That was Fast...get it?

{earl grey with milk and the best honey I've ever tasted...thank you beegirl.}

Well, it's been a week. And the Fast is over. I can't believe it's been a week already! I went a whole week with no caffeine. No coffee. No diet soda. No sugar. No bread. I survived on quesadillas and soup and salad and avocados. Not a bad way to fast, I'll have to admit. I wasn't starving, that's for sure. Yeah...it would have been nice to have some toast with peanut butter and honey. Or a bagel and cream cheese. Both are very quick to whip up...which is nice when you are hungry. It would have been really nice to have some sourdough with that spinach dip I served for yesterday's football food. But...I didn't. Instead I had some whole grain pita chips. And it was fine.

So...I'm not real sure what to think at this point. I'm not sure...yet...that this fast was as spiritual as I thought it was supposed to be. I was expecting more spiritual enlightenment. And maybe...if I weren't so hyper-focused on soda...it might have been? I know that it was enlightening in that I didn't realize I was dependent on soda. I know that I used to be. But I thought I was over it. I thought I had a handle on the soda consumption. And...in comparison to how I used to be, I do have a handle on it. But, it's also got a handle on me. So I need to be aware.

A friend of mine fasted at the beginning of the year. She did the Daniel Fast to a tee. And she said she asked God the whole time for a word...for truth...for an awakening. And all three weeks...nothing. But then the following weekend, as she was out on her run, God just poured into her new and amazing things. So...I'm not losing hope. It's not too late. It's NEVER too late.

But. Today. Today the fast is over. And yes, I am enjoying a cup of coffee. A cup and a half actually. And it's good. But I'm not as relieved as I thought I would be to have it. Which is good. I am glad that I won't get a headache at around 11am though...I won't miss that. I plan on having a diet soda with lunch today. I wonder if it will taste so delicious...or if it will taste like chemicals? I'll let you know...

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So what's going on today? I'm headed to the shop...and to lunch with my hubby. I'll do some paperwork and pay some bills...get some tax stuff ready. Then head home this afternoon...to do nothing this evening except make some dinner and read my homework text.

This week will be a bit busy...school tomorrow night. A meeting Wednesday night. Bible study Thursday night. Oh...and subbing at one of the local elementary schools on Thursday in their front office. I've subbed there once before and it was a great experience. The people are really nice. It's a nice way to spend a day while making about a hundred dollars. It would be nice if I could sub once a week or so while going to school...just for some grocery money.

And...I'm a little bummed about the Super Bowl. I wanted the Colts to win. I have liked the Colts since Tony Dungy was coach. And I like Peyton Manning. I'm not a big football kind of gal. But...I don't mind it. It's comforting to have it on in the background. I guess because my dad always watched football when I was growing up. So there's something about that sound that let's me know I'm safe. That all is well.

Time to start the day...xo

Smile...it's Friday!

Friday is my favorite day of the week. Love it. Especially the Friday night part. The end of a busy week...the hope of a long weekend...maybe pizza and a movie or two. Friday...the best day.

{Taken in the reflection of the old church window last week...say cheese!}

It's raining. And I think its supposed to rain all weekend. Tomorrow at least. Not sure about Sunday...but a rainy Saturday with nothing to do makes me happy. It means I can putter around the house. One of my favorite things to do.

I didn't end up going to the office yesterday. Chris ended up heading out of town on a job so I just ran my errands and then visited a friend. That means I have to do all of my business stuff today. And that means a full day at the office.

I have to say, I feel really blessed to be able to work with my husband. Being together and running the business together...working together...and yes, fighting at times...has been really good for our marriage. And when I think about being able to see him during the day....talk to him whenever I want...eat lunch together...I realize that I am really fortunate to be able to see my husband so much. Not every wife gets to. Not every wife wants to. But I like it. I like his company. And I'm pretty sure he likes mine!

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Day 4:

Breakfast: Quesadilla on whole wheat tortilla with refried beans and a sprinkling of cheese. Ice water.

Lunch: Potatoes sauteed in olive oil and a bit of butter and a small salad. Ice water.

Snack: a cup of tea and a small bowl of potato salad at my friend's house.

Dinner: Whole wheat pasta with pesto and olive oil and a salad. Ice water.

Snack: a clementine.

