deep thoughts and gray days.

I was in the backyard gathering more pecans a little while ago. The air was cold and still. And it was quiet, save for the leaves crunching under my feet, an occasional pecan falling from the tree and the chickens scuffling over a few more tomatoes I'd found ripened in the compost heap.

I gathered the pecans, dropping them into an old coffee can. And I listened...to the quiet sounds of things getting ready for a winter's rest.

My thoughts are all over the place, still. It seems to be the norm as of late. Thinking, thinking all the time...about things I can control...and things I can't. About change...and the direction my life is taking without my consent, really.

It just happens, doesn't it? Change. Growth. Life...and death.

It just happens...whether we like it or not. Whether we are ready or not. Life goes on, as the saying goes. The second hand on the clock continues to move steadily round and round. It never stops. Sometimes I just watch it go and go. Sometimes I can't.

It's so crazy to think about, really. Do you ever feel like that? Sometimes I just think about time, and life and how strange it all is and how day after day we just move along...sleeping, waking, working, eating, feeding, moving, worrying, breathing, pressing, crying, laughing, missing, living.

Life is weird. And hard.

And sometimes, if I'm honest, I don't get it.

And if I'm real honest, sometimes I feel like a pawn in God's big game of life. I don't think it would make God mad to say that...He can handle my feelings...my questions...my frustration...my doubt.

I don't doubt Him. Or His existence. Ever.

But sometimes I doubt the process. Sometimes I don't get it. I don't always feel a part of it. Sometimes I feel like I am just outside of it and it's all a bit muffled and out of reach.

I wish I could blame the gray skies and the chill in the air on this melancholy. But for me these thoughts are a constant undercurrent...maybe the depression that lurks...maybe just life.

Maybe I think too much.

Maybe I need to realize that some things just can't be figured out...or controlled. They just need to be lived through...pushed through...moved through.

Maybe I need to realize that God is in control...and time is in His hands.

And so am I.

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
³ For I am the Lord your God,

Isaiah 43:2