I feel like I just keep talking about the same things over and over...

Work, the weather, food. Work, the weather, food. It seems that's all I talk about lately.

But I guess that's life, huh? Whatever season we're in is what we're going to talk about. (Even if it is boring and repetitive...)

When I started to blog in June of 2008 it was with the intention of sharing frugal meal ideas. That first blog was titled The Frugal Feast. And that's the season I was in...our finances were tight and I needed to get creative in feeding my family good food on a budget. And I did...I learned so much during that time, things I still employ even though finances are a bit more stable these days.

However, blogging only about frugality got old fast. I didn't like feeling like that was the only thing I had to talk about. I wanted to share more than just food and frugal ideas but felt confined by my blog title. So I stopped writing.

One day, months later, I was at a friend's house picking figs...we were talking about family and life and God. It was a good afternoon. We were under the canopy of her three, huge fig trees and I felt a nudge from God to begin blogging again. I liked the idea of writing again...but what would the blog be called?

I wanted it to be called something with biblical meaning but not religious. As I visited with my friend, picking figs, avoiding the ones the deer had nibbled, I began praying about a title and the words Give a Girl a Fig came to mind. Kind of like if you give a mouse a cookie, what are all the things it will do? It was sort of the same idea...that whatever was given to me, either by a sweet friend or by God, how would I make good use of it? How would I share it? How would I be a good steward of that which is provided to me? How would it grow and spread to others?

I came home that day with boxes of beautiful figs...hot, sweaty and with dried fig leaves in my hair...and a full heart knowing that God was prompting me to start another blog, but this time with Him in the center of it. Not only was I to share about my life, but also about God.

So, shortly thereafter I created Give a Girl a Fig. And I've done my best to share about life...the good times and the bad. I've done my best to share about God...His goodness, His provision, His grace and mercy...that He's real and that He loves us.

Over the past six years the point of view here has gone from stay at home mom trying to stretch her pennies by making things from scratch and growing her own to... full time working mom who is going to take advantage of modern food conveniences all in the name of at least just getting something edible on the table.

But one thing that hasn't changed here is my love for God. And His love for me. And my reliance and dependence on Him. And His faithfulness and care toward me. That has remained the same. And for that I am eternally grateful...that I love a good God who is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Situations change and evolve, we change and evolve...and through it all, God is there, steady...guiding, loving, providing, teaching.

Maybe I should have said that all I talk about here is...work, the weather, food and God.

the post in which I figure out why I have no motivation...

I wrote this last week and then chickened out about posting it. I mentioned it in passing in a recent post and said to myself, "If anyone mentions it, I will post it." Well, someone did...so here it is. 

My motivation is at ZERO. I made all these lists and I have yet to do anything on them. I'm doing the day to day stuff, of course. But other than that? Not much.

Is it because of the heat? Or because it's "that time of the month"? Am I a little depressed?

I'm thinking all of the above.

It took me a few days (and the act of writing this post...always interesting to see what comes out when I sit down to write) to realize that a little bit of depression has taken hold. Sometimes it sneaks up on me like that. In the past I would feel it coming and I would just brace myself and hope for the best. But as I've gotten better at recognizing it's impending arrival (and battling it off like a champ, I might add) it seems it has gotten a little sneakier.

So every now and then I realize that something just isn't right...and that's when it's time to recognize that depression has set in without warning. And rather than giving in to it I recognize it, and begin the process of getting through it.

After I recognize it, I tell someone about it, usually my husband. I have found that the simple act of saying, "I'm feeling a little depressed lately." instantly makes the depression lose its power over me. It's no longer a secret, and in my experience, that's where the depression held its power over me...in the secrecy, the shame and embarrassment. So now I call it out.

The next step is to take some time to think about what's causing it. Where did it come from? Did something specific happen? Is there something going on that I'm not dealing with?

It's also important during this time to be gentle with myself...move slow, get enough rest (but not too much, gotta get out of that bed!), stay calm. And put the to-do lists aside for now. I mean, stay productive, you don't want to sloth around. That definitely doesn't help the situation. But I don't put extra expectations on myself. Right now the main goal is to clear my head and to keep myself from slipping into the pit.

