Sunday morning...

I'm trying.

xo

the post in which I figure out why I have no motivation...

I wrote this last week and then chickened out about posting it. I mentioned it in passing in a recent post and said to myself, "If anyone mentions it, I will post it." Well, someone did...so here it is. 

My motivation is at ZERO. I made all these lists and I have yet to do anything on them. I'm doing the day to day stuff, of course. But other than that? Not much.

Is it because of the heat? Or because it's "that time of the month"? Am I a little depressed?

I'm thinking all of the above.

It took me a few days (and the act of writing this post...always interesting to see what comes out when I sit down to write) to realize that a little bit of depression has taken hold. Sometimes it sneaks up on me like that. In the past I would feel it coming and I would just brace myself and hope for the best. But as I've gotten better at recognizing it's impending arrival (and battling it off like a champ, I might add) it seems it has gotten a little sneakier.

So every now and then I realize that something just isn't right...and that's when it's time to recognize that depression has set in without warning. And rather than giving in to it I recognize it, and begin the process of getting through it.

After I recognize it, I tell someone about it, usually my husband. I have found that the simple act of saying, "I'm feeling a little depressed lately." instantly makes the depression lose its power over me. It's no longer a secret, and in my experience, that's where the depression held its power over me...in the secrecy, the shame and embarrassment. So now I call it out.

The next step is to take some time to think about what's causing it. Where did it come from? Did something specific happen? Is there something going on that I'm not dealing with?

It's also important during this time to be gentle with myself...move slow, get enough rest (but not too much, gotta get out of that bed!), stay calm. And put the to-do lists aside for now. I mean, stay productive, you don't want to sloth around. That definitely doesn't help the situation. But I don't put extra expectations on myself. Right now the main goal is to clear my head and to keep myself from slipping into the pit.

Have you heard of "the pit"? I spent way too much time in the pit, I'm sad to say. But then I read a book that changed how I handle depression... Get Out of That Pit by Beth Moore. Pretty sure I've recommended it before. But it's so good I will recommend it again. If you deal with depression I highly recommend it. It was without a doubt one of the most effective tools in helping me understand depression and helping me learn how to fight it effectively.

It doesn't mean that it doesn't still show up now and then...it does. But now I'm better equipped to fight it.
The good thing in all of this? Depression doesn't stay around as long as it once did. And I thank God for that...

(Did you notice I say "deal with" and not "suffer from" depression? VERY important...I deal with depression head on. I don't suffer from it...that would imply that I am a victim and I'm not. And neither are you.)

* * * * *

And...as with all posts I write about depression or anxiety I feel the need to include a disclaimer:

Sharing this stuff is scary. And makes me feel extremely vulnerable...especially when I share while IN it. But I believe that God has a plan...and that there is a reason for everything...including His allowing me to deal with depression and anxiety. And for me the reason is always to draw me closer to Him, it's "the thorn in my side", if you will. And also to share with others that it is possible to get through it without medication but rather with prayer and leaning into God. So because God has allowed this, and because He brings me through it every single time, it is my responsibility to share it with you. The battle. The struggle. The process. The deliverance. The healing. The victory. 

All that being said...there is no need to worry about me. Yes, I am battling depression today. But to be honest, I battle it every day, it seems that it is always lurking to some degree. It's just that some days are better or worse than others. That's all. And like always...I will get through it...God will make sure of it. 

Magnolia Blossom...

source

I met a 92 year old woman the other day. Her name is Margaret. "I go by Margaret, or Maggie, or Magnolia Blossom." (One of my best friends does elder care and Margaret is her newest "friend".)

I chose to call her Magnolia Blossom.

She's all of maybe 5'2", maybe, and with a personality a mile high. She had a smile in her eyes and determination in her step.

She had interesting stories to tell, of growing up with 13 siblings, of marrying a pilot at the age of 18, of moving to Japan and travelling "two weeks by ship just to be with him", even being hit on by Bob Hope while on board. She has a very cool photo to prove it. Apparently she was wearing a sheer blouse that you could see through to her slip and he turned to her and said in a "cheeky" voice, "How the hell are ya?" Can you imagine?

She talked about how she raised two boys but always wondered why God never gave her a girl.

She talked of living a wonderful life with her husband, the pilot...until "he got sick and up and left me...I went crazy for a while after that...I just couldn't believe he was gone." This is the only time the smile in her eyes faded.

We visited in her living room, frames full of family portraits, walls full of painting after painting, most her own originals...a pagoda, red geraniums, bowls of fruit, a wind mill, a Peruvian king (this was her favorite...my friend loved the bowl of fruit...and I was partial to the geraniums). She was incredibly talented.

