So the truth is, it's not all about me. Or you for that matter. It's all about Jesus. And it's all about Love. It's all about receiving the joy and peace of Christ so that we can pass it on to others. But how can we do that when all we can see is ourselves?

Hmmm.This isn't the direction I was planning on going with today's Wednesday in the Word. I wanted to talk about trust and all that God has done for me in this last year. But this is what came to the surface, so I'm going to leave it. Because I think God had a different message planned for today. I'll share my lesson in trust with you tomorrow.

And may you allow the God of hope to fill you with ALL joy and peace...

Wednesday in the Word.

Isaiah 40:31

31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

Still a bit faint. I need my strength to be renewed. Still waiting patiently on the Lord...and continuing to move forward, in the meantime.

I don't write my thoughts so you worry. I write them to share...to be open and honest...to say that life is hard sometimes...and walking the walk isn't always easy. I share my thoughts as a prayer request...and to let others know they're not alone in case they're feeling the same way. I am a pretty open person. And if things aren't rosy...I don't pretend they are. Some may say pessimistic. I say realistic. Because if things are good...I'll say that, too.

Even still...my hope is in the Lord. And I know that He WILL renew my strength...in His time.

scattered. and a revelation. and a poem.

Is there a limit as to how many times you can use the same blog post title? Is there a rule? Or a guideline? Would I be breaking good blogging etiquette if I use the same title more than once? More than twice? Once a week? Daily?

And honestly...I don't know if I've ever used the word "scattered" for a post title. Have I? I can't remember. That's just how scattered I am! Maybe I just need to make it a label....

And I'm just realizing that scattered is one of those words that if you say it over and over and over...or think it or type it in this case...it begins to sound weird. Scattered...yes. That's me.

The picture above is of little vases that my boys made in 1st grade. They both had the same teacher. And they both did the same project...three years apart,of course. Seth made the tall, skinny one...a mini wine bottle. His teacher drank, apparently, because she was able to bring in enough of these bottles for the whole class. That certainly explains some things. Ahem.

Anyway...Ian made the shorter one. And I love them. Seriously. LOVE them. The boys, yes. But the vases, too. I will have them forever. And display them proudly.

The vases have nothing to do with whatever the heck I'm talking about today. I just love them. And I liked the photo. And since it makes me happy to look at them I thought it would be fitting to have a picture of goodness when talking about I don't even KNOW what!

So seeing as how this post is taking a nose-dive, I'm thinking bullet-points are in order. I just have too much on my mind today to make any sort of sense. I am in dire need of a list...lists help me sort things out. So here goes...

TO-DO TODAY:

• Call Chapman University. I need to meet with the counselor again to figure out what the heck I'm going to major in. When the heck I'm going to start. And how the heck I'm going to PAY for it!
• Laundry. It taunts me. It mocks me. It must be dealt with....harshly.

TO DO AT SOME POINT THIS WEEK:

• Menu plan. I am inspired by my sweet friend, Nancy. Lately she's been sharing her menus and they sound so good and healthy...not to mention pretty simple and straight forward. My kind of meals! This is something I need to really zero in on. In less than a week, more than likely, I will be a college student. My boys will be busy with baseball practices and games (and school and homework!). And Chris will be coaching Ian's team. We will be one busy family. And we need to eat. We need to eat GOOD food....not fast food. So...I better get busy figuring out some good, healthy meals. Some quick...and some slow. Any recommendations for good, healthy crock pot meals? I'm all ears!
• Bible study. My friend Janetta (Hi Janetta!) is going to be hosting a bible study in her home on Tuesday mornings titled Organic God. I'm really looking forward to this...and at the same time, wondering who the heck I think I am adding this to a schedule that is about to BURST! I'll have to pray about this one...not sure how much I'm capable of.
• Clean. Dust and vacuum. And the kitchen needs a good deep-cleaning.

THINGS I NEED TO DO THAT ARE CLUTTERING MY MIND: These things need to be done at some point...but not right away. But they are there, nonetheless, cluttering up everything else! So I'm going to write them down...get them out of my head...and see if things don't clear up a bit. Obviously, it's not just the weather that's foggy around here.

• Plan the garden. This needs to be done. And probably sorta soon if I want to order seeds. But FIRST I need to go through some seeds that my sweet friend Carolyn sent to me last year. I'll bet there's plenty of seeds to give me a great start...if not a complete garden!
• Wake up earlier. I have not been getting up before everyone else for my quiet time. And I can feel it. It's why I'm so scattered. And disorganized. And frazzled. It's why I can't keep things straight. It's why I'm not sure what to do and where to start. So really...this one, "wake up earlier", needs to be FIRST on the list. If I wake up earlier and spend time with God praying and reading His word...all of these other things would fall into place much neater. And I would be much less scattered. (I'm hearing you, God...loud and clear.)

Interesting how just when I think I'm working things out...and getting things done...God steps in and reminds me what's really going on. Interesting how I think I'm writing a blog post...but really, God is using it to show me where I'm at spiritually, which leads to where I'm at emotionally. This list that I'm making is MY list. But have I stopped to ask if it's His list?