Thoughts: Okay...so Day 4 was better. I missed my diet Coke...but I didn't cry about it. (I don't think I cried about the diet Coke...I cried at the frustration that I needed it...a real eye opener.) I call that progress. Being on this fast has made me think a little harder about what I actually put in my mouth. From the frozen chocolate chip I pop in my mouth without a second thought to licking the peanut butter and jelly off of the knife while preparing Ian's lunch. No... I don't think these things are bad. All things in moderation, right? I'm just saying I am aware...which is a good thing. They say you're not supposed to do a fast to lose weight. And I totally agree. But I'm just wondering if my awareness...and some of the new menu ideas I've learned...might lead to a bit of weight loss as a by-product? Because during this fast I've eaten more salad...and so has Chris by default. I've eaten whole wheat tortillas and pasta...and liked it. I've cut meat out of my diet...which is fine. I'm not a big meat eater anyway. But I do like it. And I have no thoughts of becoming a vegetarian. None at all. Again, all things in moderation. I have cut out most dairy...and I am missing it. I love milk. I love cheese. Again, in moderation. But it is a healthy part of my diet. As far as bread? I won't say that I miss bread, per se. But I miss the convenience of it. A quick piece of toast with peanut butter...an English muffin with butter...a mini bagel with cream cheese...very convenient. And quick. I do miss that.

All in all, Day 4 was much easier. I still wanted a diet Coke. And last night I did tell Chris, "Babe, on Monday, you are taking me out to lunch!" I don't usually demand things...but hey...lack of caffeine does that to a girl. So we're going to go to Murillo's...one of our favorite Mexican food places. We're going to get our favorite lunch specials...and a big, fat, diet Coke! So bad...I know. But I can't help it!

Where did the week go?

I can't believe it's Thursday! Since starting school I feel like my week goes from Tuesday to Tuesday. I wonder what I'm going to do when I start taking TWO classes!? Yikes.

I haven't been to the office yet this week so today is the day. I've got to do banking, bookkeeping, lunch...and then a few errands. Like a stop at the store. We're out of toilet paper! How long has it's been since you've run out of toilet paper? I never run out of toilet paper!

It's gray and dreary out...perfect weather in my opinion. And it's supposed to rain this weekend...which really makes me happy. I can't wait. Not sure what's going on for the weekend...other than my nephew spending the night and a football game on Sunday. Other than that...I'm thinking we've got nothing going on. How nice is that?

Hmmm...why do I feel like I'm forgetting something? I'll have to think about that.

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Fasting - Day 3:

Breakfast: Quesadilla on whole wheat tortilla with refried beans and a sprinkling of cheese, applesauce with cinnamon, juice.

Lunch: Quesadilla on whole wheat tortilla with refried beans and a sprinkling of cheese, salad, ice water and a clementine.

Snack: dried fruit and nuts.

Dinner: Quesadilla on whole wheat tortilla with sauteed mushrooms, onions, red pepper and spinach with a sprinkling of cheese, ice water.

Snack: a clementine.

Thoughts: I'm feeling better today. I started feeling more myself yesterday about halfway through my shift at the book store. My friend/boss always makes a bank run in the afternoon...and she always brings us coffee from S-buck's. But...yesterday...I declined the offer. She looked at me like I was crazy...but didn't question. Later, we were talking about something else, and fasting came up so I told her. She said, "Why didn't you TELL me? I'd have gone to Jamba Juice instead!" Isn't she sweet? She is so nice...and so cool. We have a lot of fun working together.

So...today is Day 4 and I am feeling better. I still really want a diet Coke...but I'm not weepy about it. Thank goodness...! I felt like such a wimp! I was really trying to prepare to have good healthy food for this...and I gathered up a lot of variety...but I'm finding myself eating the same things. As you can see from yesterday's menu! Quesadillas...all day. But they were good. And they were healthy. And they were filling. So...I had one for breakfast today, too!

I am making some modifications to the diet because I believe that the main thing I'm supposed to be fasting from is caffeine...mainly the soda. So I'm still eating healthy. And I'm not eating sweets. I'm adding in small amounts of dairy. And it's OK. This is obviously not a strict Daniel Fast. But I am using it as a guideline. And before I add anything I pray and I ask God if it's OK. And He is quick to answer. So as long as I am obedient...and don't drink soda...it's all good!

Wednesday in the Word.