When asked to play us a tune on her piano she replied, "Oh I haven't played in a hundred years...but let's see what we can do."

And she played...and then she sang...and it was wonderful...and I wondered why I wasn't filming her, documenting this beautiful human beings zest for life. I wondered if her grandchildren know how amazing she is. I wondered if they realize what a treasure she is. I wondered if they had footage of her singing and playing a song on the piano from a memory that was slowly fading. (And I wondered why I didn't film my own grandparent's when I had the chance. Note to self: seize the moment. Magnolia would have.)

Then my friend and I played a sorry rendition of Heart and Soul and Magnolia danced and clapped, smiling as though she thought we might actually have known what we were doing.

Margaret continued to tell her incredible stories...and told them again, and again...over and over and over. And each time she told the story about living in Japan in a "27 room mansion with 7 servants...can you imagine?" she told it just as she told all of the other stories...verbatim and with just as much gusto and amazement as the time before.

The thing about Magnolia is that she loved her life. All of it. Or at least all that she was able to remember. She loved her husband. She was happy. And her joy was contagious.

She made me smile. She made me happy. She made me miss my grandparents.

Thank you for the nice visit, Magnolia. I hope to see you soon.

"You called me Magnolia. I haven't been called Magnolia in a long time. My husband called me Magnolia Blossom. He was a pilot. We lived in Japan for three tours. It was wonderful. We lived in a 27 room mansion with 7 servants. Can you imagine? I'll be 92 in March. I don't even need glasses...or a cane. My neighbor, she needs a cane! But I'm doing great! And I'll be 92 in March, can you imagine?"

Yes, Magnolia Blossom, I can. And I can only hope to be as happy and content with my life as you when I am almost 92.

the dust is settling...



Flickr favorites...mostly brown...see who did all of this....

I'm going slow...yesterday and today.

Yesterday turned into an impromptu "clean out under the kitchen sink" day...which then led to a on my hands and knees bathroom floor scrubbing day...not to mention taking care of a good four or five loads of laundry.

Thank goodness for leftovers.

I don't have much to say today...my thoughts are still deep...but there were a few things that I wanted to share.

Some of you have inquired about the mosaics of photos like the one above...I make them at bighugelabs.com...click on Mosaic Maker..and go for it!

Chris and I signed up for Netflix a few weeks ago. I was searching around for a documentary...had clicked on Food Inc. and was going to watch it but really wasn't in the mood for something that heavy. I dug around a bit more when I came across Food Matters...an amazing and informative documentary focusing on food for health...vs. medications. It really confirmed much of what's been rumbling through my brain lately.

Have you seen Born Into Brothels? Incredible. Moving. And hard to take. This documentary should not be viewed around children...the language is over the top offensive. Really. And the subject matter, obviously, is not for everyone. I grabbed it on a whim at the library and was glad that I did...an eye-opener to say the least.

I'm reading through The Kind Diet...it's inspiring me to add more raw food to our meals. I'm quite sure I won't be making raw pizza or raw lasagna...the idea of trying to make something gooey out of uncooked random ingredients is not at all appetizing to me. However, eating raw veggies, raw fruits and good salads full of good, nutritious food is.

I'm also reading through A Householder's Guide to the Universe: A Calendar of Basics for the Home and Beyond. Entertaining. Informative. And down to earth...

Oh...and while I'm at it, sharing controversial things and all, I'll go ahead and recommend another great documentary...Collapse by Michael Ruppert. I'll let you look it up if you want to...peak oil...government...etc. Good stuff...if you're interested in those things.

I hope all is well in your little corner of the world. I hope your gardens are growing...your families are well...and your hearts are full. xo

one thing leads to another...aka scattered thoughts.

oats in a thrifted jar...no seal...parchment paper seems to work.



I am finally coming to terms with this season of Solitude that I am in. It's taking me a while to get past the guilt of not doing...in whatever form that may take...work, ministry, running here and there...busy-ness essentially. Been there, done that. It's time to slow things down. And breathe. Be quiet. Listen. It's necessary. And not easy.  But being alone (click that link...don't mistake being alone for being lonely. I'm not lonely...at all. Come to think of it...I don't know that I experience loneliness. I quite enjoy being alone...) has led to some interesting revelations.

Solitude...and quiet...has lead to some good things. One of them being my list of goals. And one of those goals being trying my hand at Yoga. I am loving it. And I like how this article describes it...slow, no pain, no pressure...just slow and deliberate movements that feel really, really good. Who knew I'd enjoy it so much?