I tell you, this is my life story. The horse before the cart, if you will. I do it all the time. I am one of those that climbs up on the high dive and just runs to the end and leaps...and then realizes on my way down that I forgot to check and see if there's any water at the bottom to catch me!

So. After all of that....I think what I need to do is go open up my bible. And close my eyes. And ask God to start me off in the direction I need to go. I need to ask God to help me line out my bullet-points. What does HE want me to do first? Second? If at all?

Thanks for listening. You were just witness to how God and I work together. I do it my way. He sits and lets me. Then he taps me on the shoulder and politely asks me to "wait up". Then He points out that I'm still as scattered as when I started. And He's right. Always.

Sooo...I'm going to go have my long overdue quiet time. I'll let you know what I find out.

Until then...if you're even still here and haven't deleted any links that might have you end up here on this crazy, dangerous, convoluted, ridiculous blog of mine ever again...here's a poem that was given to me at my first women's retreat. It still smacks me upside the head to this day.

Oh...and God? Thank you.

No Time To Pray

I got up early one morning and rushed right into the day;
I had so much to accomplish that I didn't have time to pray.
Problems just tumbled about me,
and heavier came each task,
"Why doesn't God help me?" I wondered.
He answered, "You didn't ask."
I wanted to see joy and beauty,
but the day toiled on gray and bleak;
I wondered why God didn't show me;
He said, "But you didn't seek."
I tried to come into God's presence;
I used all my keys at the lock;
God gently and lovingly chided,
"My child you didn't knock."
I woke up early this morning,
and paused before entering the day;
I had so much to accomplish that I had to take time to pray.

by Grace L. Naessens

I'm ready.

It's New Year's Eve. The end of 2009...hours away from 2010.

And I am ready.

I have never really been one to make resolutions. And I'm still not. But I do want to set some goals for myself. Some small. Some big. Some that will be hard. And some that will be....harder. But I'm ready.

I am more excited for this New Year to come than I have ever been about a new year...ever. Partly, yes, because last year sucked! But also because I just have this excitement. This expectancy. This knowing that the coming year is going to good. I believe that God is going to do amazing things in 2010. Not that He doesn't always do amazing things. But I just really believe that 2010 is going to be mind-blowing. And I cannot WAIT to see what's in store! And I am SO ready.

"I'm ready". This is something I've been hearing in my heart during my quiet time...or sometimes during worship at church. I hear it deep inside my heart..."I'm ready". It's a quiet whisper from my heart to God's...letting Him know that "I'm ready". I whisper it before I even really know what I'm whispering. Ready for what? I have no idea. Or maybe I do have a little idea but no idea how to put it into words yet. It's all still little thoughts and snippets and flashes in my mind. He'll iron it out for me...in His time. And...I'm ready when He is.

Ultimately, my bottom line is, "Your will be done." I want to do what God wants me to do. I want to be in His will. So I pray that my goals are His goals. I pray that as I type them out, they are what He has prompted me to do. I pray that He has given me the desires of my heart and that I have heard Him clearly during quiet time and prayer time...and that I am on the same page as He is.

I pray that as I go through this next year...carefully taking the steps He places before me...that I am in His will and living out His plan for me. He had a plan for me even before I was placed on this earth. And I want all He has for me. And I want it to start in 2010. Because...I'm ready.

So...the goals. Right.

• Return to school and complete my bachelor's degree. This will take longer than a year. But that's OK. This one is long-term. And guess what? I'm ready.
• Get organized. There are aspects of my life that are very organized. Like my kitchen. I know where everything is. But I need help in the organizing of my life category. So I bought a day planner...that I will actually use...to keep appointments and classes and such. But also to write down things like "mop floors", "pay PG&E", "cable due", "change oil"...that kind of stuff that I let slip. No more.
• Stop piling. I pile, pile, pile. Paper piles. Book piles. Magazine piles. Piles here at the house. Piles at the office. Piles, everywhere! This goal goes along with getting organized. I need to organize my mail process...which includes a "bill paying center". I am better at tossing junk mail immediately. But I still have those little piles that I keep to "look at later". Then next thing I know, it's a pile! And I haven't looked at a single one! How long do I need to hang on to expired coupons, I ask you? The piles of books might be a bit more of a challenge because I am really taking advantage of my public library. But maybe I can find a basket or something to keep them contained at least!
• Create a budget. Whew. That was a hard one to type! Do you know that I have never had a budget? Ever? I'm 42. I think it's time. This new day planner I purchased has a page at the beginning of each month that is the "budget page". I took it as a sign. Even though I wanted the day planner with the pockets on the inside of the covers...I opted for the planner with the budget page. I'm thinkin' that was a God thing! Because I really wanted those dang pockets! (Maybe I'll make some out of cute stock weight scrapbook papers...)
• Focus on what I CAN do and learn to do it WELL. I need to do what I can and stop wishing I could do something else. Because when I do this, NONE of it gets done. This is a new revelation. An example would be me, browsing Etsy, admiring all of the beautiful knit items and wishing that I could knit. Well, you know what? I can't. But I CAN crochet. So why not work at getting really good at crochet rather than coveting the skills to knit? You know? Rather than wishing I could draw and trying really hard to do it and frustrating myself to the hilt because what I see in my mind and what I see on the page are NOT THE SAME...how about focusing on something I CAN do, like photography. Why not really hone my skills with my camera? Why not really learn about my camera and what it can do? Focus on what I CAN do. Stop wishing I could do something else. Stop starting new hobbies and doing them halfway. I have this problem of wanting to do it all. And really thinking that I CAN do it all! And I CAN do a lot of things. But can I do them really well? No. So why be a jack-of-all-trades and spend time wishing life away? Instead, I want to focus on things I CAN do and get better at them. Those things? Photography, writing, crochet, gardening and preserving.

