Friday, June 11, 2010

change.

 I like to think that I'm so adventurous...and free-spirited...and carefree. But the truth is...I get rather nervous when too much is going on. I get a bit anxious when I don't know what to expect and how things are going to go. The reality is I'm not good about change.

Take yesterday, for instance. Yesterday was the last day of school. Seth, my oldest, is now officially a sophomore in high school. Um...excuse me? When did THAT happen? Wasn't I just asking the night nurse for permission to unswaddle him when he was merely 3 hours old? Wasn't I just bringing him home and placing him in the middle of the living room floor in his car seat and wondering, "OK. Now what?" It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I love the process of him growing up...and maturing...and doing what he's supposed to do. But it is also so sad to know that it's just going so fast. People say it. And you know it. But until it's actually happening...you have no idea.

But I have to admit...Seth becoming a sophomore isn't what pushed me over the edge. He made the transition to high school last year...and now he's still there...so there's not a lot of change going on there. I'll tell you what floored me...Ian's graduation from the 6th grade. Oh my...I took it a lot harder than I thought I would. I wasn't expecting to cry as I spoke to his teacher...or as we left his classroom for the last time...or as we walked across the playground for the last time...or as we exited the back gate for the last time. I'm crying now!! Oh my goodness...I so wasn't ready to be done with elementary school. I'm sure he was. But wait a minute...what about me?!

The reality that my kids are only going to be with me for a short amount of time really hit me yesterday...and not just a little smack on the arm. More like a blow to the stomach that knocks the wind right outta ya. Like the time Jeff Weber punched me in the stomach when I was 8 and I couldn't breathe. His step dad saw him do it through the kitchen window and tore outta that house and down that driveway so fast. He snatched Jeff up by the scruff of his neck and beat his butt all the way back into the house. After making sure I could breathe, that is.

Life is so crazy. And so fast. And I can't stop crying! Come on, girl...get a grip. And I will get a grip...I just need some time for this all to sink in. I think I just have a lot on my plate and didn't really prepare for this. I mean, I knew it was coming. And I knew I'd be sad. But I didn't know I'd be...this sad. I'm usually so happy for my kids' milestones. And don't get me wrong...I am so happy for them. They're doing what they're supposed to be doing...growing and learning and advancing. It's wonderful. But I guess we can't help but grieve our own losses as mothers as our children gather up their accomplishments. It's life. And it's good.

10 comments:

Talitha said...

Often, when I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed with life, something that should have been a twinge of bittersweet sadness will send me into a crying fit. I just need the release, I guess. My Bug is going into middle school this year too (it starts in 6th grade here), and I can't believe she has grown into a young lady before my eyes. I miss her sweet baby smell and precocious exploration of the world. Goodness, I want another child (or five)! Anyway, my heart is with you, dear friend.

Nancy said...

If it makes you feel better, I cried at high school graduation this year just thinking about my oldest being a graduate next year. We need to be sure and savor every moment...

Mari said...

I know exactly where you are. I went through those same emotions each time one of mine graduated. And especially when the last one left...my son. Wow. I cried when he got married. Ha. I'll have to be honest and say I was at a loss as a mom after they all left home and had families of their own. I felt I was not needed anymore. But once those grandbabies came...Oh my! Watch out world.
You will get through it. It's okay to cry and "grieve" as you would say. It doesn't mean we aren't happy for them, excited for them growing up. In fact, it rather surprises me that they say things like they still need me for certain things now. They don't want me to move away...things like that. (You would never know it..ha)
It's a life process, and one that as we grow older it will bring us many fond memories, tears of joy, some sad, but mostly a warm fuzzy feeling of contentment knowing we were blessed to have raised a family.
It's all good.
Love you girl! Go eat some chocolate. Ha.
And yes...I love the dipping bread too at Macaroni Grills. You are too funny!
xoxoxoxo

Baby Mama said...

awwww, i know how you feel..i went through that overwhelm-edness when Arabella started preschool. It's exciting but I mourned for the days gone by. My friend just had a baby and boy was my uterus talking to me. LOL.

Conny said...

Okay, so now I'm a little weepy too just reading this.

I hug my little guy every day because I know how fast it goes. I try to remember that God is teaching us lessons too, about nurturing and setting them free to be individuals who will take care of themselves AND still love us.

(I think I'm going to be one of those annoying mothers who call their sons every week. I might as well warn him now. hee, hee.)

Have a peaceful weekend Michelle, and enjoy every moment. ~ Conny

WhiteStone said...

And it happens to grandkids, too! My grandson is 15 years old...his voice has changed. He looks more male. Soon he will be an adult and there will be no more "little grandson" hugs. Waaagh! There should be a law........

dmoms said...

I have sixth grade graduation next week. I think the hardest thing for me is going to be when my girls start their periods. I sure indicator that they are growing up.

Tia said...

Michelle, please don't make me cry. I made it through Clay's 8th grade dance without a tear, last night. Although it was a little touch and go when I helped him with his tie. But a couple of weeks ago, just catching a glance of him outside in the backyard, I lost my breath seeing how much he has changed. Happy, Relieved tears ran.

Kelly said...

Aw!

Cindy said...

you are so right, it goes by in the blink of an eye. seems just a few years ago my youngest would come and see me every lunch recess (i work at her school) and be so glad to see me, now she is in 7th grade and well, you know middle school, its just not cool to go see your mom. i cried the other day when she got rid of a lot of her 'little girl' things from her room, in fact i sat on her bed and bawled. but, you are right, it is lif and the way it should be.