Psalm 139:23

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

You may have noticed that I share a lot of scripture relating to anxiety. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure I've shared Psalm 139 with you before...at least once! Anxiety is something I deal with on an almost daily basis. It came on full force about 9 years ago. I woke up one Monday morning unable to stand up straight because my back hurt so badly. I called in sick to work...I was an aide in a special ed classroom at the time. I stayed home...took it easy...and hoped I'd be better by the next day. Well, I woke up Tuesday and I still couldn't stand up straight. So I called in sick again. And I stayed home. I don't know why...or what happened...but that night, I just sort of lost it. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't breathe right. And all I could hear was ringing in my ears. I didn't know it at the time...but I later learned I was having a full-blown anxiety attack.

I ended up calling in sick for the rest of the week. I could barely function. I was so terrified to leave the house. It took everything I had to get Seth to school each day. Finally, on Friday, I couldn't' take it anymore. And I ended up in the office of our women's pastor. I walked into the church office...immediately began to cry (something I'd been doing ALL WEEK)...and fell into her office.

After talking and crying..a lot...she gave me one of the most useful spiritual tools I've ever been given. She explained to me that anxiety was an attack of the enemy on my mind...on my thoughts. And that when these thoughts started to enter my mind I needed to say six simple words..."In Jesus' name, I rebuke you." She explained to me that anything I ask of God, in the name of Jesus, shall be done. So when I rebuked the enemy...in the name of Jesus...he had to flee. HAD to. And the amazing part? He did. Immediately.

At the beginning of my learning to deal with anxiety, he would return shortly thereafter...hoping I'd forgotten how to use my spiritual tool. But as time went on...and I had more and more faith in God and His perfect care of me...my rebukes became more effective.

I still deal with anxiety...almost every day. Sometimes it's just a little nervous flutter in my gut. Sometimes it's a little stronger and I am shaky and unable to get full, deep breaths. Sometimes I'm nervous about a certain situation. And sometimes an attack comes on from out of nowhere...for seemingly no reason at all. The important thing is that now I am able to realize what's happening. I usually feel them coming on. Sometimes they sneak up on me. But they no longer prevent me from leaving the house. Now, when I feel an attack hit, I pray and then I speak it out...I tell Chris, "Honey, I'm feeling anxious for some reason." Then we'll talk about it for a minute...I take a few good, deep breaths...and then move through it. Many times, just speaking it out...telling someone...makes it lose it's power and loose its grip.

You may wonder why I never chose to get on medication for it. I don't like medication. My belief...my OPINION...is that medication, while very helpful for some, is too readily prescribed. I didn't want to be reliant on a pill. And I don't think God wanted me reliant on a pill either. He wanted me reliant on HIM. So...that's how I chose to deal with anxiety. I understand it's different for everyone. But I also understand that God is a BIG God...He's bigger than anxiety...He's bigger than depression...He's bigger than cancer...and He's certainly bigger than a pill.

Again, this is ONLY my OPINION. An opinion based on what God has done for ME. I am not condemning anyone for taking pills. But I do believe that for some...they're not necessary if we would just learn how to deal with the symptoms and the triggers using Godly tools, rather than masking them.

The bottom line is, God is good. And He loves us. ANd wants the best for us. He knows our hearts and our anxious thoughts. He wants us to be strong...in mind and body. He wants us to lean into Him...to trust Him...to rely on Him. And these trials we go through...these tests...are allowed as a way of strengthening us and drawing us nearer to Him. Not nearer to a pill. At least that's how I see it...

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Some Thoughts of Fasting on Day 3:

First of all, I want to thank all of you for your comments, for your support, for your encouragement, and for your helpful advice during this fast. You are all amazing...and I'm glad you are there for me. On a not so positive note...and I'll just give you a warning...some grumbling is about to ensue. SO...walk on by if you don't want to hear honesty that includes much whining.

I know this is not what a fast is about. I'm supposed to be focusing on the Lord...and listening for His voice...and I am. I'm just also a bit distracted. Luckily, He is very patient with me...thank goodness.