Something else I've been enjoying is Miso. So good...and so good for you. I warm a little chicken broth diluted with a bit of water and add in a slice or two of fresh ginger. When it's heated through I pour it into a mug and add a teaspoon of Genmai Miso (soy and brown rice), stir to dissolve and sip away while checking email. SO good. Matter of fact, I had a little stomach thing going on last week. I made myself a mug of miso and the stomach trouble disappeared. Coincidence? Maybe. But...maybe not!

A blog friend of mine, Mavis, has been sharing her adventures in amazing coupon shopping on her blog, 100 Dollars a Month. You would not believe the deals she gets! It's amazing. I am so impressed as coupon clipping and I don't get along. I thought I had the perfect money making coupon deal planned out yesterday for CVS...the way I figured it I should have come out 11 cents in the black. Instead? I spent $25 and have NO IDEA where I went wrong. Dangit! Anyway...Mavis has created a cute Coupon Purse to help you organize your coupons while looking stylish and hip at the same time. Wanna win one? Go here!

I watched Ellen Foster this weekend. I got the DVD at the library...for FREE. Have I mentioned recently how much I LOVE the library? No? Well...let me just say, I LOVE THE LIBRARY.

I also watched 99 Balloons: The Story of Baby Eliot again this morning. I cry...hard...to the point of making my throat hurt from holding back the sobs, every time I watch it. So sweet...and brings back memories of a friend of mine whose baby girl, Elora, was also born with Trisomy 18 several years back. Sadly, Elora did not get to experience life here on earth...Jesus took her home just before she entered the world during delivery. She was beautiful.

Amazing the blessings we are allowed to experience when we're paying attention...

 

OK...well...yoga is done, miso has been sipped, blog has been updated. Now...beds need to be made, dinners need to be planned, chickens need to be fed, groceries need picking up. The day must go on...and the solitude enjoyed.

Remembering to breathe...are you?

paper clay.

I have wanted to try my hand at using paper clay for some time now. I was finally inspired to action when an artist I admire, Cathy Cullis, challenged herself to creating a "tiny head" a day...using paper clay.

After some thought...and some arguing...I finally just decided to give it a try. I grabbed my Michael's coupon and headed off to buy some paper clay.

Once I got home I set the bag aside...and moved on to other

things...laundry, dinner, homework, daydreaming, listing off all of the reasons why I shouldn't try yet another art medium...blah blah blah.

But...when dinner was done...and there were no more reasons why I shouldn't...I opened up the package of clay and just began to mold and sculpt. In a few minutes I had three heads, three hearts and two birds.

It took a few days for them to really dry nice and hard. I think because it's so cold. I imagine in the summer you could set them outside to dry and cure in no time.

Today...I will paint them.

They're not perfect. But they are done. Which means I made another step in the direction of DOING. And that's what's important.

be inspired.



these are not my photos. they are some of my Favorites on
flickr...such an incredible amount inspiration
to be found there...people's creativity is amazing!



My aunt is hosting a Holiday Boutique in her home this coming Saturday...and I am participating. I'll be selling framed photographs, photo note cards, handmade ornaments and some snowmen made from old weathered fence boards and rusty embellishments. I have 5 days until the boutique...and a lot of work left to do!

I love making things...I love paint on my fingers, wrestling with hot glue strings, bits of fabric and ribbon on the floor...love it. I have a big pile of a MESS at the end of my dining room table...circle cutter, paints, brushes, scissors, jingles bells, ric rac, Mod Podge, glitter, glue, buttons...and more! My table seats 6...but only three of us can fit at one time because of all the stuff....thank goodness Seth was at the movies at dinner time last night!

So for the next few days I'll be painting snowmen and Mod Podging old papers onto ornaments and snipping fabric and sprinkling glitter and...serving dinner buffet style.

What have you got going on this week? Anything fun and messy?

Saturday is here...



bread shop in Belgium around the corner
from the hostel

Saturday...it's almost noon already. I woke up thinking it wasn't quite 6am yet...but as I set the flame on the teapot I noticed it was closer to 8! I got my tea ready and sat down to the computer for a bit. After checking email, eating some toast and reading a few blogs with a sleeping kitty on my lap it was suddenly 10. Wha...?

I decided to hop in the shower and get a move on. I had a lot I wanted to get done today, after all. But first...I had to do the things that needed to be done. Like sorting through the piles that continually multiply despite my attempts to purge the mail before even bringing it in. A few loads of laundry...just to stay caught up. Rearrange the little set of drawers I have here by the computer...purged three phone books and made a ton of  room for computer papers and such. And I'm about to go on a quick run for milk and a few other things.

