“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.
Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are
worth more than many sparrows.”
Luke 12:6-7
Yesterday got away from me. The house was empty all morning...I wrestled with the washer and dryer as neither one are working right...I prepared for an appointment in the afternoon...I got stuck with a needle for a TB test...I brought home three teenage boys afterward and fed them an impromptu dinner of nachos...drove them to youth group...came home and prepared Chris' lunch...wrestled with the laundry a bit more...watched some TV and before I knew it...I realized it was Wednesday.
Summer schedule...or lack thereof...it'll be good when school starts only because we need to get on some sort of routine again! At least I do!
Luke 12:6-7 was the "scripture of the day" at biblegateway.com. As soon as I read it, I knew that it was for me. Fear is nipping at my heels. Always, it seems. Fear leads to anxiety. Anxiety leads to depression. The constant undercurrent slows me down. I have been talking with a friend, a kindred spirit, a sister in Christ...over the last couple of days about all of this...fear, anxiety, depression. It's good to talk about it with someone who gets it...who doesn't consider it weakness. Who knows how it feels to try and live life all the while battling this underlying heaviness that always wants to bring you down.
It used to get me...every time. But over the years God has taught me how to fight it...with Him, with prayer, with scripture, with strength, with choices. In the past when depression would hit I didn't think I had a choice to pull out of it. It took me down. I felt bound by it...at its mercy...and believed that I had to just try and stay afloat during an "attack" and wait for it to decide to go away.
That's not the truth, though. I don't have to be at its mercy. I don't have to let it stop me. I don't have to wait for it to decide to leave. I can choose to walk away from it. I can choose to not listen to it. I can choose to turn away from it...the darkness, the temptation to crawl in bed and stay there, the isolation. I can turn away from all of that and look to God instead...look to the Light...to the Truth.
Is it an easy choice? Not at all. Fighting this battle has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. There were many times I felt defeated and figured that medication was my only choice. But medication was not what God wanted for me. He wanted me to rely on Him, not pills.
(Speaking of which, I have opinions about medication and specifically anti-depressants. I will share about that more another time, hopefully soon. I've been formulating a post about it in my head for months...but it's a sensitive subject that I want to approach carefully and treat with respect.)
In the meantime...I fight. I rely on God. I am reminded that I am strong...that I can do all things through Him who strengthens me...I am fearfully and wonderfully made...I am worth far more than sparrows...and I don't need to be afraid.
Lord, help me to remember your promises...bring to mind your Truth when I am looking in the wrong direction...be with me, protect me, guide me, watch over me. And I will do my best to do my part...Amen.
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