It's Day 3 and I still have a headache. I've decided, I am not good at fasting. I feel like a failure. And apparently, according to what I've read, discouragement is common when one is fasting. From what I've read, it will pass. I hope it passes soon..because it's getting on my nerves. I'M getting on my nerves! I cried in the shower today...CRIED. Partly, because I want a diet Coke. But mostly because I am being so pathetic about the stuff!! Get a GRIP, girl!! And I just want to say that I hope you realize, those of you reading this, that I am writing this honestly. I pray that it is not a deterrent should you choose to do a fast. I recommend it. Obviously, it is VERY enlightening. I just don't like it.

That last sentence just made me laugh...I wonder if God is laughing at me, too? Maybe with me? Let's hope...

I just got home from school...

...and I got a B on my first quiz. Lame. I'm so irritated. I really wanted an A. It's open book for crying out loud. And...to top it off...? I missed two True or False questions...and I KNEW that they were True, yet I marked them with an F! What is THAT all about? Lame.

So...I'm a little disappointed. But I'll live. And hopefully I did better on tonight's quiz...hopefully. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the next week. And my toes.

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Day 2:

Breakfast: leftover baked potato, cubed and sauteed in olive oil with sliced red pepper, garlic, salt and pepper and a small bowl of unsweetened apple sauce with cinnamon.

Lunch: Homemade vegetable soup, 1/4 cup cottage cheese and ice water.

Snack: dried fruit and nuts and a clementine.

Dinner: Half of a quesadilla on whole wheat tortilla with refried beans and a sprinkling of cheese, cup of vegetable soup and ice water.

Snack: dried fruit and nuts.

Thoughts: You may notice that I added a small amount of dairy to the mix. About halfway through my day I realized that what I really need to be fasting is caffeine. I realized I don't necessarily need to be doing the Daniel Fast. Honestly, when I found out we were going to be doing a week-long corporate fast I just decided on my own that this is the one I'd do. But what I'm finding is that the real issue...for this fast, anyway...is my reliance on caffeine. It is pathetic how badly I am missing diet soda. Seriously. I almost cried today when talking to Chris about it! I know part of that was being tired. I stayed up too late too many nights in a row...which makes me weepy anyway. But still! Get a grip, girl!

Anyway...I will continue the Daniel Fast since I started it...but be prepared to see a few modifications in the menu. It may be closer to the Daniel Diet. (And if you're interested you can do a search to see the difference between the two because I am too darn tired to go into it!) You may see small amounts of dairy here and there...and maybe a glass of juice or two. What you WON'T see? Coffee. Or Diet Coke.

On a physical note...the headache was less today. And the fatigue was less, also. I was still a bit foggy...but more myself. Thank goodness.

On a rebellious note...I am telling myself that I can't wait until this week is up so I can drink a big ol' glass of diet Coke. Let's hope that tomorrow I can start the process of focusing on God rather than on a drink. Pathetic...I'm telling ya...if nothing else, this makes you realize how weak you are. And how...demanding our bodies can be. And I guess this shouldn't surprise me...being an addictive type and all.

OK...the eyelids are drooping. Time to call it a day...and pray that tomorrow, things continue to improve. Night...xoxo

Behind the scenes...

Tuesday. Everyone is off at their respective destinations...the boys are at school, Chris is at the shop, and I am here, at home...fumbling through my thoughts.

{remnants of a photo shoot}

It's cold out today...and the heater is humming. I love that sound. One of my favorite times of the year is that first time I turn the heater on...when winter is finally here. There's that sound of the heavy furnace generating warm air and the smell of dust and whatever else burning off after a long hot summer of rest. It lets me breathe a sigh of relief.

Today is Day 2 of The Daniel Fast. And thanks to your participation in my Poll, I've decided to share it all here with you. I'll post about it daily...at least as time allows. And I will write about it at the end of my posts so that anyone who isn't interested in the play by play of a fast can just skim right over it and go about their day.

I will continue posting as usual...about life and whatnot. Life does not stop just because one is fasting. That's part of the discipline...to move through it. Life goes on...and because I'm chatty, I will keep on talking about it!

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Isaiah 58:6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?

Day 1:

Breakfast: Oatmeal with butter and craisins, half of an apple with natural peanut butter. (Note to self: when not adding sugar to oatmeal, do NOT salt the water. Salt is used to enhance flavor...but when there is nothing there to enhance, it's just plain salty. Ick. I only ate about half of my oatmeal and gave the rest to the chickens. Also, too...get crunchy apples.)