When I get back, I will begin to do the things that I want to do today. Like making ornaments and dolls and rosettes for the boutique. Then write my 500 words for today's NaNoWriMo plus the 300 or so I am behind. Writing 500 words a day isn't that hard as it turns out. I should have known this wouldn't be a problem for me. I was referred to as a "social butterfly" in grade school on a few occasions after all. Being wordy isn't difficult for me. (Ahem) And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying those 500 or so words that find their way to the page are interesting by any means, or that they string together to form coherent thoughts or paint vivid pictures. But the words are there...and that is the point of NaNoWriMo. To get words to paper in the form of a novel. And I like that about it. I'm glad I stepped up to the challenge.

Speaking of "the novel"...I had a really cool idea while in the shower this morning about a possible way that I can string those words together to make some sort of sense. It just came to me. And I'm excited to see how it works! (I may need to keep a notebook in the shower...I get so many ideas while I'm in there!)

But...first...the grocery store!!

Be blessed this beautiful autumn day...the air is cool and the leaves are falling. This makes me happy...

xo

lunch.

First of all...thank you to all of you who helped me choose photos to sell at the art fair. It was SO very helpful...I appreciate your input. (And hey Linda...the link to my flickr account is on the right sidebar of my blog...or you can click here!)

As you know, last Saturday mom and I went to the coolest yarn shop ever in Petaluma. Well, we also decided to have some lunch. At the recommendation of the shop owner, we went to the Wild Goat...a tiny little restaurant BIG on character. It was darling. And cozy. And comfortable. Not to mention, the food was WONDERFUL.

See that Cobb Salad up there on the menu? De-li-cious. SO good. If you ever go...please order it. You won't regret it. We also ordered the Seasonal pizza on a thin crust that was very unique and quite delicious...sauteed pears, Gorgonzola, arugula, and some sort of yummy ham. It was different. And it was good.

While we were there I was inspired by the Wild Goat to start collecting mismatched silverware. I don't have a set of silver. When we got married I didn't sign up for china or silver or anything like that. I signed up for every day stuff...mainly because we have such a small house that I don't entertain so I figured I didn't have a reason to have nicer stuff.

Well...a few years ago I realized that I would like to have some silver for when I DO entertain. I won't live in this tiny house forever...and I really do love to have people over. It's just really hard in this little space to do so comfortably. So I don't. Well, several years back I had found an old silverware design that I fell in love with (I can't recall the name of it...I have it written down somewhere...!) but piecing a set of it together is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be.

So...inspired by the Wild Goat...I decided that I'm going to piece together mismatched silver and call it a set. None of the silver at the Wild Goat matched...and it looked really cute. So...I figure if it will work for them, it will work for me!

And mom...if you're reading...thank you for a GREAT day! xo

Brainstorm with me, won't you?

I need your advice...

I am sharing a booth at an art festival with a friend in a few weeks. I am selling photos...in note card form and in photo form. Some 5x7's...possibly some 8x10's. Some with frames...some without. All proceeds are going toward my ticket to Belgium. (that I have to buy pretty soon and I'm not quite ready! I'm off to a good start...but I have a lot of funds yet to raise.)

So...

What I'd like to hear from you is...which of my photos do you think I should sell as frameable art at the art festival?

If you've got the time...would you be so kind as to leave me a comment and let me know what you think? If you want you can go to my flickr and poke around...or check out my note cards at Etsy...or go from memory if you have one. I don't...so I hesitate to include that. But if you do...good for you...and would you please let me know your secret?

Wait...what was I doing? Shoot...I hate when that happens. Oh! Yes...that's right. Help. Advice.

Anyway...if you have a favorite...or two...would you let me know which ones they are? It's hard for me to look at them from a buyer's point of view...plus I love to brain storm and you all are good at it!!

Thank you so much...I couldn't do this without you all...for real. Your encouragement and support have been invaluable to me. xo

Brainstorming.

I'm the type of person that loves to brainstorm. I always have been. I can sit and hash out ideas with someone else for hours until all of a sudden we have this huge thing...this huge idea...that we usually don't even know what to DO with! I have designed businesses...projects...restaurants. I've created so many things....all in my head!

And I will say, some of them have come to fruition. But many of them have not. And that's OK...that's what brainstorming is all about...the process. I love the process. It feeds my need for creativity...for something new...for a dream. And then when one of these crazy hair-brained ideas becomes something real? So amazing!!

Anyway...all of that being said, I need to brainstorm with you folks today. And since we're not able to meet at a groovy coffee house and sip lattes and scribble on napkins and hash out ideas...I'm going to make a Poll instead. (Wouldn't it totally be more fun the other way? Sometimes the world of blogging can be so lonely...)