Have you heard of "the pit"? I spent way too much time in the pit, I'm sad to say. But then I read a book that changed how I handle depression... Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. Pretty sure I've recommended it before. But it's so good I will recommend it again. If you deal with depression I highly recommend it. It was without a doubt one of the most effective tools in helping me understand depression and helping me learn how to fight it effectively.

It doesn't mean that it doesn't still show up now and then...it does. But now I'm better equipped to fight it.
The good thing in all of this? Depression doesn't stay around as long as it once did. And I thank God for that...

(Did you notice I say "deal with" and not "suffer from" depression? VERY important...I deal with depression head on. I don't suffer from it...that would imply that I am a victim and I'm not. And neither are you.)

* * * * *

And...as with all posts I write about depression or anxiety I feel the need to include a disclaimer:

Sharing this stuff is scary. And makes me feel extremely vulnerable...especially when I share while IN it. But I believe that God has a plan...and that there is a reason for everything...including His allowing me to deal with depression and anxiety. And for me the reason is always to draw me closer to Him, it's "the thorn in my side", if you will. And also to share with others that it is possible to get through it without medication but rather with prayer and leaning into God. So because God has allowed this, and because He brings me through it every single time, it is my responsibility to share it with you. The battle. The struggle. The process. The deliverance. The healing. The victory. 

All that being said...there is no need to worry about me. Yes, I am battling depression today. But to be honest, I battle it every day, it seems that it is always lurking to some degree. It's just that some days are better or worse than others. That's all. And like always...I will get through it...God will make sure of it. 

solitude vs. isolation

I have to admit, I am the type of person who enjoys alone time. I have never been one to always have to have people around me. I enjoy people. I enjoy social situations. But I also enjoy time by myself. As a matter of fact, I would even go so far as to say that I need to be alone sometimes.

Being alone (not lonely, mind you, just by myself) allows me time to think. It allows me time to be quiet and still. It allows me to rest and refresh.

I can't think of a time when I wasn't OK with being alone. As a girl I would spend time in my room laying on my bed listening to music, and reading magazines or drawing or writing letters to friends. I loved spending quiet time in my own space.

As a young adult I rented a small one-bedroom apartment (and I do mean small...maybe 400 sq. ft....maybe) out in the country. It was quite a drive from town so not many people just "popped in" to visit. I loved that little apartment. It was just the right size for me and Rosie, my cat. As a young single girl you can imagine I went out with my friends...a lot. But there were also those times when I opted to stay home, alone. I would watch TV or listen to music, I would paint or draw, I would cook, I would tend to my little front yard or sometimes I would just sit out front and watch the sun go down.

Solitude...it can be a good thing.

However, I have learned that I have to be careful. I have to be careful that what begins as solitude doesn't morph into isolation. Isolation is not the same as solitude. Isolation is an avoidance mechanism. To isolate is to avoid people and social situations as opposed to solitude which is more like taking a purposeful break from social activity.

As a person who deals with anxiety and depression I have to be careful that my times of solitude don't become times of isolation. Being alone is good for me, yes. But I have to be aware not to take it too far. Because I can if I allow myself.

Solitude vs. isolation...healthy vs. unhealthy...I'm so glad that I have learned the difference.

"I love you, too."

So I'm still reeling from Wednesday night's bible study...so much and all of it so good.

Another thing Beth Moore talked about was a time when God told her that every time she wanted to tell God she loved Him, rather than saying, "I love you, God."....He wanted her to say..."I love you, too."

God is love.

For the past 8 weeks or so I have been attending a women's bible study at our old church. It's Breaking Free by Beth Moore and it has been...life-changing.

Last night during her video session she was talking about loving God...and really digging deep in asking us, much like Jesus asked Peter, if we really love God.

I have always thought that I truly loved God. But last night, as Beth dug deeper and deeper, I realized that I don't. I mean, I DO. I DO love God. But not the way that I want to love Him. Not the way that He deserves to be loved.

I was shaken...in a good way. Coming to the realization that I don't love God like I thought I did was a good thing. It was enlightening. Not condemning. It made me want to dig deeper and allow God to penetrate my heart so that I can love Him better. Fully. With my whole heart.

