Monday, August 1, 2011

this season of change.



It's Monday...I have a lot on my mind.

First and most important...God is on my mind. And He is GOOD. I've been far from Him as of late. But He hasn't been far from me. Oh no. He's been very near...carefully and gently setting me free from legalistic attitudes and religious habits.

I opened my bible this morning for the first time in...weeks? No...more like months I'm sad to say. I almost said "ashamed to say"...but there is no shame, nor condemnation, in Christ. To not read my bible...God's love letter and instruction manual to me...to you...just makes me sad. And incomplete. Off kilter.

So this morning, after a bit of a dry spell, I opened my bible. Isaiah 61 whispered truth to me...I forgot how deep those words were buried in my heart...in my soul. They are imprinted...permanently. Thank you God.

Chris and I visited a church last night...and worshipped. Can I tell you how much I needed that? I listen to christian music at times...I have some favorites I listen to at home on occasion. For a while I only listened to christian music. It's what I needed at the time. Then...it became legalistic. Honestly, I'm more of a "music in the car" person. And if I'm more honest...it's often times old school or alternative.

But anyway...we went to this church. And they had already started worship. And as soon as I heard it tears welled up in my eyes. I tried to act like it wasn't affecting me as much as it was. But...there are some things we just cannot deny. This was one of those things. I needed it. And it began to saturate my sad and weary heart.

Sad and weary? Isn't that a bit dramatic? Maybe. Maybe not. You probably wouldn't know it from the outside...or from talking to me (depending on who you are...). I am not moping around...or hiding under my bed. I'm not depressed. These feelings and thoughts aren't stopping me from living my life well...and happy. But they are stopping from living my life fully.

This sadness...and weariness...it's all inside. It's in my heart...not on my sleeve. It's between me and God...that secret place that you can't ever, ever hide from Him. He knows. And He cares. And so He does the work gently...anyway...even though I may resist now and then.

The thing is...not everyone knows the season that I am in. I've given you glimpses. But much of it has been just between me and God. At times, even I haven't known what was going on! But I have been trusting. Well...let me rephrase that...I trusted as soon as I realized that my incessant questioning was getting me nowhere. When I finally realized that God wanted me to be quiet, and be still, and just let Him do what He needed to do, the questions began to get answers...in His time (slowly!). Probably because He knew that if He gave me answers in my time (right now!), I wouldn't have heard them. More than likely I'd have argued. And as a matter of fact...I might have argued a little anyway.

And can I just tell you...this was not what I planned on writing about. I had a lot on my mind, yes...things like the fact that Seth turned 16 on Saturday, or that Pablo was at the vet getting a wound stitched up, or that we needed to start thinking about back-to-school and clothes shopping and trying to get out of bed before noon. That's what I was going to talk about. But sometimes, many times, God has something else in mind. And today, I guess He wanted me to share my heart.

So there it is. No right. No wrong. No condemnation. Just...me. And God. And this season of change.

5 comments:

Shannon said...

beautiful.honest.real.refreshing.

Thank-you for sharing your heart. You are a blessing.

Susan said...

Thank you so much for this post.
Your transparancy made me smile.
I can so relate.....I too find myself in a new season in my life not one of change although I have been in that season before. I can't tell you how many times I have gone to make a post on my blog and thought to myself....what difference does it make.....who is it helping?....I too have a hard time sometimes dancing throught the daisies when there are so many out there that are hurting, in trouble, and down right desitude. Even in my own family.

A story on the news this morning about a woman in Africa who was fleeing conflict in her area who had to travel for days to get to a safe place to get some help and food for her and her five children and how one of her children didn't survive the trip.
God, please break my heart for what breaks yours.

It isn't that I don't enjoy pretty things either, decorating, cooking new dishes, gardening, my horses, I know that God has blessed me with these things and wants me to enjoy my life, and I do! but, there is so much more and it IS deep and sometimes I don't think others really want to hear it all....maybe I'm wrong maybe I should be more real, open and honest like you have been in your last few posts. After all it is more of who I am, I can't stand superficial relationships and I struggle with people who won't let you in and keep things on the surface. People who really don't want to hear whats really going on because its too negative, well sometimes reality is very negative and we need to be willing to get in and get dirty sometimes. :o)
There! (by the way, I'm Susan and I live in Utah I'v been reading your blog off and on for some time)
Blessing,
Susan

Denise said...

and sharing your heart - you do so well.

Michelle said...

:::HUG::: I know the loneliness of walking without a spiritual centre. I'm glad that God gave you such an affirming reminder of His presence in your life.

Mrs. B said...

Thank you.