Lunch: Leftover stir fried vegetables and brown rice. (Everything was mushy so I ended up eating a small baked potato instead!)

Dinner: Sauteed portobello mushroom with garlic and parsley, small baked potato, tossed salad, ice water.

Snack: dried fruit and nuts.

Thoughts: Day 1 was kind of rough, I have to say. Not having caffeine affected me more than I thought it would. Typically I have two or three cups of coffee in the morning. And I really felt the affects of not having it. I had a headache, which is typical of fasting as you are ridding your body of toxins. But I also got extremely tired around 11 or so and had to lie down for about 20 minutes. Not a big deal. But I don't normally do that, so I felt lazy. I also didn't have any diet soda. And I have to say, this was the hardest part of the fast so far. I can handle no meat. I can handle no bread or sugar. But no soda? No coffee? Rough. What this tells me is that I need to pay attention to my reliance on these things. Is having coffee in the morning necessary? Or is it now just a habit?

Something I'm noticing is that I find myself thinking more about the discomfort...hunger pains, headache, unmet cravings...than I am thinking about the reasons I am doing the fast in the first place. I imagine this is normal. But each time I have a thought of discouragement...or irritation...I try to turn it into a prayer. I try to focus in on God rather than what I want. Which is basically what this all boils down to...fleshly desires? Or obedience to God?

Fleshly desires...I am realizing that I do not deprive myself of...anything. If I want something, I have it. Want a piece of candy? I eat it. Want a glass of soda? I drink it. And all without a second thought. I need to consider this...and pay attention.

I am feeling a bit foggy. I just feel a little off. Probably the lack of caffeine. And maybe lack of protein. (Note to self: add beans to today's lunch) So I'm hoping that I do OK at class tonight and that I am able to focus clear enough for my weekly quiz. I'm also hoping that I can stay alert during lecture. All FOUR HOURS OF IT.

As you can see from yesterday's menu, I am not starving. I am eating good food. It's tasty. It's filling. It's pretty healthy. The only difference is what I am not having. So my goal today is to think on what I DO have and not what I don't. And to think on good things. Like the rain that just began to fall....thank you, Lord.

Day 1.

It's Monday. February 1st. Already. And it's the first day of my Daniel Fast.

I always prepare our coffee the night before. Last night, I only put together enough for Chris. This morning, I am drinking water instead. And it's good...and ice cold. And I'm thankful for ice water...and water in general. I take it for granted.

So, some of you have expressed an interest in hearing about the fast as I go along. I created a Poll in the side column for you to vote on how much I talk about it. Do you want to know what I eat? How I prepare it? Scriptures that come to mind? Do you want to know it all? Or just a little. Go take the Poll...let me know what you think!

I took the picture last week when I visited the little church that Chris and I got married in. It's in the middle of an old, beautiful cemetery. Some of the headstones date back to the late 1700's. It's amazing. I love it there. It's not too far from me...maybe a 10 minute drive. Not bad. The picture is of the inside of the church, as seen through the window. So it's also got the reflection of the landscape. Kinda fun.

The Daniel Fast.

I'm getting ready to start The Daniel Fast tomorrow. We are doing it for New Beginnings, "corporately", as a ministry.

What exactly IS the Daniel Fast, you ask? This is a good description. As a matter of fact, I've been reading his book...it's pretty good. Very informative. I think it will be good reference over the next couple of weeks.

I have to admit, I'm a bit nervous. I haven't fasted before. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that I really don't deprive myself of...well, of anything! If I want something, I eat it. Or drink it. Period. So, when I look at it that way, depriving myself sounds like a good idea. I am pretty spoiled...

On the Daniel Fast I can only eat vegetables, whole grains, legumes, fruit and water. That's it. No meat. (We're having Asian pork chops tonight!) No dairy. (I had cottage cheese with lunch and milk with every meal. For some reason I think the dairy is going to be the hardest for me. I love dairy.) No soda. (I'm sipping a diet Coke right now.) No coffee. (THIS is going to be HARD.)

So...over the next 10-21 days I will be fasting and praying. My prayer is that God will show me what He wants me to share in Belgium. I also have a few creative ideas I believe He wants to use for Belgium, so I hope to get more clarity on that. But, of course, God's plans aren't always our plans. So I am open to whatever He wants to tell me...this is about Him. Not me.