During the video session Beth has the viewer fill in blanks in the workbook as she speaks. And one of the blanks was very simply....God is love. Just like that. Simple.

We've all seen it, right? On t-shirts, coffee mugs, bumper stickers. And to be honest, because it is everywhere, I often overlook it.

I overlook those three simple words...God is love. I dismiss them. Not in a way that I don't believe them. More in a prideful way of, "Well yeah He is. Everyone knows that."

But as I wrote those three little words in my workbook it was as if a shock went through from my hand to my heart to my mind to my soul and suddenly I truly realized...GOD IS LOVE.

So simple. Yet so incredibly profound.

God is love. And without Him, we are incapable of loving.

So. Now what?

Admittedly, I have been in a spiritual slump for a good long while now. I'm stuck. So I think the place to start is a simple prayer...thanking God for loving me and asking Him to help me to love Him back...for real.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.

Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

1 John 4:16


Wednesday in the Word.

Lamentations 3:19-26

 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
   the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
   and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
   and therefore I have hope:

  Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
   therefore I will wait for him.”

  The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
   to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD.

After a long time of wandering...and waiting...I can feel myself slowly making my way back. I wasn't necessarily going in the wrong direction...but in a spiritual sense I was stuck. And when I did try to move it was as if I was spinning in circles.

Eventually...I just stopped.

And then I got complacent. Which is really weird because I never thought I would ever feel that way. Being so involved in women's ministry like I was I saw women try to return to church after not being for a while. Many times they had stopped going to their previous church because of being hurt or let down by someone who, many times, were in a position of leadership. And I never understood it. Because I knew that church didn't equate God...therefore the hurt was from a person...not God. So I couldn't understand how being hurt by someone at a church would prevent someone from going to church. I just did not get it.

But then...God allowed me the opportunity to feel that same kind of hurt. And let me tell you...it really does knock the wind right out of you. It stops you in your tracks. And gives you a very bitter taste in your mouth where church and its people are concerned. Not where God is concerned. I knew God well enough to keep Him out of it. But where church was concerned? And the people in it? Yeah...bitter.

So I stopped going to church for a while (as I've mentioned). And I was fine with it.

But you know...I really wasn't. I wasn't fine with it at all. And neither was God.

Church is a really good thing. I learned a lot at my long-time church. I had some really good times and met some incredible and God-loving people, several of who I still talk to and pray with today. I grew spiritually and healed and experienced miracles at my old church. There was so much good that I experienced that I've had to remind myself of all of that. I've had to realize that it wasn't all bad. Not at all. It was good for a long time.

To be honest with you, I don't know when it started to deteriorate. I think it was a slow decline...so subtle that I didn't even know it was happening. And then when I realized what was happening I denied it...thinking to myself, "It must just be me because this kind of stuff doesn't happen in church."

Well. Yes, it does. But that's OK...because wounds heal. And lessons are learned. And God uses those lessons to help us become more compassionate.

Yes, church is a good thing. As long as it's a healthy and thriving church. I didn't say a busy church. Just because a church is doing does not mean they are being. Do you get what I'm saying?

But if you can find a church where the people are kind and loving and authentic and imperfect (yes, I said imperfect) and love the Lord with all their hearts (or are at least striving to)...go there. Worship there. Serve there. Make friends there. Go to bible studies. Smile at newcomers. Sing your heart out during worship...raise your hands to God. 

Yes. Church is a good thing. And I'm grateful to be making my way back.

one word.

Happy New Year! It's 2012. A few days ago I mentioned wanting to choose one word to represent this coming year. When I first thought of it there was a word that popped into my head...but I quickly dismissed it. For one thing, I thought it was kind of a boring word. It wasn't a word I'd want imprinted on a charm or tattooed on my ankle. (No...don't worry...I'm not considering a tattoo...been there, done that.)

For another thing...I was feeling a bit pessimistic about the coming year. I didn't have the excitement and hopeful attitude I did when 2011 rang in. So...as this word entered my mind I shrugged it off...and waited for another word...a better word...to come to mind.

In the meantime...the original word kept showing up. I would hear it. I would see it. I kept thinking about it. It was everywhere...and it was clear that it wasn't going away. So I gave in...and I prayed about it...and I realized that it was the perfect word for this coming year...

possible

Yep. That's it. That's the word. Possible.

