{undercurrent}

Came across another old post that was never published. 

It's about living with depression.

Can you feel it?

Can you feel it?

I've felt it coming for a few weeks...the undercurrent is unmistakable. It's a feeling I can't quite describe...

Unnerved. Unsettled. Discontent.
Out of place.
Disconnected.
Internal....if that even makes any sense.

~

It shows up in unexpected places...walking circles around me...sizing me up...glancing at me sideways...baiting me...slowly moving closer and closer.

I see it coming...that black pit.
And sometimes...I slip in.

I've been fighting it pretty well...staving it off as I've learned to do. Keeping it at arms length...looking the other way...figuring if I ignored it long enough it would go away.

I guess I should know by now that technique never works.
Depression is a persisten bugger.

~

I lived at its mercy for a long time.
But not anymore.

I have power over depression...
...so do you.
We all do.

~

I don't write this for attention...or so anyone worries.

I write this because it's therapeutic.
And because I've learned that my story helps others.

So...here it is.
    Here I am.
         Open.
And a little undone.

~

I don't know...sometimes I think it's gone for good. That I've overcome it. That God has healed me.

But then there it is...again. My thorn...maybe?

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 

But even as I write I feel God's presence...and His peace...letting me know I am not alone.

Reminding me that there is a reason...that He knows what He is doing...and that He trusts me to walk this walk,  knowing I am willing to clear the path for others. Maybe they won't have to stumble...

I don't know.

~

One thing I do know...this too shall pass. It always does.

And because I have learned to live with depression and use the tools God has given me to fight it every day, it passes quicker each time.

Maybe someday it will pass forever...

~

Until then I will continue to fight.

And I will win.