Thursday, October 17, 2013

making sense of it all. {the second post}

Sometimes, when I really stop and think about it, life doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense that sometimes I feel like I'm 7...or 15...or 24. And now all of a sudden I'm closer to 50 than to 40.

It doesn't make sense that my grandparents are no longer here on this earth. How can such a huge part of my life just all of a sudden be gone? I think of them every day. And I miss them so much...still. Death...while a part of life...makes no sense to me.

It makes no sense that when the stick turns pink you say, "I'm having a baby." And that's what I agreed to, having babies. But they grew...and changed...and matured. And I did my best to enjoy each stage. I did my best to guide them through to the next phase...sometimes doing a good job...sometimes failing miserably.

And suddenly they're voices changed, they grew taller than me, they stopped playing Lego's and video games...and they became men. And I love them. But I signed up to have babies. I didn't agree to having grown men...who grow up, mature, get lives, and leave the safety of this little nest we created over time. I didn't agree to that. 

The past few years have been a wake-up call...the loss of Noni and Papa really brought home the realization that grandparent's don't live forever. And if grandparent's don't live forever, that must mean parent's don't either. And so it goes...on down the generations. 

And now...with Seth gone...and Ian driving...and the moments of my own life continuing to tick's such an unbelievable realization, isn't it? That this is it...each day...going through the same motions...waking and sleeping...working and eating and go, go, going. And then one day, it's just...over.

It all seems kinda cruel, doesn't it? sometimes it's so surreal to me, and makes no sense. 

Yet in the midst of it all are these beautiful moments...wonderful memories...tucked away in the corners of my take out and reminisce over now and 

I don't know...I really have no idea where I'm going with this whole thing. I'm trying to handle it all with grace...and wisdom. But sadness and fear and reality set in...and I realize that the only thing I can control in all of this is how I handle it all. Some days, I do pretty good. Others? Not so much. 

But I guess that's just part of life, too...growing, right along with those little babies of mine. And while sometimes I am so sad that the days of them being little is behind us, I do look forward to seeing them grow and mature and venture out on their own. It's what we've raised them to independently of the their own lives. 

That was our dream for them all's what we have worked for. This was the goal. I just wish that would make this all a little bit easier. 

1 comment:

Jane said...

I read this as I came in from watching my older son drive away to school with his 14 yr old brother. I didn't know it was going to me this hard. Some days it hurts deep in the chest. I tell moms of younger children to enjoy the time...let things go and have fun with it all. Because before you know it, they too, will be see ingthe red tail lights drive down the driveway. xo