"Everything is possible for one who believes.” - Mark 9:23.

“What is impossible with human beings is possible with God.” - Luke 18:27.

I can't wait to see where this leads...

life in the meantime.



Chris and I went to a yard sale a few weeks ago...

It's Friday...I slept in late. I don't usually like to do that...but I'm thinking I must have needed it. Rather than beat myself up about it...I'm going with it...taking it slow...puttering around the house...

The boys slept in, too...it is summer after all. It's gonna be a rude awakening when school rolls back around...for all of us.

I am still processing the fact that Papa is no longer here on this earth with us...it's so hard to believe. As much as I didn't want to, I believed it when Noni went to be with Jesus. I am figuring because Noni's passing was a family affair, it was such a process, and I had the privilege of being a part of that process. I am so grateful for that time with her...so, so grateful.

Papa's departure wasn't a process...it wasn't a family affair. It was him...and Jesus...and they decided the time...and that was that. There is peace in that, too because we all believe that is exactly how Papa wanted it.

That was a gift... The gift of peace...  God is good...all the time.

In the meantime...family gathers, plans are made, tears are shed, and in the middle of it all there is laughter and gratitude and good times and hugs and memories and love...lots and lots of love...another gift.

In the meantime...groceries need to be picked up, dinners need to be made, kids need to go to practice and parties and games and youth groups. Business needs to be run...gardens need to be watered...and all the while there are the underlying emotions...joy and sorrow, gratitude and peace.

I will always miss Papa. For my whole life. I still miss Noni immensely and it's been two years. I miss my Papa Gene and he's been in heaven for over 10 years. I miss Grandpa Fred, Chris' grandpa (but I claim him as my Grandpa, too!) . I will always miss them...always. Always and forever. They held special places on this earth...and they hold special places in my heart...that only they can fill.

Until we meet again...I'm so grateful for amazing memories of amazing human beings that I am so blessed to call family.

complaining...or how to make people run the other way when they see you coming.



"I promise...if you let me out for just a few minutes, I will NOT
sneak into the garden, plop on your deck or stare you down
through the back door until you give me a treat. I promise!!"
Sweetie...looking demure...doing her best to "will" me into
letting her roam the yard. Not a chance sister!

 So the other day I was told by two people....one a friend, the other my favorite cashier at the local discount grocer...to "stop complaining". Just like that...those words were tossed in my direction. And they were tossed at me (but felt heavy as a medicine ball in the gut) right after I'd commented about the excruciating, horrible, suffocating, draining, incessant, obnoxious, heat.

Now I can understand someone telling me not to complain about my new shoes hurting my feet. At least I have new shoes, right?

Or maybe asking me not to complain about the steak being a bit undercooked. (What can I say, I'm a medium-well girl. Blame Noni.) Um...hello? At least I have food, right? And a steak, no less!

Or perhaps someone doesn't want to hear me complain about my humble abode...I'm not living under a bridge, now am I?

But to blurt out the words "stop complaining" when I'm merely making a very factual statement about the weather? Really? Everyone complains about the weather. There are summer people...and winter people...and the fair weather friends who prefer spring or autumn. And when it's not to their liking they complain.

People complain about too much rain...too much snow...too much wind. Why can't I complain about too much heat?

I was boggled. And I will admit...taken aback a bit. And maybe, possibly even a teensy bit offended and self-righteous.

Each time the statement was tossed my way I'm absolutely positive one of my eyebrows raised...and my chin tucked in a bit. I'm pretty sure my eyes bulged and then narrowed into questioning slits. And my lips pinched up, too...just a little.

I'm also quite sure my head cocked to one side and my chest puffed up a bit.

I even got defensive. And pointed out the pointers own complaints. (Of which, I was wrong about, apparently.)

But then...as I stood at the checkout counter baffled by the scolding of my favorite cashier, doing my best to conjure up a reasonable argument as to why it's totally fine and acceptable and within my constitutional rights for me to complain about the heat...about the weather in general, about the traffic, my dirty floors, the person in front of me, the news, the shirt I was wearing, my chippy toenail polish, the price of gas, the service at Starbucks, the audacity of my neighbor to park in MY spot, the fact that neither of my boys can ever "remember" to make their beds, the government, the church, the beggars on every corner, chronic pain, the whatever I want to complain about thankyouverymuch...