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So there they are. The goals. The things I want to do. The things I believe God has placed inside of me to accomplish and/or start in the coming year. There are other things that I would like to do. But I don't know that it's what God would have me do. So I will start with what I believe He spoke to me...and if any of the other little things happen as a by-product then I'll just be grateful for the perks. I've learned that it's a lot easier to walk in the will of God than to walk in my own will. His blessing makes all the difference.

So, Lord...thank you for 2009. And bring on 2010. I'm ready when You are.

Wednesday in the Word: Ecclesiastes 3:10-12

Ecclesiastes 3:10-12

10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.

A new year is coming. 2010 is mere days away. And I have to say, I am so ready for a new beginning. SO ready.

2009 was tough. The toughest yet. And I'm ready for it to be over. But I am not leaving it behind completely. There is so much of it that I am taking into the New Year with me.

During this past year...and much of 2008, as well...I have learned so much. I didn't know it when I was in it, but God was using our situation, the many trials, to teach me so many lessons I don't know if I can list them all.

God used the trials to strengthen me. To strengthen our marriage. To strengthen my faith. And my husband's faith.

God used our situation to teach us about good stewardship. And tithing.

God allowed us to go through the fires and the rushing rivers to teach us how to persevere. How to fight the good fight. How to believe His Word when it made no sense.

God used this trying time to show us that He loves us...and provides for us...and cares for us...and wants more for us.

God used this last year...the many trials...to teach me to stand firm. He taught me to not let my circumstances define who I am...or how I think. He taught me to stay focused on Him...and that when I do, He is all that matters. And He is always there. And that when I focus on Him, the trials are behind me. And HE is the one who is fighting them. For me...on my behalf. "Cast your cares" He says...so that's what I tried to do.

I didn't always succeed. I had bad days. Really bad days. There were tears. And fear. And desperation. There were arguments. And hopelessness. And downright anger and frustration. There were days when I didn't want to leave the house. And some when I just didn't. I couldn't deal. And all the while, God was there. Right there. Whispering sweet nothings to me. Calming me. Reminding me of His promises. Providing for our needs. And even some of our wants.

God showed me that He had us in the palm of His hand the whole time. In the tough times...and in the good. He always has a hold of me...of us...of you. He never lets go. Even when sometimes we wish He just would. But He won't. Ever. And no matter how deep we may fall into that pit of hopelessness...of desperation...of darkness...He will always come in after us. And lift us out into the Light.

Yes, 2009 was tough. And I will admit, I don't want to repeat it! But I will always be thankful for it. And thankful that God loved me enough to walk me through it.

Thank you, God, for this amazing past year. Thank you for showing me Your glory. And Your provision. And Your love. You are so good.

Wednesday in the Word

Psalm 4:5

Offer right sacrifices

and trust in the LORD.

It has been brought to my attention, during my prayer time, that I don't trust God. A couple of weeks ago, during worship and prayer time at a conference I attended, I heard God whisper quietly yet very matter of factly "You don't trust Me."

Because of this, and because I want to trust God with all my heart, soul and mind, I am going to focus on trust in my studies...in my quiet time...in my prayers. I am going to attempt to memorize scripture about trust. I am going to focus solely on trust until it is engraved in my heart...in my soul...in my mind.

When I first heard that gentle whisper, "You don't trust Me." I immediately began to cry. It hurt. It ripped my heart in two. And I argued for a minute. "Yes I do! I've always trusted You!" But...I knew. I knew the reason it hurt so much was because, really...it was true. I didn't trust Him. Not with everything. I trusted Him with the easy stuff...the "givens"...but not the big things. Not the true things. Not with everything. And even those things I did trust Him with? I trusted Him conditionally. It was a conditional trust...always having my guard up in case the outcome wasn't what I wanted or thought was best.

So...I'm on a new journey. The journey to learn to trust with my whole heart. To trust God with everything. It's a little scary...a LOT scary. But He is worthy...He is trustworthy...He is always good, always right, always on time and always looking out for my best interest. Today, my "right sacrifice" is my heart. A "right sacrifice" is something valuable...your best. God doesn't want our petty little leftovers. He wants the first fruits...the best. That's why He asks us for the first 10% in our tithes. He says, "TRUST me in this." I heard someone say, "I'd rather have God's 90% rather than my 100% anytime." And it's so true. God is amazing...He is a miracle worker. And He provides.

Sadly, the heart I am offering Him is not my best. But with His help, it will be a little bit closer each day as I practice trusting in Him.