So here's the skinny...I am considering developing my photographs into frameable 5x7's...possibly 8x10's...to sell in my Etsy shop. And I have some ideas...and some thoughts...but it's always better to talk it over with friends to see if I'm on a good track. This is where you come in! I need your creative...and honest...opinions. So if you would be so kind as to vote on my Poll I would greatly appreciate it.

And how about this...if you DO vote in the Poll, leave me a comment. Leaving me a comment will enter you into a drawing to receive something pretty in the mail. Probably something in the form of a...oh...I don't know...maybe a photograph?

So I guess I should go create the Poll, huh? Why do I always do things backwards? Wait...don't answer that. Just give me a minute and the Poll will be up.

It is definitely Monday!

Ever heard of a Blogging Bee?

Well, I hadn't either! Not until my friend Amy started one over at her blog, Homestead Revival.

Amy is a wealth of information when it comes to home keeping, clean living, organic food, making from scratch...and then some. Her blog is beautiful...her information is valuable...her spirit is sweet.

So here goes..a few posts that really struck home with me...my contribution to the patchwork of the Blogging Bee.

The Simple Wife talked about insecurity and trusting God earlier in the week and it really spoke right to me. Getting ready for Belgium, I'm already struggling with the same issues. But between her post and being more diligent about spending time with God each morning, I'm focusing more on what I can do through Him.

Rachel at Small Notebook posted about finding freedom in routine...mainly in the area of keeping a home. This is an area I struggle with...I just don't like to clean all.the.time. I wish I did! But I don't. Rachel talked about, among other things, taking two hours each Monday to give her house a once over...to just knock it out...get it done...get it over with. Now this is a "routine" I think I can adopt.

How about you? Care to share something valuable you learned? Visit Amy's blog...join the Bee. (It wasn't as confusing as I thought it was going to be!)

Endless possibilities...

To my sweet bloggy friends...thank you for the encouragment.

One, two, three, JUMP!

Ahead of their time.

Image from Botanical.com

The other day I was headed to the store and drove the same route I've been driving for years. As I headed down my street and made a right I noticed, for the first time, a front yard FULL of fruit trees. Like a mini orchard. Citrus and maybe some stone fruits. Then I noticed herbs growing beneath the trees...and even a few tomato plants here and there. It's enclosed by a white picket fence. There's more...but I've had to be slick and take note while I drive by rather than being an obvious lookie lou and stopping in the middle of the street to gawk! What I really want to do is walk by...and maybe even knock on their door and introduce myself. Which I just may do. I haven't decided yet. Wouldn't it be cool if they were creating their own little urban homestead? Someone right here in my own neighborhood?

Now, I said earlier that I noticed all of this "for the first time" which isn't exactly the whole truth. I remember when they were planting everything, oh, maybe 5-7 years ago? And honestly, at that time, I thought it was really weird to have all trees, and at that time herbs (that might still be in there somewhere but I've been trying to be incognito), and no lawn. I mean, come on? Who doesn't put grass in their front yard, right? It's what we do. It's what's expected. It's...a front yard.

So, yeah. I noticed it. But I forgot about it. Until last week. Then I realized...wow, they were ahead of their time. They had the "Food. Not Lawn" theory down before it was popular. I admire their bravery. Years ago I thought it was weird. Today I think it's smart and a great use of space. I'm turning into Chris' grandpa whose philosophy was "if you can't eat it, why grow it?" which is making more and more sense to me as time goes on.

Encouragement and Inspiration

Reggie...looking very optimistic.

There are a TON of amazing blogs out there in blog land. TONS. And there are a few that I visit daily...whether for inspiration or encouragement or just plain entertainment. I want to share a few with you today. Good stuff...

The Simple Wife shared an amazing YouTube video this morning...and I'd like to pass it on to you. Be warned...it's a tear-jerker...I went through four tissues and lots of sniffling. I had to press Pause once.

The Path to Freedom inspires me daily. Daily, I tell you. Some of it is a bit "over the top" for me, personally. But they've created a beautiful homestead right on their city lot. They are "blooming where they're planted"...which is what I'm trying to do. So it gives me hope. And lots of ideas to incorporate into our lives and our home.

For those of you into chickens...Chicken Keeping is a simple, beautiful site.

And one more...Peaceful Valley Farm & Garden Supply. This company is somewhat local for me. It's in Grass Valley which is about 2 hours or so away from here. I have yet to visit it in person. But someday I will...when it comes time to buy fruit trees and berries. And possibly even mushrooms!

Take a look around...enjoy...order goodies...decide to keep chickens! Be inspired!