...I was convicted.
And a bit embarrassed.

As I loaded my bags and bags of groceries (that I had plenty of money to pay for) and headed home (in my luxury, gas-guzzling SUV with the a/c blasting) I got to thinking...

I don't know about you, but sometimes God uses people to get something across to me. And as I was driving home it began to set in to my thick, stubborn, prideful, opinionated, complaining skull that this is exactly what was happening.

God had something to say to me: "Stop complaining."

It took me a good 24 hours to really process what had happened.
It took me a good 24 hours to really get that it was God pointing out a personality trait that is not helpful to me or anyone within earshot of my incessant whining and complaining.
It took me a good 24 hours to realize that...God is right. I really do need to stop complaining.

So...because God said so, and if nothing else I do my best to be obedient to Him, I'm going to work on not complaining. I don't know that I'll stop complaining totally and completely. (Isn't that humanly impossible? No? Dangit...I guess it IS just me.) But I am going to work on it. Diligently. Pray for me, would ya?

This is gonna be a process...an interesting, challenging and I'm sure, at times, a very humorous process.

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.

Philippians 2:14-16

when all else fails...

...speak the Truth.

...so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:11



Wednesday in the Word.

cantaloupe seedlings under a "cloche"..



You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 32:7

Can you imagine? God surrounding us with songs of deliverance? All day long...as we go about our lives...our work...our errands...our struggles...our thoughts...our temptations...all the while, God is surrounding us with songs of deliverance. If God is for us, who can be against us?

 

God is on your side...go to Him...trust Him...believe Him...He loves you.

Sometimes there are no words...

Well...no words other than...

God is so good.

through.



hydrangea and azalea...soon to be a part of our backyard border.

God and I are working on things. My mind is consumed with this process. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with it. But...that's not how God does things. He doesn't allow us to go around things...or under...or over. He has us go through things. Going through things is the only way we can learn...and strengthen...and grow. And the best part? He walks through right along with us...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God.

Isaiah 43:1-3

 

At times it feels as if we're wrestling this whole thing out, me and God...like He did with Jacob. (Genesis 32 if you want to read it.) Jacob was wrestling for a blessing...I'm wrestling for a different reason. And it's not the right reason. I need to think more like Jacob...I need to fight for that blessing...not to hang onto things I do not need in my life. I'm afraid If I don't get a grip on this situation...and lay this all down at His feet...He just might let me have my way. He just might let me hold onto it all.

I don't want to hold onto it all.

So I'm going through it. And He's going through it with me. We might stop to wrestle a bit here and there. I might come out with a limp. But we're going through it...me and God...together.

Your path led through the sea,

your way through the mighty waters,

though your footprints were not seen.

Psalm 77:19

 

Maybe it doesn't feel like He's there.

Maybe I can't see His footprints.

Maybe I can't see Him, or hear Him, or feel Him, sometimes.

But I know He's there. 

I know He is.

Always.

 

Thank you, God. Thank you for never leaving me, nor forsaking me.

Thank you for preparing my path...for keeping me from drowning.

Thank you for loving me...and getting me through.

I wouldn't want to do it without You.

keep your eye on the prize.

I wrote this post almost two years ago...and never hit "Publish".

And for the record...we still haven't found a new home church.

Nor have we tried very hard. 

I've got a lot of work to do...internal work, heart work, soul work. I've allowed myself to get to a place that I don't like very much. I was telling myself that I didn't mind being where I was at. But that's not true. That was an excuse. I don't like where I'm at...or how I'm thinking...or how I'm feeling. Or how I'm acting for that matter.

We haven't been to church in about 2 months. That's a long time for a family who rarely missed a Sunday for over 10 years. We are a church-going family. We go to church...we pray before meals...we tithe...we serve and do bible studies and play instruments on worship teams.

But for the last 2 months...nothing.

It's not for lack of wanting to...but circumstances. Things happened. People happened. Humanity happened. And suddenly...we found ourselves without a home church. It was a weird feeling.

