change.

 I like to think that I'm so adventurous...and free-spirited...and carefree. But the truth is...I get rather nervous when too much is going on. I get a bit anxious when I don't know what to expect and how things are going to go. The reality is I'm not good about change.

Take yesterday, for instance. Yesterday was the last day of school. Seth, my oldest, is now officially a sophomore in high school. Um...excuse me? When did THAT happen? Wasn't I just asking the night nurse for permission to unswaddle him when he was merely 3 hours old? Wasn't I just bringing him home and placing him in the middle of the living room floor in his car seat and wondering, "OK. Now what?" It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I love the process of him growing up...and maturing...and doing what he's supposed to do. But it is also so sad to know that it's just going so fast. People say it. And you know it. But until it's actually happening...you have no idea.

But I have to admit...Seth becoming a sophomore isn't what pushed me over the edge. He made the transition to high school last year...and now he's still there...so there's not a lot of change going on there. I'll tell you what floored me...Ian's graduation from the 6th grade. Oh my...I took it a lot harder than I thought I would. I wasn't expecting to cry as I spoke to his teacher...or as we left his classroom for the last time...or as we walked across the playground for the last time...or as we exited the back gate for the last time. I'm crying now!! Oh my goodness...I so wasn't ready to be done with elementary school. I'm sure he was. But wait a minute...what about me?!

The reality that my kids are only going to be with me for a short amount of time really hit me yesterday...and not just a little smack on the arm. More like a blow to the stomach that knocks the wind right outta ya. Like the time Jeff Weber punched me in the stomach when I was 8 and I couldn't breathe. His step dad saw him do it through the kitchen window and tore outta that house and down that driveway so fast. He snatched Jeff up by the scruff of his neck and beat his butt all the way back into the house. After making sure I could breathe, that is.

Life is so crazy. And so fast. And I can't stop crying! Come on, girl...get a grip. And I will get a grip...I just need some time for this all to sink in. I think I just have a lot on my plate and didn't really prepare for this. I mean, I knew it was coming. And I knew I'd be sad. But I didn't know I'd be...this sad. I'm usually so happy for my kids' milestones. And don't get me wrong...I am so happy for them. They're doing what they're supposed to be doing...growing and learning and advancing. It's wonderful. But I guess we can't help but grieve our own losses as mothers as our children gather up their accomplishments. It's life. And it's good.