We visited a church we thought we'd like to attend...but on both visits not one person said one word to us. Not a hello...not a get out of here...nothing. Weird.

We took that as a cue from God that it's not where He wanted us. And that was fine.

Instead of continuing to look for a new church home, we decided to take some time to get our house in order...specifically the backyard. And it's been good to have the time to do this. For the past 10 years every weekend has been full of church or baseball or wrestling or something other than taking care of things around here. Now our weekends are full of making our backyard habitable. It's been really good.

But eventually we need to get back into church.

The thing about church is that people are at church. And people are...people. Imperfect people. Messed up people...as Joyce Meyer literally just said on TV, "Hurting people hurt people." True dat. It's not an excuse...just a truth.

And I will say...I got hurt. Pretty bad. That's the thing I've been trapped by for the past...oh, year or so. Hurt. I like to fancy myself more Godly...above being hurt...above being trapped by self-pity...ha. Like everyone else...I'm part of that whole "people" thing. I am imperfect. And I'm sure I hurt people, too...not on purpose. Not anymore, anyway.

No excuse.

There comes a time when we know better. And when we know better...we are expected to do better.

To whom much is given...much is required. 

Can I just say...through all those years of hurt and confusion I learned a very valuable lesson. One morning I was praying...and I asked God why I was being treated in such a way by this person that I trusted.

"Why are you allowing this, Lord?"

And just like God always does...He answered quietly and simply and directly...

"Now you know how NOT to treat people."

Simple. And so HUGE. God allowed it so that I would learn from it. And so that I would never treat people the way that I was treated. And I pray...earnestly...that I NEVER inflict that hurt and that confusion and that pain on anyone else. If I fail...I pray for forgiveness. I ask the person I've hurt for their forgiveness...and I mean it. No sense in giving fake apologies...or empty forgiveness. Don't bother. Do it for them...not just to make yourself feel better.

No. I mean it. I don't want to hurt others. I want to encourage others. I want to build others up. I want to be a part of their success...not their stumbling. That is my desire...Lord I pray I do what my heart desires to do. I pray I am goodness and light to others...not a stumbling block...or a cork...or a hindrance. And if I am...SHOW ME so that I can STOP.

Yes...I've got some work to do. I need to get out of this rut. I need to get my focus back...keep my eye on the prize...and that prize is living my life for God. The prize is powering through my days here on Earth...being light in the darkness...so that one day, when I'm in heaven, I will see what it was all  about...what it was all for...Jesus.

Jesus is the prize. He is the way...and the truth...and the life. Keep my eye on the prize...on Jesus...and my paths will be straight, my feet will not stumble, I will not grow weary, I will not faint...I will not be burned, I will not drown...keep my eye on The Prize.

Jesus. He is the prize.

And if I can just keep my eye on HIM, nothing else will matter. No hurt. No anger. Nothing.

If I keep my eyes on Jesus...my Prize above all prizes...all other things will fall into place.

progress.

The beans are sprouting.

The lettuce is sprouting.

A sunflower is coming up. As are some cantaloupes.

Snap peas are growing and climbing...I love tendrils.

Tomatoes and peppers and squash are growing and blooming.

We installed the border for the lawn this weekend.

Now all we need is the sod and we're good to go.

This is incredibly exciting.

* * * * * * * *

I worked Friday night. I was going about my business of tidying shelves preparing for closing time when I stopped to answer a few questions for a nice couple shopping for some DVDs. It ended up, after a bit of conversation, that they asked if they could pray for me. I usually pray for customers. They don't pray for me.

But I said yes.

They prayed.

And God spoke to me so clearly...so very clearly. A sweet, loving whisper...

"It's time to forgive."

I have been holding on to some pain...to some wounds...to betrayals by someone I thought I could trust.

It's time to let them go.

I knew the hurts were there. But I didn't know I was allowing them so much power in my life.

I didn't know they were like a cork, stopping me in my tracks...paralyzing me...preventing me from moving forward...preventing me from being effective...preventing me from becoming the woman God created me to be. Preventing me from truly living and accomplishing my dreams.

There is progress in my life...on the outside.

Now I need to allow some progress on the inside.

It's time to let it go.

It's time to forgive.

This is not going to be easy.

I am really struggling with it.

But why would I hang onto something so ugly?

I don't need it. It's not doing me any good. At all.

My mind says to forgive but my heart still has a death grip on the hurt. A death grip...exactly. It's death to me. Hanging on to this crap is killing me. It's killing my soul...my life...my future.

It's time to forgive.

But maybe I'm not ready.

Maybe I don't want to..?

Rebellion.

But I have to.

Obedience.

Forgiveness.

It's for me. Not for you.

It's time to live..on purpose...forgive...and move on.

I have to do it because my love for

God is bigger than the pain.

It's time to let go.

It's time to forgive.

At one time...



My view from the kitchen door.

The older I get...and the closer I get to God...the more I begin to see things so very differently than I once did.

At one time...I was liberal. I'm not anymore.

At one time...I smoked cigarettes. But because of a TRUE miracle of God, I don't anymore.

At one time...I drank alcohol. Quite a bit of it. But because I'm not good at it...or maybe I was TOO good at it...I don't drink anymore.

At one time...I was at the mercy of depression. Because of God's faithfulness...and His Word and promises...and MY determination to BELIEVE it all, I'm not anymore.

At one time...I was at the mercy of anxiety. I'm not anymore.

At one time...I sang Jesus songs not really knowing what I was singing about. Now I sing Jesus songs and I know WHO I am singing about, personally.

At one time...I was lost. So very lost. But now...I am found.

God changes things...and it is always for the better. Always.

So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you!

Proverbs 7:15

small beginnings.

Meyer lemon blossoms...looks like hope to me.

Over the past week I have been reminded, on several occasions, that you have to start somewhere. I have been reminded to start small...take that first step...and just start.

I have always had this habit of seeing something I want to do...and then thinking I need to do it all at once.

I can't just start a little garden, trying my hand at a couple tomato and zucchini plants to get my feet wet...I need to build a 50-acre homestead where I grow ALL our own food ALL the time.

I can't just learn to bake bread and commit to a fresh loaf once a week...I have to bake all our own bread, every single day using yeast I make myself (or grow? I don't even know how that's done!) and flour I've grown and harvested and milled myself and then bake it over an open flame in a brick oven I built myself out of bricks I fashioned out of clay and...whatever else you use to fashion bricks.

I can't just...well, I think you get the idea. Don't you? I have this "go big or go home" attitude...but going "big" is overwhelming! Especially when you don't know what you're DO-ING. And...I don't. Not yet, anyway.

Our hope is to one day have a larger home situated on usable acreage. It's been a dream for us for years. So we've been waiting and waiting for the time to be right for this dream to become a reality. Waiting is the key word here.

One day I was driving Ian to school and I saw a garden flag in someones front yard that had the familiar saying on it..."Bloom where you're planted." I'd seen it a million times before but this time I knew that God was letting me know that we needed to stop waiting...we needed to do some things right here, on our own little city lot to get started. We needed to take some time to experiment...and learn. How on earth did I expect to care for acreage when I couldn't even take care of a small, suburban lot?

Good point...why didn't I think of that?

So, bloom we did.

We expanded the garden from a couple of small planting boxes to a full-fledged fenced off garden area. I taught myself to can peaches and beans and how to make jam. Two years ago we got The Girls and they've been supplying us with fresh, delicious, beautiful eggs ever since. We plan on getting rain barrels and collecting rain water...and planting some fruit trees and grape vines. We are using our time here on our small city lot, our small beginning, to learn and gather knowledge and experience so that when that dream does come true, we'll know where to start and what to do.

This series of small beginnings will eventually add up to big changes in our lives. No more waiting...it's time to rejoice and "to see the work begin"! And I know it will be worth the wait...anything done in God's timing and in God's direction always is.

Zechariah 4:10

Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...

Free...

"Bound"

Beautiful artwork I purchased several years

ago from Bound Staff Press on Etsy.com. 

"If you love something, set it free..."

I was sitting in bed doing my bible study last night (finally getting back on track...jeesh) and came across a little orange sticky note in my bedside table drawer (as I was rooting around for my Pez). On it I had scribbled,

"If you love something, set it free...God set us free."

I'd forgotten I'd written that down. And it was suddenly such a profound thought to me. We've all heard the saying, yeah, yeah, yeah....love something, set it free...blah blah. But I'd never thought of it in regard to God. It occurred to me that it is exactly what God does for us. Before God sends us to this earth, we are with Him. It says it right in the bible...in Jeremiah 1:5...

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..."

And how about Psalm 139?

13 For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Before we were born...we were already meant to be. God already had us planned. He created us...He knew us...He formed us...for a purpose. This is so amazing to me...that He always knew that at this very time I would be here, on this earth. He sent me, and you...for such a time as this.Wow...

OK...so this is how my thoughts went:

He formed me in my mother's womb. He sent me to earth. Basically...He set me free. Because He loved me.

So I was born into the world...and I lived however I wanted for many, many years. I lived my life without any regard to Him. I never really gave God much thought. I had a knowledge of God...or "something bigger than myself" but I came to a point in my life that I wasn't sure I believed in GOD. Or at least I didn't want to call anything GOD. Did I believe in a higher power? Yes. I knew I didn't believe in the big bang "theory". Even in my unbelief I knew that was a crock. But I wasn't comfortable calling whatever it was God. But now I know that whether I believed it or not, God did send me here. He did create me. He loved me, He formed me and then He set me free. And off I flew.

We all have a God shaped hole in our hearts. And nothing else will ever fill it but Him. Not drugs. Not alcohol. Not sex. Not work. Not tarot cards. Not palm reading. Not "spirituality". The thing that we are always in search of...that longing we feel but can't quite fulfill...it's that little hole in our heart that only God can fill.

I accepted God into my heart when I was 32 years old. It was a rainy night...I was watching TV with my husband...and he came across a TV evangelist. And he listened. Now any other day, I would have made fun. But not this time. This time I listened. Intently. And I cried. And when this man on TV invited me to say a prayer inviting the Lord into my heart...I did. You can imagine my surprise when I found out this man with the powerful voice was Billy Graham. Imagine that. I just accepted God into my heart in the middle of my living room floor. Wonders never cease!

God came into my heart...He took His rightful place...He filled that black hole...and made ME whole. At that moment...this little bird that He set free 32 years earlier returned to Him...because I loved Him. And I knew it in an instant. An instant. This never ceases to amaze me...ever. I marvel at how God got a hold of me...how He got my attention, finally, and opened my eyes so that I could see...Truth. And Love. And Hope.

Let me tell you that life has NOT been the same since. I am not the same person I was 11 years ago. Thank you GOD. Walking with God is a process. It's a journey. And like any other journey there are ups and downs...hills and valleys...good and bad...highs and lows. But in the end...and through it all...God is good. And He wants good things for us. He loves us....and is waiting for us to fly back to Him.

"If you love something, set it free.

And if it yours, it will return to you."

Dear God,

I am yours...

Love,

Michelle

I believe...

I believe in the sun even if it isn't shining. I believe in love even when I am alone. I believe in God even when He is silent. ~Author Unknown

2011...it's here. And it's gonna be good.

I don't know that I've ever entered into a new year with such a feeling of...expectation. Hopeful expectation...but with more of a knowledge that it is going to be good. 

For many of the past years I've entered into each new year with the hope that it would be better. But it was a pretty generic hope. An unsure hope. And as I hoped on the outside and looked pretty convincing...on the inside, I was more of a wince. I entered into each new year with shoulders shrugged and holding my arms over my head at the ready to fend off anything hurling it's way toward me.

That was then. This is now. And I honestly believe that 2011 is going to be good. And that the excitement that I feel...the expectancy...is real. It's from deep inside. It's like it's coming straight from God's heart to mine...a direct shot of goodness and hope...from the Father.

And you know what else is really cool about all of this? The expectancy...the goodness...the hope? Many of YOU are feeling it, too. It's like it's in the air...or the water. 2011 isn't about hoping with a wince. It's not about going in ducking and dodging, afraid of what's to come. It's about going in with chins up...shoulders back...and sleeves rolled up, ready to get in there and make things happen. It's about an unshakable hope...the gift of hope from God...and knowing that He is good. And that He has good things in store for us. And that we need to be open...and ready to receive from Him, in whatever form it may come to us, in 2011.

Happy New Year...